I Constantly Find Myself In A Lifeguard Scenario, How To Break Out Of The Vicious Circle? - Relationships, Self-development

It seems that even those who are not at all interested in psychology have heard about Karpman's dramatic triangle. The Victim, the Persecutor, the Rescuer are mentioned to the place and out of place, and calls are made to urgently get out of the ill-fated scenario in order to heal with your own life. Happily ever after

However, the problem is that this is not so easy to do. To begin with, you have to admit that you are an active participant in this "game". She has become your habitual way of interacting with others. If you feel like you are constantly falling into the lifeguard scenario, it means that you are already inside the Karpman triangle. In addition, most likely, you periodically find yourself in the roles of victim and persecutor.

It’s just that no one plays these games; the benefits that make us get stuck in the cycle for a long time (or even for life)

These are our desires and needs, which, for some reason, we are not able (at least we are sincerely convinced of this) to receive in other ways. They can be either completely conscious or completely unconscious.

We learn the way of interacting with others in childhood on the example of our parents, develop it independently, meeting the various challenges of adult life, and strengthen it by getting what we want or when we are faced with the impossibility of satisfying a need. Unfortunately, any indirect, manipulative ways of interaction, in addition to benefits, bring "in the load" and unexpected problems. They are snowballing, demanding attention and draining us. That is why a seemingly working scenario of getting what is needed leaves the feeling that the game was not worth the candle at all.

Despite the fact that the Rescuer often sees himself as an altruist who devotes himself entirely to others, his main problem is overestimated self-esteem. Rescuers live as if their commitment and influence extend to the entire world. The life of such a person does not seem to belong to him, complete confusion reigns in matters of boundaries, there is no clarity, where is mine, where is someone else's, where are whose desires and needs, who owes whom and what. And if there is no understanding regarding areas of responsibility and control, a lot of energy is spent on living such a life, and satisfaction does not come.

Kind

This is the benchmark lifesaver. It is he who is always ready to help in any trouble, often sacrificing his own interests. He is sincerely sorry for everyone who, in his opinion, is having a hard time. As a result, he is constantly used, deceived and abused by his kindness. Compassion and mutual assistance are commendable qualities of a highly moral person, it is good if they come complete with self-esteem and respect for the subjectivity of another.

Unfortunately, in his imagination, the lifeguard disables others. It seems to him that they are unable to cope with their lives, if you do not give them a helping hand. Few people manage to avoid the temptation to take advantage of the situation. Why bother when a kind one is always at hand?

Possible benefits of the role: a sense of being in demand, important, irreplaceable. This allows you to avoid suffering from the fear of loneliness, compensates for the inability to establish equal, direct relationships. Eliminates thoughts of your own insignificance, unattractiveness.

Cons: inability to live their own life, to be aware of and satisfy their needs, lack of time and energy.

What to do?

Recognize that you are not omnipotent and the people around you are not helpless babies. Serving the interests of others does not guarantee you the sincere gratitude and affection of others. If you find yourself rushing to help, stop and ask yourself a few questions:

1. Have I been asked for help?
2. Do I have enough time and energy to come to the rescue?
3. Is a person able to do on his own what he asks for?
4. Does he expect 100% participation from me or is he going to do something himself?
5. Is it planned to compensate my time and physical costs by the applicant?

Never help without asking. Do not help if your own resources are close to zero, do not agree to solve other people's problems at your own expense. Be clear about what kind of assistance and how much is required. Never settle for 100% participation in solving a problem. Your time and efforts should be compensated, no matter what - material or non-material gratitude, reciprocal service, etc.

Navigator

This is a different kind of lifeguard. He knows everything about everything better than anyone, his view of the world is the most objective, his way of life is the most correct. He will always assess others and tell you what to do and why. He cannot remain silent if he sees that something is being done wrong and is sure that if he is well explained, everyone will finally understand the best way.

Unfortunately, the people around the navigator are desperately resisting, not understanding their happiness. It seems to such a rescuer that he is surrounded by unreasonable, narrow-minded, conflicting people who are simply unable to appreciate the good they are doing.

Possible benefits of the role: a sense of one's own exclusiveness, exclusivity. Receiving the desired attention, emotional involvement of others allows you to ignore the fear of your own insignificance, ordinariness, and insolvency.

Cons: constant conflicts, emotional instability, feelings of insecurity.

What to do?

First, build empathy. Try to see the people around you as individuals with free will and choice. They have the right to live the way they like, even if from your point of view it is completely wrong. No one likes it when someone comes to them for no reason and starts to teach. In order to be eligible, you must be a recognized expert or authority in the field in which the advice is given. Before you give your valuable opinion or impose help, answer yourself the following questions:

1. Have I been asked for help or opinion?
2. How will the wrong decision I make by others affect my life?
3. Why is it so important for me to participate in what is happening?
4. Is my idea of what is best for someone else?

Healthy and mutually enjoyable relationships are more likely to develop between equals and mature individuals. No manipulation and games, no use and violence.

Chronic rescuers live other people's lives, completely disregarding adults who are equal to them and able to cope with their lives. Every time you feel that the old script is sucking you in, remember that you are only directly concerned with your life, your area of control does not extend to others, and the best way to achieve what you want is open and sincere contact with yourself and others.