Two Successful Strategies: How To Stop Choosing The Inappropriate Men - Relations

This is one of the most common questions that a psychologist is asked. Only it is formulated a little differently: "Why do I come across such men?" and "What's wrong with me?" We must say right away that not always there is some serious psychological problem behind the inability to choose

Add criticality

Due to youthful maximalism, some of the girls are really inclined, after the first kiss, to draw for themselves a magnificent wedding, a bright future, a bunch of children and a vacation on the islands. That, as we understand, does not always contribute to a more or less conscious choice of a partner.

Strictly speaking, getting rid of this kind of "daydreaming" is called life experience. It is worse when criticality lets down already quite adult young ladies.

Assess the level of expectations

It is no secret that mature women have a fairly detailed "internal scale" of what a particular man can be useful for.

Stories ranging from “I haven’t had sex for a long time” to “he courted me so beautifully,” as a rule, happily replenish the archive of sexual experiences and pleasant memories

Problems arise in situations where a new partner does not meet expectations: "How could I be so wrong about him?" Or when other relationships, except "for one night", cannot be built in principle.

How do "incomprehensible" relationships arise?

The fact is that some of the girls, under the influence of various factors (strong feelings, biological clock, pressure from relatives and society, fear of loneliness, etc.), at some point "lose sight". And for the role of "suitable" they begin to immediately record the first, well, or the second, caught.

Here, as a rule, incomprehensible relationships begin. When, over time, they are taken apart with their girlfriends or a psychologist, they only wonder: "Was it really me?"

After a while, it is clearly seen that the “appointed beloved” did not show more interest than a single sex requires, or even did not plan any relationship with you at all

Stereotypes lead to manipulation

Unfortunately, the myth about the "fundamental difference" in the psychology of men and women does not contribute to the simplicity of relationships. Remember, probably, all these "men are from Mars, women are from Venus"?

As a result, instead of debugging mutual understanding, partners begin to use all sorts of manipulations to "control" each other

In addition, there are people for whom simplicity and transparency of relationships is unattainable due to their psychological characteristics.

Scenario relationships

One of the most popular explanations for choosing the wrong men is that the lady has a subconscious "script". It is closely related to the history of growing up in the parental family, the presence of psychological trauma, experience of violence and codependency.

It is worth mentioning a "classic" example, when the daughters of alcoholics, who on a conscious level swear to themselves and others not to associate their lives with the owner of this addiction, choose alcoholics or drug addicts as partners. And this story can be repeated many times

Considering not the highest level of psychological literacy of our population, such women most often reach a psychologist, already having a “history” of visiting magicians, fortune-tellers, psychics who dearly removed damage, evil eye and “ancestral curse” from them.

Victims of violence

One of the most difficult to understand psychological mechanisms is that in the child's perception, the atmosphere of psychological and physical domestic violence "merges" with the feeling of "home".

In adult life, such a woman perceives a man with whom one can build normal relationships as “boring”, “boring” and “uninteresting”. But all sorts of deviants from the doorway attract her with the necessary emotional "degree".

Here, by the way, lies the answer to the famous dilemma "Why do good girls love bad boys?"

Children of divorce

Childhood traumatic experiences of parental divorce can transform in adulthood into an inability to trust men, despite all reasoning.

Such a girl will be terrified of establishing deep trusting relationships with any man. She will not be able to perceive a partner as a support in difficult life situations

Here is a vivid example from a conversation between a client and a psychologist: “When I think about having a child of my own, I first of all calculate how much money is needed for this. There is no scenario in my head that there will be a man next to me who will provide us at least for the first time."

Who do "daddy's daughters" choose?

In the case of excessive love and overprotection, the girl with whom the dust was always blown away and for whom her dad remained the “most powerful and infallible man” after adolescence is deprived of the opportunity to truly grow up and separate from her parental family.

In a strange way (and as psychologists say, "just according to Freud") no young man for such a "daddy's daughter" can compare in manifestations of love with dad

In the best case, such a "princess" closer to thirty will be given, again by parental command, for a wealthy man close to his dad. At worst, such a young lady is doomed to live life in a parental family, having the prospect of her own lonely old age.

Two successful strategies. Step-by-step instruction

For those who, for various reasons, have a need to build new relationships, there are basically two successful "strategies".

Strategy # 1. Lower the bar

With age, we become more tolerant of other people's shortcomings and often reconsider what in our youth seemed to us to be shortcomings.

I'm talking about that internal process when "stinginess" gradually turns into "thrift", boringness - into reliability, "good looks" - one of the signs of potential infidelity, "whims and whims" - into signs of chronic infantilism, etc. …

Strategy # 2. Keep the bar

This is a rarer strategy. Several times in my life I have seen women who have been looking for a suitable partner for a long time, in spite of any “limitations” and “fears” that are significant for others. They searched until they found someone who would definitely suit them.

To do this, you need not be afraid of loneliness, very well understand yourself and what is really important to you in a relationship

Note to the hostess

In conclusion, a few simple-sounding, but difficult-to-fulfill wishes:

• 1. Good relations - by definition "transparent", that is, those in which both parties have the opportunity, without fear and panic, to clarify, if necessary, "what is happening between us."
• 2. Only parents (and even then not all) are able to love us "unconditionally". Relations with all other people who love us will be built depending on many circumstances, and in these relationships you will always have to put up with something and adapt to something.
• 3. Happiness in family life can be found at any age. And the fear of "being alone" is more connected with low self-esteem and fear of judgment from others than with the real prospect of being alone.
• 4. Men should be talked to. Not guessing, not guessing, not guessing, but learning to speak.
• 5. Well, of course, it is worth seeking professional psychological help on time. Fortunately, today there are choices and opportunities.

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