Close The Gestalt And Sleep Well! Is It Worth Revenge? - Society

To take revenge or not to take revenge? That is the question. Our psyche is arranged like this: if we did not answer the offender - from day to day, again and again in our thoughts, we begin to scroll through the dialogue with him. What would we do if we could turn back time? Such fictional dialogues and scenes can lead to complete exhaustion, confusion, depression, and sometimes completely change the course of life

Imagine that you have been wronged. Unexpectedly, unpleasant and clearly undeserved. And the state of shock that you experienced did not allow you to take a sober look at the situation. We collect tons of such simple and complex "unfinished gestalts" in our life. They poison not only thoughts, but also life, do not allow building relationships with new people. Because of what the behavior looks, to put it mildly, inadequate. The incompleteness of one situation can manifest itself in completely unpredictable places, as in a joke about a communal apartment: "You shouldn't apologize, I already wrote to you in borscht!"

CASHIER WITH A MACHINE

In the movies, they often show how a patient who comes to a psychologist is immediately offered to find old offenders, often from childhood, and rehabilitate his psyche - to talk to them or stand up for himself without swallowing the old resentment. This is perfectly illustrated in Peter Segal's film Anger Management. The psychologist (Jack Nicholson) goes with his client (Adam Sandler) to the school bully who hurt him as a child, with the task of telling him that his patient mocked the sick sister of a former classmate and at the same time with humor walk on his current value - Buddha. These are just words, not supported by any facts, make the bully, who has become a Buddhist monk, enter into a fight with the main character, and the main character is revealed to the previously hidden horizons of courage. He skilfully escaped from the fight, but took revenge on him.

The same psychologist correctly assessed his client: “Angry people are divided into two types: explosive and implosive. An explosive person is, for example, a person who yells at a cashier for refusing to accept coupons from him, and an implosive person is a cashier who calmly listens to it day after day, and then takes a machine gun and goes to shoot random passers-by. You are the cashier!"

I hasten to note that there are a lot of such "cashiers" in our society. And just give them a machine gun.

HIT ON THE RIGHT CHEEK, SUBSTITUTE THE LEFT

As you know, there are not many saints on our mortal land, a few people for two and a half centuries. But every person has the unconscious, and even if it seems to him that he has forgiven the offender long ago, the unconscious is looking for a variant of revenge. And now - bam! - you are all so good, you have forgiven everyone everything and do not take offense, but out of the blue you speak offensively or arrange, as it were by chance, a little nasty thing, and then you wonder - how cleverly justice has triumphed! This is not justice, which, as you know, is always subjective, it was you who took revenge with your (or someone else's) hands and did not even notice it. And those who say: "I have forgiven and forgot!" - they brazenly lie to themselves and to others, because if the resentment could arise, then it is hidden and you cannot cover it with forgiveness, like a heap of dung with roses.

Forgiveness, or more precisely, allowance, arises when, looking into the eyes of a person, you understand that, in fact, you have nothing to say, not because there are no words, but because you do not want to say anything! As in the movie "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" Katerina says to Rodion: "I have rehearsed our meeting with you for so many years, imagined everything and imagined that I will tell you how it will look, and now I have nothing to say!"

From the point of view of psychology, this phenomenon is explained by the fact that the conflict we have, as a rule, does not occur with the person himself, but with his projection, that is, with our idea of him. And when we see lively eyes, open our mouths to say something, then all the insidious plans either disappear or let us go because we just got the opportunity to speak out.

In films, the main characters, before revenge, always speak out and give another to speak. And they do their plans after communication only because, according to the law of the genre, the peaceful expense of the parties would look somehow strange.

There are, of course, very principled people for whom to accomplish what was conceived, even if it is not relevant, is also a guarantee of internal integrity, but this is a rarity. These people, as a rule, are very unhappy in life, because they forget its main law - it is not a person who exists for a principle, but a principle for him, so he can always be changed.

ENVIRONMENTAL VENUE

It happens when we do not have the opportunity to talk to a live offender. For creative individuals, this method is suitable: write a story in which the main character takes revenge in all colors to his offender. Gestalt therapists suggest putting a chair in front of you, imagining the offender on it, expressing everything to him and hitting him in the face with his feet. You can do whatever you would like to do with this chair or with any object to restore justice. You can simply describe the situation as it was, but at the end, remember the cherished "if only …" and write the end as you would like. Sublimated resentment can lead you to the creation of Facebook, like Mark Zuckerberg, or to complete ruin in life, it depends on talent and luck.

The most unsustainable revenge is to seek allies against your abuser. At the same time, internal anger will grow, you will feel even more like a victim in this unfair life. And such a position negatively affects self-esteem and subsequent life choices, because the victim will always find an executioner for himself.

PRICE FOR OFFENSE

The option "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" does not help, because for most people who are humane and well-brought up, such stupid revenge causes guilt, remorse, anger at oneself and, most importantly, does not bring any relief at all.

In addition, the offense is often imaginary, far-fetched, not so understood, and the harm inflicted from revenge is real, because of which later you will have to repent of what you have done. But it will be too late.

Gestalt must be closed for your psyche, but it is advisable to do it so as not to destroy someone else's. You can get out of any conflict in the black if you are guided by the principles of rational revenge.

On the one hand, a vengeful person should not be afraid to risk everything for the sake of revenge, on the other hand, he should pursue his interests, and not just prove his case. The emotion of revenge, of course, is irrational, overshadows reason and subjugates a person to itself until it is at least slightly discharged. But we differ from animals in that we do not follow only our instincts, but try to be higher and stronger than them, even if this does not always work out. The mind helps the head to emerge and react in a way that is characteristic of a reasonable person, not a caveman …

It is important to ask yourself the question: what do you want to get from revenge? And here there is a clear answer: return your integrity and / or receive compensation. In fact, revenge is the price of the insult, the moral damage suffered, which is determined subjectively by the victim himself and presents it to the offender. If the price is not paid, the gestalt remains open and begins to rot inside.

One person needs a verbal apology to restore inner integrity, while another needs the shed blood of the offender. It is for “others” that the criminal code exists.

The price, as you know, depends on the subjective value, and in order to preserve the psychological integrity, it is better not to accumulate debtors for yourself.

Intelligent Response Mechanism:

1. First, it is worth declaring the transferred offense. This can be learned from movie characters: "Why are you saying this?", "Why are you doing this on purpose to offend me?" More beautiful options: "I did not expect this behavior from you!", "You destroyed all the best that was!", "You trampled me (a), destroyed (a)!"

Suddenly it turns out that there was a misunderstanding and the person accidentally offended you or you misunderstood something. In one story, unfortunately I do not remember the author, it was amazingly described how a husband secretly earned money after work in order to surprise his wife - a worthy gift for the New Year. His wife suspected him of treason, began to bring flowers home and mysteriously disappear in order to take revenge on him. So they almost got divorced, until a frank conversation took place. Having learned the secret, she, of course, greatly regretted it and began to appreciate him more than before.

2. After the reaction follows, it is customary to make a derogatory speech. And this is also taught in the cinema: "I thought you were a person who could feel and think, but you are an animal that only consumes and digests!"

3. "I expect from you …" (your decision): "that you will never appear in my life again!", Or "an apology", or "I hope that you will not do this again!" what you think is right to restore your sense of justice.

Yes, of course, it turns out very similar to a scene from a local drama club. However, a clarification, and especially a solution, often exhausts the topic, which is clearly better than venomous revenge.

EXPERT OPINION

Tatiana Volkova, psychologist, image-consultant, coach

I WILL HAVE REVENGE

She prepares cold revenge and serves it for dessert … Revenge is an extremely harmful activity. The one who dreams of revenge is constantly stewing in the negative, sorting through the traumatic moments in his memory, carefully keeping pain and resentment in his soul. It takes a lot of time, energy, and mental strength to prepare an effective response to the offender. And what is the bottom line? Happiness, glee, satisfaction? Unlikely … Rather, a feeling of emptiness and physical fatigue. It would be much more rational, if not to forgive, then at least to forget. The question arises: why do so many people so enthusiastically play the toy "I will take revenge!"

The intention to take revenge, as a rule, is based on deep resentment and hatred towards the offender. And hatred and everything connected with it are not socially approved feelings. So we do not want to show others that we are experiencing these "bad" feelings. And I really want to look “white and fluffy”. As a result, instead of getting angry at the person and “working out” the negative, we begin to take revenge. Ostensibly trying to restore justice.

EXPERT OPINION

Boris Novobozhkin, family psychologist and psychotherapist

IN SEARCH OF JUSTICE

Do not lie to yourself about forgiveness and rush about with resentment. Losers or those who have nothing to do are offended. Successful people, for example in business, push back resentment. But I also cannot agree with the psychological "ersatz" of the "humanists": to take revenge is bad, to want revenge is a bad feeling. Revenge is the emotional component on which the human concept of justice is built. When we talk about intimate relationships, the "how much?" - pretty constructive. I offended and I apologize, but they tell me: "How can you prove it?" The question is whether the abuser is willing to pay. Payment according to the "price" does not allow revenge to "unwind": the person offended me, I responded even more, as a result, both of them may have a growing debt.

It is important to calculate the price correctly. But, having taken away your "debt", think about whether you want to continue the relationship with the "abuser".