What Happens When A Son Grows Up Without A Father. Male Look - Society

Often, clients whose husband left her, forced to raise a child alone, try to convince me that a man is not particularly needed to raise a child. If he pays alimony, then, they say, okay. And when I ask how you are raising your son, they answer me something like: "He should not hide emotions, he should not get involved in stories and fights, he should not need anything …". Now, times are different, and the stories that a man must correspond to something there are a thing of the past.

And then I ask: "But when you were a girl, what kind of man did you dream of?" There is usually a long silence after that.

And according to polls, for example, according to the one conducted by the company "Start Marketing" in 2013, the most important qualities of a man in the eyes of women are " determination and firmness of character " and "the ability to earn a lot."

Where do “masculine qualities” come from in a man?

Precisely from the father, who serves as an example of a man for him in childhood, creating a "father's image" inside. It is not necessary that the father himself was physically present during the upbringing. An example is the post-war generation of fatherlessness, which has become, by and large, a generation of successful people. Precisely because they believed that their hero father, who laid down his head on the battlefields and defeated the enemy, defended the Motherland. In this context, the stories that are told to mothers about the "fathers-cosmonauts" when he is in prison do not seem so stupid anymore.

Unfortunately, the majority of divorces in our country are accompanied by a mass of negative emotions, some of which, albeit unconsciously, spill over into the child. Sometimes and deliberately, the mother says to her son, hugging him: "And your dad is a goat, he left us." Or even worse: "You are my best man." If dad told his daughter that she was his “best woman”, what would the people around him think? However, sometimes the mother begins to throw out all her negativity on her son, thus taking revenge on him for the actions of his father, which is no better.

That is, the child considers his father a traitor, is angry with him, blames him. And, therefore, he is angry and blames the male for himself. Denies his masculinity forever.

What does this lead to when a son grows up without a father?

To the lack of that very "determination and firmness of character", the inability to set goals and achieve them, to fight for their interests. And this applies not only to street fights, but also to the fight against all obstacles. Externally, in career and business. And this is the very "ability to earn". And internal. With their fears, doubts that everyone has. It may also lack the ability to focus, the inner discipline, which are necessary in achieving truly important goals. Not knowing how to be a man, he can change his gender role, becoming henpecked or worse. Or, not being able to take responsibility, he may run away from the family when a child appears. And history will repeat itself in another generation.

What can mom do?

First of all, to understand that only a man can make a man out of a boy. Try to make peace with your father. Not in order to return the relationship, but for the father to be present in the life of the son. I understand that it can be very difficult and painful. But for a child, any mother is ready to make sacrifices.

Including if the father does not want or cannot meet. Try to create a positive father image in your son. I also understand everything … But it's not just that a woman lived with a man and gave birth to him, because there was at least something good in him and in the relationship. An attempt to replace the boy's father with another uncle, if the child is not quite small, also usually does not lead to anything good.

Try to have men in the boy's life, as an image for him to become a man. Maybe an uncle or grandfather can take over this function. Some kind of "male" sport and a good coach is possible. Or a section with a “male” lesson and a teacher.

What can a son do himself?

Sometimes a person realizes this problem already in adulthood. And you have to do something yourself.

Try to build relationships with your father. And, not necessarily, in reality. The main thing is to do it in yourself. You can learn more about his life. Find something for which he can be respected. Understand the reasons why he did this and come to terms with it.

Imagine what kind of man he himself wants to become. Find a mentor, teacher, coach, examples of what such a man can be, and try to adopt the qualities from them.

Try to find your Business, your Path. And move along it, overcoming barriers, internal and external, failing, but eventually coming to success. It is this that increases confidence, gives strength, that very "determination and firmness of character", making a man out of a boy.