How To Cope With Separation And Loss Of A Loved One. Three Exercises For Self-support - Self-development

Any breakups we have faced have affected our personality structure. The first changes began with a symbolic separation from parents (going to a nursery school, kindergarten, junior classes, etc.), then the transition to an independent life. Divorce, parting with loved ones, moving, quarrels, death of a loved one leave a strong imprint. While sometimes these stages are necessary to form the thread of our lives, separation is a painful experience. We must control it at all levels: physical, psychological, conscious and subconscious.

How to deal with separation and loss of a loved one

Loss of illusion

Losing a job, friendship, dreams, or illusions makes us rethink our lives. We deliberately harbor hopes and dreams that don't always correspond to reality. Therefore, some wake up one morning and bitterly state that their life is far from ideal.

Jean-Claude is unhappy in his marriage. In order not to allow himself to become discouraged, he constantly disappears at work. Today he complains of various pains and insomnia. During therapy, he realized that, having failed to establish life in the family, he drowned out his melancholy in a heap of affairs. Natasha dreamed of a handsome prince. On every date she thought she had found the love of her life, but after a few months she realized that she was wrong. "Again, not the same!" she said to herself, confident that one day she would meet a man who would completely suit her. But today she realizes that it is time for her to grow up and part with some illusions.

Hope not only helps us get through difficult times, it can also blind us. Loss of illusion causes frustration. Dreams are replaced by disappointment or even depression. Trials like these make us think deeply about the meaning and true needs of our lives. Everyone who has gone through a breakup, be it a loved one or some kind of situation (unemployment, dismissal), knows how hard it is to part, leave, lose. Life is a series of meetings and partings. “A breakup is a reconstruction, a breakup is a crack, an amputation,” Marcel Rufo, a child psychiatrist, tells us.

Learn to break up

Remember that childhood experiences are at the core of our lives. He leaves numerous traces. We repeat in our daily life unfinished scenarios of our childhood. Parting is a condition for the emergence of every individual, it marks every stage of his development. Any human problem in life is the need to part and learn to survive.

It is necessary to understand the importance of the process of separation in early childhood, since everything happens in the first months of life and is inextricably linked with the mother-child relationship. Traumatic care and separation associated with the death of loved ones, divorce, separation (for example, a short absence of a mother in early childhood) can take on the same meaning as in childhood. Refusal, lack of love or excessive care of the environment are also associated with the separation process. Each upcoming loss or separation revives the despair etched in our memory. This threatens our balance and mental health. Analyzing how we experienced these losses allows us to better understand and overcome them in order to avoid an echo in the future.

There are even pathologies where the trauma from parting is experienced as a "fracture" - a strong blow that breaks a part of our body. The same can be said about psychological trauma, when a breakdown occurs in an overly vulnerable psyche: due to a strong shock, the defense cannot withstand.

So, Jeanne, a few months after the departure of her husband, found a nodule in her chest that turned out to be oncogenic. This break in relations, which materialized in her body, awakened the psychological trauma received at the age of 5, when her parents, going to work abroad, left her with her aunt for 2 years without explaining the reasons.

What is the work of sorrow

The phenomenon of grief is known to everyone, and its mechanism in 1915 was identified and described by Sigmund Freud (Freud Z. Sadness and melancholy, 1986.) under the name "work of grief". He believes that grief arises when a loved one or an ideal (freedom, for example) leaves. Grief is universal, but each of us experiences it differently, depending on our upbringing, culture, and character. There is no way to avoid pain. We have to go through it so that it calms down. This is a psychological work that allows you to accept the loss, absence, and collapse of plans in order to re-invest in other life projects. The work of sorrow can last from a year to two years. As a rule, if we have lost a relative, then we grieve for him for about two years. 4 years we have been in sadness after parting or divorce. 4-6 years - if the spouse died. 8-9 years old - if a child. Of coursethese are only general data, in fact, everything is individual and the duration of grief depends on a particular personality, its history and the degree of attachment to the departed person. Therefore, some people experience more grief than others.

“This is a very important psychological task that requires us to fully focus on it, using all our resources and energy,” writes Bruno Bettelheim.

The work of grief is a work of liberation, consisting of mental operations that help gradually break the ties with the one we have lost. The time of sorrow is a time of physical suffering that must be experienced. This is a necessary transition period to avoid complications. It proceeds unevenly and consists of progress and regression, and everyone experiences it in their own rhythm. If you don't survive it, you can get sick or become depressed. Therefore, it is useless to deny it or mask it with any tricks, since the symptoms will surface with each new difficulty or loss, even years later. By expressing your suffering in words, you begin the work of sorrow, and this necessary period may take time. The grieving process is the same process of wound healing. And for the wounds to heal, you must first accept them.

Inevitable Stages of the Grieving Process

Learn to live without the other

After the breakup, we are left alone and cannot regulate our conflicting emotions. We would stop suffering, but the wound in the heart constantly reminds of itself. Feeling overwhelmed and confused, we are no longer sure that we can ever get out of this state. But you need to live on, even if you have lost your taste for life. To hold on at any cost, for the sake of yourself and your children, to fight for your rights in case of divorce or inheritance, to find a job, money, sometimes sell your property, move, despite fears. In case of divorce or separation, the struggle can be merciless: it turns out that love is not always tender, and the god of love Eros is not in vain the son of the formidable Ares, the god of war. No one will come out unscathed from this alteration: one will have to accept the loss, the other will have to find the strength to fight in order to save at least something (property, children,dignity, etc.).

Help myself

In a crisis, people often find themselves at the limit of their capabilities, and they have no strength left either for their children or for themselves. The help of friends, family, grandparents helps to overcome this period.

Give time to recover

This convalescence period is beneficial for recovering, numbing pain, and ending obsessive thoughts and conversations. It is needed to determine the state of affairs and to prevent immersion in other relationships without completing the work of grief. “I was angry with all men on earth and would never start a new relationship,” says Mira. “It took me four years to recover!”

A blow to self-esteem causes self-doubt and the possibility of falling in love again. We lose interest in sex, we don't want to see anyone, we withdraw into ourselves, we fall into depression … This process is almost inevitable.

When we finally decide to get out of our hole, we can take a sober look at this gap, understand why we did this, free ourselves from the inner armor and again learn to trust ourselves and others. This respite time allows us to collect our thoughts, reflect on past relationships, bring to the surface what was hidden deep inside, understand what drives our choices. This kind of introspection will help you become aware of needs and expectations in order to meet them.

Take stock and recover

When we manage to get over the breakup and make sense of it, we come out of it as an adult. Some even come out stronger, because, overcoming difficulties, they reveal the power of their inner reserves and fortitude. We become more alive, creative, real. It takes time to break the connection, turn this page of life. Someone cannot cope to the end, in this case therapy can help. The stress of loss is a powerful emotional shake-up, with severe mental and physical upheavals. Sophrology, through its influence on the neurovegetative system, will help relieve this tension and learn to take care of yourself and your body.

During this period, it is very important to pay special attention to yourself

Think about what could help you recover and return to yourself. This can be physical activity such as regular exercise and pampering, yoga, relaxation, or meditation. Monitor your diet. If your brain is too agitated by different thoughts, taking a half-hour walk alone, during which you need to concentrate on your breathing, will help you.

Movement and oxygenation of the body will restore your strength. While walking, stop your gaze on some element of nature: it can be a sky, a plant, a tree - anything that can attract your attention and distract from obsessive thoughts.

If you suffer from insomnia, re-read the chapter "How to Improve Sleep" and do the exercises from there. Doing them regularly will help you become calmer. Take time, be alone, in a relaxed environment to heal your wounds, cry, reflect, meditate, or just be yourself.

Perhaps this is a reason to think deeply. Answer yourself to the questions: What matters to you at the moment? What's really important? Don't be afraid to reconsider your values, lifestyle, etc.

Perhaps you are bending over under the weight of various problems. We often think that we are able to cope with them ourselves. Keep it simple, don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember, no difficulties last forever, and you will definitely cope with them.

It is not easy to free yourself emotionally, to find inner balance in order to continue your life from where everything stopped. Surviving a loss in order to allow yourself to live again and give a chance to revive desire is an important stage in your life path.

Practice

U P R A Z N E N I E No. 1

Let go of the situation and stop chewing on it

• While standing or sitting, begin to relax every part of your body: jaw, mouth, shoulders, arms, back, pelvis, legs.

• Concentrate briefly on your calm, measured breathing to consolidate the relaxed state.

• Then inhale and stretch your arms out in front of you, clenching your fists. Imagine that in each hand you hold your sorrows, worries, worries.

• Hold the air in your lungs for a short moment and unclench and clench your fists several times, imagining that you are releasing their contents, and being aware of all these obsessive thoughts that you let go.

• Exhale, breathe calmly, then repeat the exercise 2 times.

U P R A Z N E N I E No. 2

Breake down

• While standing or sitting, relax every part of your body.

• Then inhale with your arms outstretched in front of you and, while holding the air, make a goodbye gesture with both hands to free yourself of anything you don't need.

• Then breathe calmly and repeat this exercise 2 times, concentrating on your feelings.

U P A Z N E N I E No. 3

A positive outlook on life

After completing the exercises, sit for a few minutes. Then imagine yourself a few months later, your desires, plans, aspirations that you would like to realize. Retain this image and the positive feeling it has and visualize it every night before bed.

Fragment of the book “Reconcile body and soul. Body practices for a life free of disease and stress. " Michelle Freud. - Moscow: Publishing house "Bombora", 2020.