Gathering-divorce. Top 6 Psychological Causes Of Divorce - Relations

Divorce is not such an old invention. And divorce without obstacles on the part of the state and the church is still the "blue dream" of many. In many countries, when spouses break up, they persistently try to determine who is more to blame. In our country, by the way, not so long ago they also ceased to consider divorce to be the destruction of the “social unit”. Let's take a walk on the main psychological reasons for divorce

1. STUDENT DIVORCE

Divorce, like marriage, can be "student". This is when, after graduating from the institute, the spouses who recently shared a bed in a student dormitory suddenly look closely at each other and come to the conclusion that what suited them perfectly in the conditions of a student carefree life looks completely different outside the walls of the institute.

Without offending those who have established successful relationships since their student days, we add that student marriage resembles a teenage experiment under the slogan "so that mom does not scold." Such marriages fall apart, because they have fully fulfilled their tasks - to legalize sexual relations between partners, insure a girl in case of pregnancy, try "almost adult" life, demonstrate to parents all the measure of independence, and at the same time get rid of loneliness in an unfamiliar city. So it is not surprising that those spouses who, after graduation, do not find new meanings in their life together, part.

2. Gray hair in the beard

The psychoanalytic version of the explanation of the famous "gray hair in a beard, a devil in a rib" is reduced to an unconscious fear of death, which pushes a man into the arms of young women. There is, however, a suspicion that they came up with this explanation to console the "first" wives - the same age.

A man after forty begins to appreciate in a special way the beauty of falling in love, the nuances of relationships, he is inclined to understand and savor his feelings. At the same time, he learns to admire female beauty and finally can afford to pamper his chosen one in a way that was not available in his youth.

And now we are not talking about the case when the wife is updated along with the car, because "it is supposed to be", but about all kinds of "last" and "penultimate" feelings that fall on the heads of mature and fully accomplished men.

By the way, the morality that has changed in recent years has again ceased to consider the significant difference in age reprehensible. It is worth recalling here that in the century before last, the common practice in the upper strata of society was the marriage of a mature man to a young girl, and this did not surprise anyone.

3. MISCONCIDENCE

Another common reason for divorce is that one of the partners changes rapidly, while the other remains in place. Such changes, especially when they involve professional and personal development issues, often wreak havoc on relationships. After all, a person who has achieved success changes. And how many stories we know when personal success had to pay with family well-being.

Only here you should not confuse the effect with the causes. As a rule, old relationships fall apart first, since the other half is unable to agree with the change in the relationship model. And then they go to another, young or not so. The main thing is that she "looks into her mouth", or rather, treats her partner with the share of respect he needs now.

I remember how one client of mine managed, out of an old habit, during rather rare meetings, to “endure the brains” and deny sex to her one-year-old husband, who was making a successful foreign career. Not surprisingly, the request to a psychologist sounded something like this: "Will we still be able to live together or is it time to divorce?"

4. DEPENDENCE

A popular reason for those who are not inclined to rescue is to divorce due to the fact that the second spouse has become addicted.

The variety of scenarios here is rather small, depending on what kind of dependence is involved. With gambling addiction, life first turns into a series of marital winnings and losses, a little later - into a streak of continuous losses. Particularly patient can live up to the night visits of the criminal type of creditors, who in a strange way do not want to delve into the details of family relations, but stupidly repeat that "he owes us" and offer to pay this very debt. At the same time, they show such persistence that a lady who had already divorced her husband-player at that time was forced to connect family ties in the law enforcement agencies so that she would stop persecuting her.

With alcoholism, the second partner has a wider choice - you can get drunk on brotherhood with your spouse, you can just start living a separate life, formally continuing to remain married, or you can start to actively save the one who stumbled. Moreover, this salvation will definitely drag on for many years and will gradually turn into the meaning of life. Therapists working in the field of drug addiction are well aware that after an alcoholic is “cured”, problems usually begin in his relatives. Directly according to the formula: “They saved, saved, they put their lives on this matter. And he took it and recovered! And what to do now, what to do?"

With drug addicts, the situation is simpler - either the second spouse becomes a drug addict, or the relationship falls apart rather quickly.

A similar picture, by the way, happens if one of the spouses falls into a cult or sect. Family members either become sectarians, or the "convert" stops communicating with them. In many cases, before the divorce, the family still has time to be robbed. So, one woman who got into the cult managed to blow away two jointly acquired apartments in a couple of years. So the spouse and children who escaped from her would literally be on the street, if not for the help of compassionate relatives.

5. DISEASE

There are dramatic divorces, for the reasons of which no one is to blame, when one of the spouses was taken by an illness. I mean mental illness. As one client exactly said about her schizophrenic husband: "This is not him, he is not." God forbid someone to face such a choice. But this alternative sounds quite categorical - whose life is more important - yours or your loved one. And here that will win - the sense of self-preservation of a healthy spouse or his own sense of duty, heavily seasoned with guilt. It is clear that in the case of a mental disorder, the course of the disease can be very different. However, this does not in any way remove, for example, the problem of having such a couple of children. And no matter how much we may refer to the fact that no one has the right to infringe on the rights of psychiatric patients, we should not forgetthat no one has the right to force a healthy partner to live in eternal fear as to whether their joint child will inherit the parental disease. By the way, in contrast to the humanistic tendencies of modern psychiatry, the church considers this reason for divorce as completely legitimate.

6. "DIVORCE QUEEN"

And, of course, one cannot ignore the main reason in all senses and at all times - adultery. In relation to betrayal in European culture, two opposite approaches have long been developed. On the one hand, there is a harsh condemnation of the “guilty”, a religious and legislative ban on “adultery,” and on the other, a life practice reflected in literature and folklore, in which adultery is not assessed so harshly. A whole layer of erotic literature, starting with the Renaissance, is associated precisely with adultery. Since virginity was highly valued in many countries, losing it before marriage, and even coupled with the birth of a child, put an end to the life of a “sinner”. For married women, in the absence of genetic expertise, even an unplanned pregnancy did not pose a big threat. Fortunately, guaranteed methods of protection appeared already in the twentieth century, and the criterion "similar - not similar" does not always work reliably.

Today, morality is forced to serve such a variety of options for sexual relations that it is not necessary to talk seriously about treason as the main reason for parting. The last tendency is that personal characteristics of a person rather than socially accepted norms come to the fore.