Let's Agree On Love! Things To Talk About At The Beginning Of A Relationship - Relations

You can agree on a meeting, a salary increase, a discount, a room with a sea view - and almost everything. But is it possible to agree on love? Let's try!

People are not the same, and love is also different for everyone. That is why relationships do not always work out easily, and sometimes they do not work out at all. There can be many reasons for failure in love. This is the unwillingness of partners to change, and unjustified expectations, and the dissimilarity of interests. But the need for love, inherent in any person, makes them take all new attempts.

With all the diversity of understanding and feeling of love, this feeling also has common properties. The presence or absence of such signs allows us to understand whether the feeling is mutual, or whether it is worth trying your luck with another person. Marina Baskakova, psychologist, gestalt therapist, member of the European Association of Body Psychotherapists (EABP), trainer of the Institute of Thanatotherapy, shared her opinion on the signs of love.

SIGNS OF LOVE

The fact that we are in love or someone else is in love with us is not so difficult to find out. In addition to internal experiences and sensations, which, if desired, can be hidden, there are also external manifestations of feelings. They signal our interest in another person. Let's call them signs of love. The main one is craving for the other, which is observed not only in humans, but also in animals. So, for example, they stretch their noses when they meet dogs, cats and many other animals. A person, too, with his face and body moves towards the object of his interest. Such attraction, according to Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, is an integral part of love, relationships and marriage.

Craving for another person can also be called intention, direction. When she finds a response, feelings arise between people that can develop into full-fledged relationships. But when the movement remains ignored, we can talk about the failure of this heart's intention. Therefore, reciprocity is another important sign of love. In other words, feedback is needed for the implementation of any relationship: romantic, friendly, child-parental, collegial. But ideas of reciprocity may differ, so it would be good for lovers to learn how to negotiate about them.

CONVENTION OF RELATIONS

When people, being in a relationship, want to protect themselves or insure themselves, they conclude marriage contracts, writing down the points who owes whom in which case: cars, apartments, and further down the list. But that is material, but how to agree on the spiritual? When a relationship is just beginning, you want to enjoy it, without thinking about what ideas about love each partner entered into this relationship. And it's worth pondering.

The beginning of a relationship is often based not on love, but on an acute passion, on a strong attraction. Sometimes it is associated with aggression, the desire to seize the object of passion, to take possession of it. At this stage, the behavior of people often resembles the habits of animals, when males and females try to attract the attention of each other. And this requires a lot of strength and energy. Therefore, it is quite clear that there is no talk of any serious agreements, people are keen on hunting, at the moment this is enough for them.

Of course, when this acute love is mutual, some unspoken agreement is nevertheless concluded, but its terms are clarified much later. At the same time, difficulties arise due to different interpretations by partners of the clauses of this agreement.

MUTUALITY IS YOU

The convention on relationships consists in an outburst of passion, when each of the partners sees in the other a certain ideal image, and, in fact, the contract is concluded with him, and not with a real person. Everyone is well aware of the crisis in relationships when the intensity of passions weakens. This is where it becomes clear what everyone actually put into this convention. It was during this period that the partners utter phrases: “I gave myself to you all, but you don’t appreciate it and make me suffer,” “I thought you wanted it too,” etc. At these moments, there is a rough clash of assessments, people feel pain and resentment. It comes to the realization that the person projected his love, made an agreement not with a real partner, but with some alienated object.

A situation arises that fits into the Karpman triangle, a relationship model consisting of three roles: persecutor (aggressor), victim and rescuer. At different times, a person plays one of these roles, interacting with other people. In our example, we see that the victim herself becomes the persecutor, blaming the other for his misfortune, reproaching him and making him responsible for his suffering. And this happens because at the initial stage, the terms of the contract were not transparent, and this led to a conflict. Therefore, when starting a relationship, it is important to make sure that you can count on reciprocity in the exact sense that is close to you.

You need to understand that relationships are, first of all, a process. Any agreement becomes obsolete, and in this sense, a good form of a contract implies its renewal, renegotiation. It is important to find out the opinion of your partner, take into account the changes that are happening to him, inform him about your own transformations, periodically making amendments to your agreement.

RELATIONSHIP PREVENTION

How are relationships built that are flexible rather than well-defined? How to live in this process without resorting to extreme measures? To do this, you need to understand that your partner can change and this is normal. Because we are changing too. And in order for these changes to harmoniously fit into our relations, it is necessary to carry out a kind of prevention. Just like the flu. Get vaccinated in advance so as not to get sick. That is, pay attention to the culture of relationships, develop it and take care of it.

Remember in the beginning we talked about the interest that arises between people, pushing them towards each other? So, this interest needs to be constantly supported and nourished. When people stop asking each other simple questions: "How are you today?", "What's in your soul?" - the agreement is gradually losing its force. In other words, at a certain moment, people begin to believe that they have already learned enough about their partner, and cease to be interested in him, the movement towards each other stops. But it is not so difficult to show such interest.

Imagine a family where the spouses have lived together for more than forty years. They have their own house, economy, many village worries. Their working day begins before dark and ends with the onset of darkness. During the day, they take care of the garden, feed the cattle, prepare food, but every two hours they invariably meet each other, sit on a bench near the house and share their thoughts, concerns, or are simply silent. Their interaction has not stopped for decades, and mutual interest strengthens their relationship from year to year. This is what prevention is about love and marriage.

REALITY CHECK

There is also another way that relationships develop by constantly updating the existing contract. Let's call it a reality check. More often than others, babies resort to it, who constantly remind their mother of themselves. The kid wants to make sure that reality has not changed, his mother is still there, she hears him and is ready to come to his call at any moment.

How can this test be transferred to the plane of romantic relationships? You need to periodically ask yourself and your partner a question about how your ideas, desires, interests now differ from those that existed at the time of the conclusion of your contract. You need to give each other verbal signals, share thoughts, show participation. And do not forget to find out how a loved one lives.

Often, such a check does not take place, people think that they know everything about each other and there is no point in discussing ideas and desires. Only the functional level of communication remains between partners. Feelings supposedly exist by default. Unfortunately, both men and women make this mistake. People are sure not only that they know their partner well, but also that he knows all the thoughts that are in our head. In such a situation, the most important aspect of the relationship escapes: the expression of feelings.

By the way, there are difficulties with the verbal expression of feelings too. We do not always distinguish between what we are talking about and what we really would like to say. If a person feels one thing and says another, then outwardly it looks like the absence of the experience of love, it is distorted, loses its integrity. The integrity of the person himself is also violated, he ceases to be congruent, since his speech does not correspond to his existing ideas. External manifestations are not consistent with internal ones, and sooner or later the partner will notice this. And it will definitely be reflected in the terms of your contract.

As we can see, in relation to romantic and family relationships, there are not only marriage contracts, but also more complex agreements that can be constantly updated. These changes will not become a threat to love if partners take them for granted. When you show interest in your partner, ask him questions, talk about your feelings, discuss important topics, your contract is renegotiated, supplemented with new information. It definitely gets better because it takes into account everything that matters to each of you and to both of you.

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