Why You Shouldn't Be Afraid Of Being Alone. Tips On How To Get Over It - Self-development

Why you shouldn't be afraid of being alone. Society takes our personal space and does not allow us to spend time peacefully alone with ourselves. Constantly on TVs and computers, always chatty radio do not allow to stay in silence. You need to load yourself with information, worries, and vigorous activity at all costs! For most people, silence causes anxiety, a feeling of emptiness that has nothing to fill, they are unable to resist it. Therefore, they avoid it in every possible way

Previously, our childhood was filled with dreams. Today we occupy every free minute of our children with learning, an abundance of consumer goods, thinking that we are helping their process of becoming. But the opposite happens: we make children more dependent. But a child needs time to enjoy loneliness, to explore his inner world and try this inner strength in order to one day separate from his parents. The ability to remain alone teaches us to grow up and know the presence of ourselves. To build your inner world, loneliness is a necessary experience. It makes our life more intense, allows us to explore new resources and be in constant connection with ourselves.

Forced loneliness

When we talk about loneliness, we mean that we were abandoned, forgotten, pushed aside. There are very painful types of loneliness, for example in older people who feel abandoned. It so happens that people are constantly complaining about something, demanding something, and thus create emptiness around them. Such loneliness cuts off from the world and causes melancholy, painful reflections, depression.

Some people face loneliness due to illness, breakup, death of a loved one, or for professional reasons (dismissal, retirement). Fortunately, for all forms of loneliness, be it material, social or psychological, no matter how painful they are, there is a cure, a solution, and a help.

Many people cannot survive such loneliness. They are convinced that by spending a few hours alone with themselves, they take themselves away from others. Therefore, they consider themselves obliged to give themselves entirely. But in most cases, they are driven not by concern for others, but by the fear of being abandoned and forgotten.

For fear of loneliness, many continue to live with their partners in order to feel safe. There are couples who think it's best to do everything together. Such relationships are stifling, especially when one tries to dissolve in another, guessing all his desires. As a result, the partner, tied hand and foot, suffocates under the weight of pseudo-care.

A dolphin cannot live without his companion: “When he is not there, I miss, I cannot do without him, he is my drug, my half. When he leaves for work, I feel anxious, I need to hear him, and I find any excuse to call him."

“I am afraid of emptiness, I am afraid that I will be abandoned, forgotten, rejected, my companion calms me down. In fact, I do not dare to remain in silence, I panic so much that I fill myself with the presence of this person,”Andrey admits.

These two examples are not declarations of love, but declarations of dependence. This is the same as addiction to food, cigarettes, alcohol or work. Love is a choice, not imprisonment. Too stifling intimacy causes indifference or even hatred in a partner. Because of the fear of loneliness, some rush into love affairs, in which they are disappointed. Others seek oblivion in a one-night stand. Everyone in their own way tries to get rid of loneliness, but this need to necessarily be together only exacerbates the feeling of loneliness. So life runs the risk of turning into an insatiable and illusory search for a companion, a father, a lover, a handsome prince who will become a source of happiness. But it is important to understand that the other person will never satisfy our needs, since in most cases we ask him to compensate for what we lacked in childhood.

The fear of loneliness gives rise to attachment, a sense of ownership, the need to manipulate people and control everything. We become an executioner, a victim, a savior or a toy. This chain destroys us as a person. All addictions have one source: avoiding feelings of loneliness. A dependent person cannot be self-sufficient, he always clings to another. The fear of inner emptiness is most often hidden under the mask of dependence. It is because our inner life lacks stability and security that we desperately cling to our environment.

First you need to experience intimacy with yourself. To come face to face with loneliness is to conquer your fears. As long as we cling to others, we continue to live with our fears. This is not about closing in on yourself. No. You need to use this time spent in silence to understand yourself and think about how to get out of the dead end of contradictions. Such a sober analysis will help take the relationship to another level. Real emotional security comes from meeting yourself and listening to your inner world. Loneliness is a state where it is best to answer the questions: what do you expect from others? What are your fears? Why is this desperate pursuit of love and eternal employment needed? What kind of childhood traumas hide behind the exaggerated demands on your partner?

Voluntary loneliness

Loneliness is often viewed as a curse. We forget that it gives a chance for self-realization, gives freedom and widens the door to our inner world.

Loneliness is not always synonymous with anxiety. Rather, it is a transitional phase to hope and rebirth. This loneliness encourages you to be more attentive to your life, strengthens your independence and helps you focus on yourself. Loneliness allows you to achieve the quality of silence, when you can open your inner reserves, developing strength, courage, clarity of mind and endurance. And also the qualities that allow you to live in harmony with yourself without the approval of others, remain open and patient with others and adhere to the chosen direction of your life.

Voluntary loneliness helps us to take responsibility for our lives, to understand our true desires and needs.

To meet with silence, with yourself, to get closer to your deepest essence in order to learn to live with others is a vital necessity. Being alone with yourself, even if there is someone nearby, is the path to inner freedom.

The task of a husband and wife is precisely to live together, while remaining two different people, not one whole and not two halves. It is necessary that everyone has their own personal space, their own room, a place where they could retire. A little distance between two loving people will only keep you wanting and enjoying the meeting.

“We need to secure for ourselves a separate room, in which we will feel free and which will become our main refuge and place of solitude, since the most important thing on earth is the ability to be ourselves,” Montaigne teaches us. And then out of the silence another presence is born, intimate, internal, to which we get free access. To become yourself means to stop holding on to other people.

All spiritual traditions of the East and West emphasize the need for loneliness. It is the beginning of the foundation of the inner world of a person. Those who have had this experience know that loneliness strengthens the spirit. Carl Jung believes that the search for the "Know thyself" principle occurs through withdrawal into oneself. This stage is useful for us and our environment, as it affects interpersonal relationships and affects our entire life. Such solitude can be afforded not only by sages or mystics, but also by any person striving for real life.

Great philosophers and writers, from Pascal to Kierkegaard, including Rousseau and Vigny, insist on the importance of experiencing such solitude. Rousseau encourages to dream, as it gives an opportunity to be alone with oneself: “I feel a wonderful feeling of fulfillment, satisfaction and peace in this calmness. Every day of my life with pleasure reminds me of the previous one, and I do not want anything else for tomorrow. " Nietzsche mentions in his notes the close connection between loneliness and love and creativity. He sees it as a recovery from various diseases of life and glorifies it as a virtue in his works. “Oh, loneliness! You are my fatherland, loneliness! " - exclaims the prophet Zarathustra. To create a work, loneliness is necessary, it opens doors to imagination. Any creator, philosopher, writer, musician or artist needs solitude. In it he draws his creative powers. Any reflection, search for the right phrase presupposes and requires silence and solitude in order to discover new possibilities in oneself.

Sometimes illnesses, losses, breakdowns of relationships lead to this. Then we notice that we draw strength from such introspection. The ability to accept loneliness as a friend makes us stronger, freer in the face of difficulties. This time of solitude helps us to become aware of our presence. When we feel a presence in ourselves, we are no longer afraid of silence, loneliness and feel fulfilled. This sense of self allows you to better perceive others and the world around you.

“To experience inner freedom means to free oneself from any expectation and all our fears,” writes Mathieu Ricard (Biochemist, Buddhist monk, author of The Habit of Happiness, 2003). In everyday life, this new freedom more opens us up to others and allows us to enjoy the simplicity of the present moment, freeing ourselves from the past, without thinking about the future. We can easily laugh with people we value and not get emotionally attached to them. Thus, reborn and liberated, we become more creative in our activities and have more pleasure. We can change loneliness anxiety by taming it. To do this, you need to agree to solitude in order to accept your fears, understand them and overcome them.

And then loneliness is experienced as an opportunity for in-depth study, an almost metaphysical discovery of one's essence, both lost and in touch. Life has everything we need to enlighten us, but we do not waste time turning on the light, the sages tell us.

Learn to recognize the need for loneliness, not only your own, but also our environment. Give yourself moments when everyone respects the silence and space of the other, so that the meeting becomes even more beautiful. Learn to transform anxious loneliness into a tamed, comfortable retreat when you are quietly alone with yourself.

Tips for Better Loneliness

If loneliness is too painful:

• Maintain interpersonal relationships and create new ones. Set clear goals for yourself, for example: to start engaging in social, cultural, sports activities. Community service where you help others will make you feel needed. You will receive satisfaction and self-worth. Giving is also receiving, helping others is a wonderful school of relationships and love.
• Take an interest in the events taking place in your city.
• Discover a new pastime: research all the proposals that interest you, travel, go to group readings. The strongest friendships are usually struck between people who share the same interests.
• Develop your intelligence: go with friends to galleries, museums, exhibitions, read specialized publications, sign up for courses.
• Make contacts on the Internet, look for new acquaintances. Communicate with loved ones in messengers - this will allow you to always be in touch.
• Establish relationships so that you can spend time in pleasant company. Reconnect with those with whom you used to communicate well: colleagues, friends, distant relatives. We often wait for initiative from other people. Manifest it yourself, take the first step.
• Sit on the café terrace and watch the people around you.
• Stimulate your curiosity, it mobilizes the mind and helps us make new acquaintances.
• Keep a diary.

To open up to the loneliness that will lead to meeting yourself:

• Be mindful of your lifestyle. Conscious actions include being present in relation to yourself.
• Relax the rhythm of your life. Don't turn into a workaholic, pay more attention to leisure, pleasure, entertainment.
• There should be rest breaks in your schedule: a break to sit in silence, have tea, or just look around. This pleasure is always available to us.
• Set aside a few minutes a day for exercise. They will help relieve stress and give the body and mind a saving moment.
• Be attentive to your inner state: listen to breathing inside the abdomen and pleasant sensations, to your movements and the taste of dishes. Be attentive to yourself, life, your environment, the beauty of nature, your senses. This way you will begin to hear the ticking of the clock and the singing of birds even in the midst of city noise. Listen to music, its vibrations, look around, take time for yourself to dream. To see a piece of blue sky even through the clouds, enjoy the silence of a warm summer night, take a walk outside the city, recuperate in the atmosphere of a monastery, dive into a relaxing bath … You can choose any method according to your desire and mood.

Taking time for yourself, creating rituals, changing habits, listening to your intuition and opening up to new ideas will help you calm down the rhythm of life. Sophrology just teaches you to develop your inner world. In our hectic life, we are so disconnected from our body that it is difficult for us to feel it. The endless race atrophies our senses. “Life opens only to those whose feelings do not sleep, because feelings give meaning to life,” writes Christian Singer (Singer K. Les Ages de la vie (The Ages of Life), Albin Michel, 1990).

Improving the quality of life through correct postures, deep measured breathing, we give rest to the brain, concentrate on ourselves, develop inner behavior without judgments, letting thoughts flow calmly, without paying attention to them, we come to a state of acceptance of what is. Opening up to yourself means finding balance, improving the quality of sensations. This special state of consciousness can change behavior, strengthen will and wisdom. It helps us become more aware of the reactions we are learning to control. Thus, we begin to give ourselves what we expect from others.

This takes us to another level, where we feel a huge surge of energy. It is this “calm” mental power that gives us access to a state of serenity and comfort, and also allows us to resist the aggression and hardships of everyday life.

Practice

1. Silent pause

This exercise, which can be done anywhere: on public transport, in the waiting room, in line, or even in the office, will do you more benefit than a coffee break. It increases the level of natural energy.

● Sitting with a straight back, look at one point directly in front of you (at a book, any object), not looking at it too much. Yogis call this technique "looking without seeing." Be attentive to what is happening within you, to the quality of the breath.

● Breathe calmly and steadily, then relax your jaws, shoulders, and pelvis.

● Relax with each inhalation and utter the word "rest" as you exhale.

● Feel serenity overwhelming you. When thoughts begin to wander, direct them back to the breath. Remain in this state of stillness for a few minutes, enjoying the quality of silence. Do this exercise as often as possible.

2. Feel the strength in yourself

● Sit comfortably with your eyes closed. Breathe deeply and relax your entire body. Continue to breathe and relax completely.

● As you relax, concentrate on your heart. Imagine that this is a resting place within you. This is the deepest part of your being. Relax longer in this place.

● Starting with your heart, ask the energy to circulate through your body.

● Feel the energy in your body and realize that you can direct this stream of light towards others.

3. Walking in silence

This exercise will take about 20 minutes to complete.

● Choose a location: If you are not outdoors, you can do this exercise in your apartment.

● Start walking slowly, paying special attention to each step you take.

● Then relax your neck, face, arms.

● Inhale, then place your foot; exhale slowly, put the other leg. Feel the balance of your body as you walk.

● Then sit down, imagining that you are looking inward. Concentrate fully on the breath and immerse yourself in the here and now state.

● Breathe calmly and evenly without straining, listening to your breathing become more calm.

Fragment of the book “Reconcile body and soul. Body practices for a life free of disease and stress. " Michelle Freud. - Moscow: Publishing house "Bombora", 2020.