Divorce As A Man: Myths And Reality - Relations

When a man decides to divorce, he rarely does so under the influence of emotion. Most often, a divorce is a well-thought-out decision, and the rear is prepared.

The first myth. HE GETS A DIVORCE BECAUSE WANTS FREEDOM

It is believed that a man wants to get rid of the bonds of marriage in order to gain freedom and finally begin to do what was limited in his marriage by his spouse. Yes, it is possible that sometimes married men, after another “study” on the topic “your friends are dearer than me,” dream of getting rid of the control of their wife. But in reality, after parting with his wife, a man quickly realizes that he does not need this “freedom”.

See also: How to survive cheating

A man rarely strives for complete freedom after several years of marriage. They almost never go "nowhere", and much more often - to a new partner. Another thing is that this does not always work: either that woman was not ready for such a male "sacrifice", or her relationship with the now free man acquired a not too romantic coloring, or the man himself realized that this woman was only a means in order to decide to leave his wife. Yet, when a man decides to divorce, he rarely does so under the influence of emotion. More often than not, this decision is thought out and the rear is prepared.

The second myth. A MAN GETS DIVORCE EASIER

Probably, we can all remember some of the familiar men who, in a situation of parting with their wife, act according to the saying “as if the demon had possessed”. It would seem that the correct father of the family suddenly becomes a reveler youth. But this, as mentioned above, is a temporary reaction. The ease and carelessness of his behavior are only seeming. There are much more problems …

A man rarely receives support in the eyes of the environment, especially if he was the initiator of the divorce. If a woman in this situation is supported and pitied, then the man is left alone with his experiences.

See also: Loneliness is pain. Why are we starting a family

A lot of problems appear. Yes, he thought over his life, life after the divorce. But thinking over and facing something in reality are completely different things. Before the breakup, life was built in a certain way, and household duties were either divided or were on women's shoulders, and now he needs to cope with everything himself. And the man is surprised to find that the food itself does not cook, the food has stopped growing in the refrigerator, but mountains of dirty socks and dishes grow well. It is somewhat easier for a woman - she is more accustomed to household chores.

Most often, he must live elsewhere. This further complicates life. A man is used to finding familiar things in familiar places. In the event of a move, he has to organize everything anew, gradually transporting things from his wife and constantly forgetting about something.

If the wife was the initiator of the divorce, then there is no question of any "lightness" in the feelings of a man. Of course, in this case, too, a man can outwardly flaunt the "freedom" that has suddenly fallen upon him. Like, look: she's gone, well, okay, she's not the only one, there are many comforters. But, of course, the situation when the wife herself makes the decision to divorce is much more traumatic, since the man did not have time to prepare for this news, even if the relationship was bad enough for several years.

See also: What are men afraid of? 3 main fears in family life

If adaptation to a divorce situation in women is more emotionally saturated with negative experiences, women need less time, most often from six months to a year, to recover and start living anew, but men need more time - about 1.5-2 years.

IVAN, 25 YEARS OLD

My wife and I have not lived for more than a month (we have lived for 8 years before), the sensations are quite contradictory: sometimes it’s cool to madness, then on the contrary - at least hang yourself. I finally talked to all my friends, women also "consoled me", alcohol ceased to be of interest after the second binge. The "freedom" to which he was striving so much is no longer needed and is not interesting …

The third myth. HE BECOMES AN ENJOYABLE Groom IMMEDIATELY

Whoever initiated the divorce, society believes that a man is now a tidbit for women who want a relationship. But this is not entirely true, or, most likely, it is, but not immediately. Psychotherapist Nikolai Naritsyn describes several stages of women's interest in a divorced man. And these stages depend on how long ago the man divorced.

Stage 1 "THEY DO NOT WANT ME!"

A "freshly bred" man really needs a woman's affection, sympathy, and understanding. He just needs to feel that he can be loved, that he is interesting. But women are in no hurry to embrace him, apart from those who are too simple about sexual relations. But these women, as a rule, are not able to give a man what his soul needs, and not his body. The rest of the fair sex are in no hurry to become "friends", as they understand that now a man needs a "vest" more than his future spouse. Many of them are too categorical: "if he is divorced, then either he is just a scoundrel, or something is wrong in him, if his wife left him herself." Therefore, in the period when a man most needs emotional communication, he is often left alone.

RUSLAN, 27 YEARS OLD

I don't see much freedom outside of marriage. Freedom from whom? In principle, whatever I want, I can still do it. On the contrary, it is good that my beloved woman limits me: from drunkenness, licentiousness, degradation.

Stage 2 "I'M MARRIED!"

Several months pass, the man gets used to the new way of life, finds advantages in it. He no longer needs women so badly, his attitude becomes calmer. But it was then that those around him begin to marry him, considering him unhappy. While he was really unhappy, he was congratulated on freedom, and now, when he came to his senses and wants to live in peace, those around him take on the role of matchmakers and begin to intensively introduce him to women. And the man is afraid of this persistent attack. Women themselves are also becoming more active. This is already a new female environment, and they perceive him as a groom and do not know his ex-wife. And even if he has obvious harmful inclinations, women begin to feel sorry for him: “Oh, this is because he is unhappy! I will understand him, caress him, comfort him, appreciate what she did not appreciate,and everything will be fine … "And there are so many" butterflies "that a man is lost in his choice. He is comfortable: self-esteem has been restored, but many women offer a lot, so he is in no hurry to choose “the one, the only one”. And the women, who cherished the hope of a wedding, but tired of the intractability of the man, leave. And the man just wanted them not to push and rush him.

Stage 3 "I'M READY, WHERE ARE THE BRIDES?"

Finally, a man is ripe to marry again, but there are already fewer candidates for this around: many women simply could not stand it until he was ready. The abundance of women around is not observed, and this at first can cause confusion in a man. But when the choice is small, it is easier to make it. Most likely, the man already knows what kind of woman he is looking for, and enough time has passed since the divorce so as not to choose a “clone wife” with whom the marriage will have the same problems as the first.

See also: Rules for "Sunday" dads and moms

Of course, these are not all the myths associated with how men go through breakup and subsequent divorce. The difference between men and women in the perception of divorce and the associated experiences is rooted not only in the psychological difference between them. Society's expectations for men and women are different. And it cannot be said that women are harder than men, or, on the contrary, men are harder than women. It is hard for both of them, but in different ways. They are connected by the fact that both husband and wife during a divorce experience a strong sense of guilt, and regardless of who was the initiator of the divorce. Responsibility for unsettled relationships lies with both.

• 65% of divorced men remarry within the next five years and are convinced that the first wife was better.
• 29% of divorced men try to get married, even contacting marriage agencies.
• 20% create a new family or a permanent couple only after twenty years.
• 15% get married between 5 and 10 years after divorce.

According to medicus.ru