Is Male Jealousy The Lot Of Weaklings? - Relations

A man was sitting in the psychologist's office crying. About two meters tall, broad-shouldered, well-dressed. He said:

“I ruined everything! For almost two years he courted the woman of his dreams. He took her away from another guy, there were many suitors around her. We have been happily married for five years, we have a child. I love them and try to give them everything. Therefore, I have to work a lot, I am at home less than I would like.

At first my wife was very bored and always looked forward to my return. But about a year ago, her behavior changed a lot. We began to communicate less, but she is constantly on the phone. Peeped - texting with her ex-boyfriend. I tried to talk to her about it, but she just brushed it off, they say, never mind, it's not serious. And smiles coquettishly! And for me her smile is like a red rag for a bull!

Began to follow her. Secretly checking the correspondence on the phone. He took a company car, parked near the house and watched. It seemed to me that she should run on a date with her ex or someone else. I noticed that she was erasing messages on the phone, and this alarmed even more. I tried to talk to her about it, but every conversation turned into some kind of interrogation. She was silent and denied everything, and I pressed more and more. During these conversations, he began to shout more and more often. And the last time he broke off and hit her. I never thought that I could raise my hand to her, but then it happened …

She took the child and went to live with her mother. She said that she had nothing with anyone, that I made it all up. And that until I get back to normal, she won't come back to me. But there is nothing I can do about this jealousy! She is stronger than me, and as if she burns from the inside. Am I such a weakling?"

Jealousy is one of the most difficult emotional states

This is a tangled tangle in which there is anger, resentment, anger, anxiety, love, envy, insecurity, and a dozen and a half different experiences. Therefore, it cannot be said that jealousy is an unambiguously negative emotion. We are jealous only of those to whom we are very strongly attached, whom we love madly, who are for us the most important part of our life. If the partner was indifferent, if he was not of any value, then jealousy would not arise.

See also: About men-owners, or Where do the legs of male jealousy grow from?

Any emotion (and negative too) has some meaning, for some reason a person needs it. Evolutionary psychologists believe that jealousy is a consequence of the procreation instinct and is needed to protect offspring and provide “their” resources.

• In the first case (protection of offspring), jealousy is needed in order to protect the mating partner from the encroachments of other individuals, which gives a guarantee that your children are your children. And you can no doubt take care of them as the successors of your kind.
• In the second case (providing resources), jealousy borders on emotions such as envy and greed. A close person in relation to us is a valuable resource, an assistant in survival. And it would be extremely wrong to share this resource with strangers.

From an evolutionary point of view, jealousy is a normal condition. Anyone can feel, experience jealousy. Therefore, being jealous does not mean being weak. But this is how we react to jealousy, what we do with it, what actions we do under its influence - this is our conscious choice. Conscious ?!

The main problem with jealousy is that our cognitive abilities are severely impaired in this state. We are poorly aware of what is happening; do not see ourselves from the outside; do not calculate the consequences of our words and actions. “To be a weakling” means to follow the lead of this emotion, to commit rash acts for which you will later be ashamed. "Being strong", on the contrary, means the ability to restrain yourself and "turn on the head."

If we go back to the case given at the beginning of this article, what “strong” and conscious choice can be made in this situation?

Key phrase: “… her behavior has changed a lot; we began to communicate less … ". Why did this happen? What is she missing in your relationship with her? Correspondence with someone on the phone is only a consequence, not a reason. You have already "conquered" this woman once; what needs to be done to return the relationship with her to its previous level (or make it even better)?

Don't waste your energy on surveillance, find a positive solution! This will be a conscious reaction of a strong person to jealousy, not a weakling.