Abuser-victim Phrasebook. How To Understand And Neutralize An Abuser - Relations

The popular word "abusive" (abusive relationships) very succinctly refers to violence in the broadest sense of the word. Psychological, physical, financial - together, separately and in different combinations. The problem is that each of us has to deal with abusers in one way or another. The abuser can harass for years. Those who are abused do not notice that they live according to the rules imposed by the aggressor, losing the quality of their life. A toxic relationship with an abuser can take its toll on the psyche, regardless of whether you are able to end it or not.

Violence without proof and moral pressure lead to emotional exhaustion and mental instability

Can you protect yourself? Is there a "manual" for protection against abusers?

Diagnosing a relationship

Loss of self-esteem, depression, low self-esteem, lack of confidence in your thoughts and actions, a feeling of helplessness - these feelings can literally scream that you are susceptible to an abuser attack. The consequences of such a relationship are rightly compared to post-traumatic stress. And you shouldn't look for an evil character in your environment with an "aggressor" written on his face. It may well be a kind grandmother, a younger sister (with relatives, a particularly exquisite scheme), a fair teacher or a childhood friend.

The script for the abuser is about the same. First, they trust you, cause sincere sympathy and involvement in relationships. If this is a love story, a close relationship is established, a family is created. If a friendly format - at first you feel a shoulder and powerful support and wonder how such a wonderful friend has not met you before. With close relatives, at a conscious age, you already understand that something is wrong. Childhood trauma sessions with a psychotherapist are very common stories of family abuse.

Abuser's Phrasebook. Phrases-ciphers

After the abuser has come to trust you and become a significant character in your life, all the fun begins. Criticism, humiliation, blaming the victim for any oversight under the guise of "only I will tell you the truth" - this is what feeds the abuser vampire. If in any of your conflicts (remember that a periodic conflict is a normal part of any relationship) YOU are always to blame, then this is a reason to think.

“There was no word“abuser”in my vocabulary, and to be honest, I laughed at those who use it. What is incomprehensible here: violence - quarrels, conflicts and God forbid assault, everything is transparent and there is nothing to use borrowed words. The fact that in front of me is a textbook abuser with narcissistic syndrome, I guessed just a few months before the denouement. When I was no longer in the best emotional shape. I justified my tormentor qualitatively: this is the reckoning for my sins, and "samaduravinovat", and the need to endure for the sake of love. Then psychosomatics turned on. Uncontrolled headaches, disturbed sleep, spoiled eating behavior and, as a result, excess weight. And then they asked me: who are you fighting with? You look like you lost the battle long ago. And I started to wake up …"

So, the popular scientific dictionary of the abuser includes several thematic sections.

1. Depreciation

• I would have your problems.
• Is it difficult?
• Others are even worse, do not whine.

All these phrases you heard mean one thing: absolutely nobody cares about your feelings.

2. Pressure with age

• Not matured yet!
• What are you like in kindergarten.
• Others at your age are already …

A classic case of toxic parent-child relationships.

3. Feelings of guilt

One of the main trump cards of the abuser.

• I gave you my best years.
• My heart hurts because of you.
• Shame on you.
• A good friend would help.

Remember that anything that can generate guilt is good for manipulation.

4. Gaslighting

No, you are not crazy, you are being manipulated.

• You forgot, I said this many times.
• You're confusing everything, let me tell you how it should be.
• You are acting strange and disturbing me.

Gaslighting is scary. A person who is systematically accused of psychological failure can really go into a state of mental disorder.

5. Criticism

Do you have such a close friend who always tells you the truth and is very proud of it (in front of you)? Careful, this may not be a friend at all.

• No offense, but …
• You cannot objectively pull with your experience.
• You are always offended for no reason.
• You don't know how to take criticism.

Run.

6. Bullying

• You can't hear when I'm not yelling.
• You will find yourself on the panel!
• I'm still stronger.
• You don't deserve all this.
• Soon 30, the clock is ticking.

Intimidation helps to maintain control and paint a picture of the victim's hopeless future.

7. Passive aggression and projection

• You've lost so much weight, aren't you sick?
• I could have understood it myself.
• Do you understand whose fault it happened?
• No, it doesn't matter, everything is fine, just …
• You did it despite your education.

With the help of passive aggression, the abuser suppresses any manifestation of your anger.

In addition to classic phrases, an abuser can be recognized by a complete lack of empathy. Where there should be mutual support, you feel anxious. Control is presented under the guise of care. For example, calls every hour, tracking messages and locations. And with a real problem, instead of support, you get something classic, like "I said" or "nothing surprising."

How to resist. The victim's phrasebook

In an abusive situation, it is difficult to accept the fact that something is wrong. There is common sense and logic in the actions and words of the abuser. Everything seems to be correct and fair, only after communication you each time more and more feel devastation, anxiety. You are afraid to say or do something wrong. Gradually, the abuser drives his victim into a state of isolation. Dissatisfaction with communication with friends or colleagues, pathological jealousy. The victim simply has no one to consult with, even if she feels pathology.

You cannot:

• Argue. Resentment and resentment (yours) is growing. You are emotionally involved and not aggressive - alas, you will fail.
• Try to calm him down. Such an attempt would be read as weakness and a new opportunity to subdue.
• Make excuses. Extensive explanations of innocence and excuses only encourage the abuser. He understands that his opinion is extremely important to you.
• Asking for understanding. You want to be heard. The abuser is not interested in facts at all, he wants to be in charge.

All methods of dealing with the abuser, which are deliberate, and not reflexive, are effective. Explore the topic of emotional abuse, learn about codependency. Seek support: psychotherapy, groups: in this situation it is not a luxury, but a necessity. Try to learn not to react right away. Trust your perception. If you feel bad and it seems that the situation is unhealthy, you don’t think. Start manifesting your "I".

Learn to speak:

• I don’t want to listen to you anymore.
• Don't you dare raise your voice at me.
• What I am saying is not funny.
• If you have nothing to say about the case, I am not interested in your opinion.
• I do not want.
• Look me in the eyes, don't go away from the answer.
• No, we'll meet now.

Only a hard and straightforward approach can illustrate to the abuser that he is no longer a victim. You need to speak firmly, confidently and clearly defending your position. When the abuser realizes that he is facing a serious opponent of his actions, he passes. And you have the opportunity to build your defense even better.