How To Choose A Man To Live A Long And Happy Life Together? - Relations

A question that worries many. Often, girls also want it to be different from that of their mother or their neighbor, so that they definitely want it differently. Especially if there were unsuccessful examples in the immediate environment, and what is in front of your eyes is terrifying. In such cases, you want to protect yourself even more and find advice, an example that will help you bypass the iceberg without repeating the sad fate of the Titanic. How to choose a man?

The apple never falls far from the tree

If you are eighteen and think that you are not like your mom (any significant person who raised you), you are wrong. In ten years you will understand this. You are definitely not like that, you are a different person, but you reproduce many actions that you do, taking them from your experience of observing the behavior of parents and the experience of contact with them. You can change your behavior if you had someone else with a different behavior and you looked at him too. Or counter-dependent behavior, when you do everything differently from your mother. And as you might guess, it has little to do with your own choice. It's about "not like mom."

Yes, chances are good that you will act like your parents, and in the long run, you will come to where they are. Or you will do the opposite, but whether you will be happy, contented and healthy is a big question.

To make your choice, you must:

• recognize that you are a child of your parents and are similar in behavior to them;
• know exactly what you want and how you can achieve it.

The second point is no less important than the first, because not knowing what you want is difficult to achieve.

Real life example

I want to show an example of unconscious behavior when choosing a man and the result of this choice. If we do not know about our missing needs from childhood and do not consciously fill these gaps (for example, we did not love in childhood, did not recognize achievements, did not praise), then we get everything we need in communication unconsciously.

The girl lacked acceptance as a child. She studied well. Parents could distinguish her as unique and special, but the girl perceived this with a minus sign. She has a hole in the place where the love of her parents should be. When she meets a man, it is important for her that the man is smart, so that he can be shown to the whole world. It is important for her that he gives expensive gifts so that they can show off on Instagram. All of her photos on social networks are about what she has achieved. When she meets, she is interested in past relationships, and when she hears about a bad experience, the thought arises in her head: “I will save him; I will warm him with my love; she couldn't, she didn't understand, but I will understand."

Further, in order to fulfill her mission of salvation, which is being done for one thing: to show everyone that she can and has something to love, she closes her eyes to all the discomfort. He's smart, but doesn't talk to her. He has many friends and everyone loves him for his kindness, and with her he is cold. This is skipped, since the girl got hooked: I will save him and show everyone that you can love me, since he loves me. Then everyone will fall in love: both mom and dad, and whose other love they wanted in childhood.

This mechanism is unconscious. It helps to pass the discomfort at the beginning of a relationship. When a woman comes into therapy and unfolds the memories, she realizes that she saw everything, but she had a goal. You can have your own goal and your own mechanism.

As a rule, what infuriates most in relationships over the years is what is most admired in the beginning

If you don't like the way your parents have relationships, you should think about how you stand for them. A very small number of people can independently change their behavior patterns learned in childhood. The result of this behavior is usually clearly visible after thirty. And the best thing to do here is to go to a therapy group or to an individual therapy. There you will learn to see your mechanisms and change them. If you are self-taught, remember what you least loved about the behavior of your parents and look for these manifestations in yourself. Change them.

So how do you choose a man? You can choose in different ways. Think about where you want to be at the end of the path and write down all the steps, decisions, actions that will lead you there. Check the path often and be critical and truthful. It’s better to tell myself that I’m going in the wrong place at twenty than at forty. But if at forty you realized that you are not there - go back and go where you would like.