Re-marriages: Fears And Difficulties. What Are Divorced People Afraid Of? - Relations

If you are a little "over thirty", then you have probably heard more than once, and maybe you yourself have pronounced something similar to "Yes, so that I will at least once! Why did I need it! Never again will I get into this! " - and other forms of oath promises to oneself never to marry again. But after a while, the vast majority of single people are again puzzled by finding a permanent partner. And here they are trapped by specific problems and fears

First experiences

At first, many find it difficult to decide even just a "one-time" new relationship. Because, firstly, it is scary that they will be deceived again, and secondly, you no longer remember what exactly should happen during the courtship period. And you do not remember yourself during this period.

It's funny to say, but for the first time divorced respectable ladies and gentlemen "over thirty" again feel like inexperienced young boys and girls in all respects. It is clear that we are now talking about those who observed marital fidelity.

However, even if during the time of marriage there were some "hikes to the left", it is still hard to compare them with going out on the path of full-fledged socio-sexual competition.

Breaking trust

If the reason for the separation was treason, then the affected party, as a rule, loses the ability to trust and, accordingly, to establish close relationships.

People prone to generalization can spread the experiences caused by the act of a particular person to all members of the opposite sex.

From here, by the way, the legs of the famous "They are all goats!" As a result, such a person may, on the one hand, need intimacy and intimacy, and on the other hand, he may not be able to trust the other and open up to him.

It is the violation of trust that makes a person repeatedly check the feelings of the future partner, subjecting them to new and new "tests"

As a result, the situation sometimes begins to resemble the classic "go there, I don't know where …". By the way, not all even the most promising partners are able to survive such an "initiation". Excuses from the series: “I couldn’t stand it, it means I didn’t really love” in such a situation only serve as confirmation that you are not yet ready for a new relationship.

Exit speed

People with different speeds get out of the previous relationship and "let go of the partner." For some, several months are enough for this, while others may experience parting for more than one year.

I remember how one lady ruined her relationship with her partner by sharing her experiences with the new man about the “ex's” recently held wedding, seeking understanding and support from him. Fortunately for himself, the new gentleman quickly realized what role he was invited to, and without further explanation disappeared into the fog of life.

Transition object

It is important to remember that new successful relationships rarely develop immediately after a breakup. Support and support are vitally necessary for a suffering person, and an early maturing new partner is invited, as a rule, to the role of a “temporary shelter”, “vest” and “rescuer”. This is especially common for those who, at a time of crisis, do not tolerate loneliness.

Usually, people who accidentally come to hand or, on the contrary, old acquaintances who are unrequitedly in love with the "sufferer" are chosen for the role of the rescuer. A catastrophic scenario for the development of such a scenario may involve getting married "out of spite", having common children, and in especially difficult cases, a long dreary coexistence with an unloved person.

For humane reasons, it is desirable, of course, that the person who plays a supporting role understands what kind of game he is involved in, and does not feel illusions about the longevity of such relationships, because in the overwhelming majority of cases they stop as soon as the suffering side recovers enough for independent existence.

Stamp in the passport

Another barrier is the famous “stamp in the passport”. Once, having made sure that he does not guarantee life-long family happiness, many begin to treat him as something optional and naively believe that the new partner shares their skepticism.

Everything would be fine, but I know many examples when it was the long-term non-legalization of relations with a new partner that led to the collapse of good couples. On the other hand, this very “stamp” acquires an additional symbolic meaning, and when they remarry, people are literally afraid of another visit to the registry office, because the marriage procedure itself can cause repeated trauma.

Who needs me like that ?

A separate topic is women's doubts about their own sexual attractiveness, which the abandoned side usually has in abundance. Who else can I like if my man chose another?

Even if there is external bravado, they say, we don't care about everything, we are the most beautiful, then still in the depths of her soul such a lady has a lot of uncertainty and fear. Still would!

Imagine that you, for example, were married at twenty or twenty-five years old and lived together for fifteen years. At best, you have vague memories of the sexual adventures of your student days in your experience, and by and large you have no idea what is going on in the "marriage market" today. And the reflection in the mirror pleases little with stretch marks and cellulite.

In addition, as a rule, there are one or two offspring left to live with the mother, which, in the eyes of the public, do not add to your “marketable appearance”. In general, "I'm standing at the restaurant, it's late to get married, it's early to die"!

Quantity without quality

Let us note from the consulting experience that there are always much more unfounded fears than a real lack of "demand". And if the search for a new partner does not add up, then this does not happen at all for the reasons that others frighten you with.

The fact is that the number of marriages does not always translate into quality, because some people repeatedly use the same pathological "scenario" of choosing a life partner with an almost guaranteed disastrous result.

And there is no mysticism in this - sheer psychology, despite the fact that it was on getting rid of such "scenarios" that a lot of all kinds of magicians, fortune-tellers and psychics became rich.

Simply the biggest mistake is choosing a new partner at thirty-odd, guided by the same criteria and considerations as at twenty, and the same ideas about family life as in distant youth

More optimism

In fact, not everything is so gloomy in terms of repeated opportunities to arrange your personal life. With age, people, on the one hand, become more demanding of a potential partner, "see all the shortcomings", and on the other hand, they begin to be more tolerant of other people's weaknesses.

In addition, caution has its positive aspects - no one is in a hurry. There is an opportunity to take a closer look, try on, think. Some people begin to understand themselves better and what they really need in a relationship. Many, having made a mess, begin to feel freer in a relationship and look with different eyes at what seemed inappropriate in their youth.

So with age, the number of chances to find a suitable companion not only does not decrease, but in some senses increases

What to focus on?

The most difficult thing today is to give any recommendations. On the one hand, specialists of different profiles unanimously admit that the institution of the family is in deep crisis, and on the other hand, thanks to the crisis, the options for what is called and considered a family have significantly expanded. The recipes for family happiness tried by grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers and mothers no longer work.

It seems that the time is coming when you yourself will have to invent everything anew. And this is not so bad. And definitely interesting