How To Learn To Understand Your Needs And Yourself - Self-development

On one of my vacations, I read a wonderful book by Tom D'Ansembourg with the wacky title "Stop Being Good" on how to recognize your own needs. And I realized that it was important to talk about this.

My problem is that for a long time I was deaf to myself: I did not understand the needs, I misinterpreted them and engaged in violence. For example, he worked for 4-5 hours in a row, and when he felt tired, he did not take a break, but climbed in the social network or for a chocolate bar. I was also ashamed of my height and was ashamed to take off my jacket on the bus: I would hurt someone and cause inconvenience, it would be better to sweat a little more, it’s calmer.

WHAT ARE THE NEEDS

Needs are internal programs of feeling of imbalance, which force us to do something in order to preserve internal processes. They all symbolize lack: thirst for water, hunger for energy, emptiness inside for peace, loneliness for human warmth and support.

Emotions measure the effectiveness of these programs. Positive ones are included if everything worked out, negative ones - if not. Strong and vivid emotions arise when the result is higher than expected. Found a thousand rubles in the snow will delight you more than afternoon coffee, which has already become a habit.

Everyone is used to talking about needs according to Maslow, but I like the theory of the physiologist Pavel Simonov more (Pavel Simonov's need-information theory was presented in his work "The Emotional Brain" in 1981.).

According to this theory, needs are divided into three groups: vital, social and ideal.

Vital needs are those without which people do not live or live, but not for long: food, water, sleep, energy savings, body care. The latter need is also important for well-being and protection from stress. Yes, all these barbershops and baths are really necessary for life.

Social needs are about life in society: the manifestation of sexual behavior, child-parental behavior, observance of hierarchy and status.

Ideal needs relate to self-development - these are programs that are aimed at the future and are not always obvious at the time of implementation. It is the need for interest, information, movement and freedom.

Now comes the fun part. Needs do not come to the center of execution of brain decisions one at a time, but arise in a group and are realized depending on which one shouts louder. Due to the fact that I am not really aware of the needs, and they are also fighting among themselves, I face regular problems on all fronts. I interpret boredom as hunger, the desire to take a break with dopamine surfing on social networks, instead of relaxation, I increase my working speed.

Temperament is also an equalizer, but not sound, but the importance of the needs of each person.

When I completely lose an adequate perception of what is happening, then I overstep the boundaries and express them in the form of claims to another person. And the most relish is in shifting responsibility for one's condition onto others. In short, a specific booth.

How to figure it out: realize → accept → choose → voice → do (or not)

REALIZE

First you need to learn to be aware of what we need. Without this, there will be only continuous habits, automatisms and self-violence. So far I have not come up with anything better than the answers to the questions:

• what am i feeling now?
• why am I doing what I am doing?
• what do I need from my needs now?
• what do i want?

As soon as I catch myself thinking that something is wrong and nothing pleases me, I interrupt my work, transfer to another place and open a Google form with prepared questions. Something wrong:

• distracted by social networks;
• I get annoyed;
• I miss and don't know what to do;
• I get stuck in pictures or not very interesting articles;
• I run a conversation with my wife or friend in my head;
• I want something, but I don't know what.

All this is very similar to fatigue. Previously, I tried to get rid of irritants and by willpower to return to business, but I realized that this does not work: the energy is spinning, nothing is muddied. When I understood how the prefrontal cortex worked and realized that it needed to rest, it went well, but it still didn't go well with identifying needs. Therefore, the rule now works: in any incomprehensible situation - answer the prepared questions.

BY AUTOMATIC

I work, I feel that the concentration is gone, I am constantly distracted. It's noon on the clock - still a cloud of working time, you need to strain yourself and return your attention to work. I don't understand what to do, my mood spoils.

CONSCIOUSLY

I understand that I am distracted - I move to another place, answer questions. I stop doing what I was doing - I open questions.

We have already talked about the benefits of recording emotions, but I will repeat. Recording helps to get out of the context of thoughts, in which I am immersed right now, and switch attention. When you concentrate on describing feelings, the focus shifts, and the brain hamster goes off the circular distance. This allows you to look at yourself from the outside even in conflict situations.

The main thing is to switch over and start responding. Subsequently, you don't need to reread the notes, although sometimes it is interesting to remember how I reacted to certain things five years ago.

Last year, I loved Google Forms for being free and simple. Answering in a ready-made form is easier than remembering or looking for questions - the likelihood of scoring due to laziness decreases. Opened - write, everything is simple. But laziness still catches up regularly. It is physically difficult to explain to myself that this is beneficial, so I try to focus on the feeling of relief and clarity that comes with the responses. The more victories, the easier it becomes over time.

It still bothers me a little that I look like an idiot who cannot control his own desires and every time he gets tired like a robot, he goes to answer questions. But this is because I am still unconscious and stupid.

ACCEPT → SELECT

The second step is to understand that at the same moment the brain may want different things. Relax and go to a party. Run and have a drink with your friends. Go to the movies and read. It is important to realize and accept all conflicting desires and stop the violence, without hammering into part of yourself.

But I am subject to black-and-white thinking, and it admits only one fact: either one way or another. We either care about others or about ourselves, and in the end we distance ourselves from everyone at once.

Thomas D'Ansembourg writes that this is nonsense: "As if we cannot simultaneously take care of others and of ourselves, to be in contact with others, without ceasing to be in contact with ourselves."

Needs need recognition more than instant gratification. This means that the very fact of accepting oneself in such a rushing state will already relieve tension and make it possible to weigh everything normally. You don't need to rush to do things right away - just name your desires and it will become easier. I know this very well, because I often unconsciously appeal to the right to "no" - just to feel myself.

Thomas D'Ansembourg writes as if he knew me: “We often say no out of disobedience, out of fear of losing ourselves, because this is the only way we have found to take care of our needs, identity, security and recognition:“I protest means I exist””.

This is about me, and I'm not proud of it.

The third step: after answering the questions, you need to sit over them for some time, not rush to do it right away, and figure out what you really want. The solutions may differ depending on the situation. For example, I choose between partying and relaxing. One day it will be: "Damn, I'm tired and I want to read at home, but today is a great performance, it will be really fun there - I'll go." And another time: "Although it will be cool there, I am so exhausted that I will withdraw into myself and stay at home." There is no clear algorithm for how and when it will be correct to make this or that decision. Rely on yourself every time and be honest.

Honest attitude is trained by trying and feedback. Sometimes I refuse, and then I realize what I wanted.

But it happens the other way around: I agree, and after that I realize that I lost my heart and could not refuse. This is normal, the main thing is to remember the feeling and trust it next time.

SOUND → MAKE

Two rules help to voice the needs to oneself.

The first is not to complain or shift the responsibility to someone else. For this, it is important to admit your experiences, without pretensions.

WITH CLAIM

I'm a fool, I can't concentrate. Why can't I get myself together and change something in my life?

ABOUT ME

I'm tired, I'm bored. I'm bored of sitting at home and want to be active. I'm going to the skating rink.

When you scold yourself or shift the responsibility for your well-being to circumstances or to other people in general, you overstep the boundaries and area of your responsibility. Unfortunately, this does not work: it is all aggression and violence - towards oneself or others.

The second rule is to formulate the need clearly, concretely and for implementation here and now. Without this, it is not clear what to do, and the other person may generally perceive it as a threat.

ABSTRACT

I'm tired and I don't want to work. I want us to spend more time together.

SPECIFICALLY

Tired: I'll go to the cinema for the afternoon session, and there I'll see what I'll do. Sit with me for 10 minutes.

This is all about the principle "we lack clarity, not motivation."

HOW TO UNDERSTAND YOURSELF

Understand yourself = understand your needs.

Needs are built-in programs for maintaining internal balance: mental and physiological.

It often turns out that we do not know how to listen to ourselves. The remedy is to have moments of clarity and answer questions.

FOUR STEPS TO UNDERSTANDING:

1. answer questions and understand needs;

2. to accept everything - even if they contradict each other;

3. sit and estimate the options for the development of events without haste;

4. to voice to yourself or another person what you want and will do "here and now": without shifting responsibility, specifically.

I go through these four steps when I finish something or when I don't know what I want.

Literally: I felt that I was distracted from work - I sat down in another place, opened the form on my phone, listened to myself. To clarify once again how we are doing ourselves is normal and human.

Fragment of the book “Easy and simple. How to cope with tasks that are scary to approach. " Timur Zarudny / Sergey Zhdanov. - Moscow: Publishing house "Bombora", 2020.