Linguistic Advice For Those Who Are Afraid Of Relationships. Filophobes Must Read! - Relations

The direction is determined at the beginning of the relationship. Then they wanted only one thing - to conquer a partner and get him for themselves. Or you arranged for your partner to catch you because they didn't want to take responsibility for the relationship from the start. One way or another, most likely, at the beginning of each relationship, you will say and do things that will give your partner hope that the relationship with you can be responsible and lasting. Or you say you are “not ready yet” for a lasting relationship, but treat your potential partner with love and passion. In any case, at the beginning of the relationship, you will send signals that will direct your partner to your arms and give him hope that he can stay there for a long time

Therefore, try not to make promises at the beginning of the relationship that you probably cannot keep. Even if you think this time you really succeed, be careful and take your time. Consider what you are saying. Do not consider the prospect of a joint future if you know for sure that until now you have always fled when faced with too serious obligations. Do not seduce your partner with words, do not inspire him or her how special, unique, mind-blowing and desirable. Such compliments suggest serious intentions. The partner hopes that this can be great love. Just as you shouldn't shower him with compliments, you should give up cryptic hints.

Philophobia is the fear of falling in love or having affection for another person. For a person with philophobia, there is a great risk of being emotionally attached to someone or being in love. Usually occurs when a person is faced with any emotional upheaval associated with love, but it can also be a chronic phobia.

Some filophobes are great at deceiving without verbalizing anything. If you are one of them, then you probably like to convey to your "goal" with a soulful air that it is always so "touching". You make romantic hints, little gifts, and courtesies that clearly indicate "goals" for interest - without saying anything to grab hold of. Or, with the help of heartfelt conversations, you establish a special closeness and intimacy, which gives the “goals” reason to think that you have a deep interest. You reduce the conversation to very intimate, personal topics and weave a whole romantic cocoon of duality around yourself and the interlocutor.

The so-called connoisseurs of women are particularly adept at these psychological techniques. They know how to create an atmosphere of intimacy and privacy in a conversation that makes a woman feel especially interesting and important. Filophobic women have a talent for catching their "subject" with compassionate conversations, like nets. My own biography is also being corrected with pleasure. For example, the filophobe tends to portray himself as a victim in a broken relationship. He would gladly meet old age with this or that partner, if he had not made such unbearable mistakes or abandoned the filophobe for no good reason.

Try to stay as clear and honest as possible from the very beginning, and do not entangle your partner in networks that he will certainly fall into if you already guess or know from past experience that sooner or later you will disappoint him. Don't incite expectations you can't fulfill. Express yourself accurately

If you are afraid that your partner or potential partner might want to get you certain obligations due to the fact that you regularly sleep together, say so, and do not say: "I don't know how I can cope with such a strong feeling for you." Such statements lead people on the wrong path. Your partner will draw the wrong conclusions. If you say, “You are so different from others. I could be happy with you, "- this is already a deception, because in fact it would be necessary to say this:" I think that you are really wonderful, but I do not know if this is enough for me to be able to control your fears."

Remember that your partner is too willing to hope and hear positive things. If you want to open cards from the very beginning and admit to your partner that you have a problem with a strong relationship, think in advance if you have serious intentions to somehow change the situation. Simply admitting that there is a problem - philophobia - means shifting the responsibility onto a partner under the motto: “I warned you. If you get in touch, you will be to blame."

See also: Fear of attachment wears masks: "hunter", "princess", "bricklayer"

If you talk a lot with your partner about your problems, he takes it as a signal that you want to change something. The partner feels like an ally who helps, understands, and possibly even heals. However, if you yourself are still completely unsure that you really need this partner and this relationship and that you are really ready to change something in yourself for this, you are misleading your partner by talking about your problems.

This is especially true of the later stage of the relationship, when you internally hesitate, and the relationship went wrong. At this stage, telling your partner about problems and crying into his vest, you fan the flame of hope in him. He will think, "We can handle this together." Such admissions keep your partner interested while you may be looking for a retreat.

If you are at the stage of internal doubts and contradictions, then you may feel a strong need to avoid scandal. All promises made at the beginning of the relationship now require fulfillment. The partner puts expectations on you. You caught it in the net, it belongs to you. Here your mood deteriorates: until now, your fears were either silent or well restrained, and at the stage of real relationships they break out. Now you have to take responsibility, support your partner, adhere to certain rules and meet expectations, and you are overwhelmed with an urgent desire to avoid all of this. You want to redraw your space. You already regret that you started and said in a fit of the first passion. It's time for maneuvers. But all the maneuvers that you are taking nowcounterproductive - be it multiple escape routes or slurred chatter. The partner will be clearly hurt by your changed attitude and will try to close the distance between you. And your desire to distance yourself will inevitably backfire - your partner will try to achieve even greater intimacy.

See also: Bad couple: philophobia and narcissism

Your speech behavior at this stage is heading for maximum ambiguity and dishonesty. Phrases like "Yes, but …" are piled up, excuses are mumbled, facts are distorted or hushed up, events are simply invented. Perhaps you will try to change tactics and consider every little thing in your partner as critically as possible in order to come to the conclusion that it is his mistakes and weaknesses that destroy the relationship. You will be angry with your partner for pushing you into this situation. You will find problems in the relationship that make you question whether it makes sense to continue. Increasing aggression, you will increasingly pour out on your partner. Or maybe you are the one who prefers strategies of passive aggression - build a wall and give your partner the opportunity to bump into it. He hardly gets to the door and breaks his nose over and over again.

All of this is not fair. And you can be sure that your partner is suffering terribly from your behavior. If you want to retreat, use the main entrance. Tell your partner honestly what is happening to you. Don't put the blame on him, don't use excuses or sugarcoat. Beware of ambiguity. Phrases like "You are infinitely close to me, but I need a little more time" - sheer uncertainty. What is "a little time"? Internally, you may be aware that this time will never come, but you want to keep your partner with you. Another "great" phrase is: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." What should a partner do about it? Of course, he thinks that the feeling of falling in love weakens and turns into love. What is the problem? The problem is, you really had to say, “My feelings for you have changed. I'm not sure,that I still love you enough (or love you at all). " And do not say “this has nothing to do with you” if you internally carefully keep track of your partner's shortcomings.

Try to give your partner honest information about your inner life. This means that you may have to face the risk of losing it

In the end, all your maneuvers are the result of your own indecision. You could have been clearer and more frank. It's not about your communication skills, but about your inner duality. You may not be able to deal with it so quickly, but it is perfectly fair if you give your partner a real chance to decide if he wants to continue the relationship with you. Assume that your partner lives in constant hope of improving the situation. You nourish this hope with your vague words. However, only if your partner receives honest information about you will he be able to really assess the potential of the relationship.

Thus, the deciding factor is that you always tell only half the truth, that you are dishonest. Your partner is completely confused and clings to any straw. For fear of losing you, he tends to always choose the best from your statements. Then you again have a reason to accuse him: “You always hear only what you want to hear! I never said that, I said something completely different …”And again the partner remains a fool. So please take responsibility for your feelings and words. And please be responsible. Observe the agreements that you have concluded, do not disappear into no one knows where and do not refuse to meet five minutes before it. Insecurity is frustrating and annoying for your partner. In addition, all these short-term maneuvers do not bring relief to you, but only increase the tension in the relationship. Even if you find it difficult to communicate openly at first, you will soon find that you are simplifying, not complicating, life for yourself and your partner. As mentioned earlier, your attempts to leave as many workarounds for yourself as possible lead to the fact that your partner puts more pressure on you, not less. In other words, the exact opposite of what you expect is happening.

For many filophobes, the fear of speaking out is not limited only to partnership, but also penetrates into professional and friendly relations. You will find that the relationship will become much more smoother as you begin to express yourself more clearly and become more reliable

Always remember that momentary disappointment with someone in a moment of honesty causes much less anger than when it turns out later that words are not followed by action. If you are straightforward and honest, the other person may (optionally) be slightly disappointed and angry. If he gets through you only a little later, or you make him wait in vain for himself, he will feel that he has remained in the fool, and will really get angry.

Of course, it is not easy to go beyond the patterns of behavior familiar from childhood. But the one who dares to see his behavior in a relationship from the outside - himself, avoiding attachment, keeping his partner at a distance, rejecting expectations, withdrawing, playing the victim and eluding verbally, just not to take on any obligations - he will already take a big step forward. … Perhaps the next practical steps, which were discussed in different sections of this book, will take a little more time and work on yourself. But this path is worth it. This is talked about by people who have come face to face with their fear of relationships and overcome it partially or completely. After all, only when you see your fears and, perhaps, even step back a little from them, you will be able to seehow much energy do you spend on repression and escape. Energy that is so lacking in life. At this point, you suddenly begin to see other people, and then you can experience something that philophobes never experience - a real connection with others.

Of course, self-help in the area of deep psychological problems, which is the fear of relationships, has its limits. Therefore, I can only advise you to find yourself support in the person of a good therapist, if you feel that you yourself have not made much progress.

A chapter from the book “Loves / Dislikes. What is holding you back from building a strong relationship and how to fix it. " Stephanie Stahl. - Moscow: Publishing house "Bombora", 2020.