Three In The Mind. Let's Talk About A Love Triangle - Relations

Misha, Natasha, Lena, Oleg … All of them are in love triangles. Even if the triangle is not obvious, even if they themselves do not want to admit it.

Natasha constantly falls in love with married men. Sometimes they reciprocate her. True, they are in no hurry to leave the family.

Misha considers himself a good family man. He cheats on his wife only on business trips. These are always casual relationships, rarely more than two meetings with the same woman. Therefore, Misha is convinced that he is a faithful husband.

Lena has been married for almost ten years. For seven years of them, she has been dating Oleg - of course, secretly from her husband. At the same time, Lena is happy with her marriage and does not even think about divorce. Just as he cannot imagine his life without Oleg.

Oleg was very in love, but his girlfriend left for another. Several years have passed since then, Oleg made a career, got married, but all his "exploits" are dedicated to that ex-girlfriend: "Let him know that she has lost!" Until now, he compares his wife to her …

Nothing ages a man like living with the same woman

Norman Douglas

WHERE IS THE INVESTMENT GOING TO

We humans are twin creatures. You don't have to go far for proof: only two people are involved in childbirth. Ideally, a love relationship is a so-called "dyad". It is a system of two elements, between which there is an exchange at various levels: emotional, informational, energetic, bodily. A love triangle occurs when an investment that should have been directed to a partner is directed to someone outside. This is how the third element is included in the system. And it doesn't matter whether positive investments are made in it (idealization of a lover or mistress, love, admiration) or negative (the ability to “drain the negative” that has accumulated in marriage). In any case, it is something that is withdrawn from the dyad, from contact with the main partner.

All the elements of the love triangle are connected with each other: as you know from school geometry textbooks, all the vertices of the triangle are interconnected by segments. It's just that human relationships are more complicated than geometry, and connections in a love triangle are not always obvious. But unconsciously they are still felt. The partner secretly guesses about the presence of an "extraneous element", but often closes his eyes to his guesses … Not knowing is sometimes more convenient. With an "unobvious connection", for example, the wife and mistress may be unfamiliar and not even guess about each other. But in fact, they are connected with each other by love relationships with one man, which means that they are in a state of competition, just hidden among themselves. In our example, a man is in a love affair with two partners (it does not matter who he considers "most beloved"). This means that he cannot be fully present in any of these connections. It is forced to split, just as the riverbed, dividing into two streams, will no longer be as full-flowing as before. In a love triangle, it is impossible to transfer investments to a partner in full.

HOBBIES TO HELP

In geometry, triangles are different. They are different in love. Speaking about the fact that a “third extra” appeared in a pair, we first of all mean a person. But modern technologies dictate a different fashion, charming men with the delights of computer games. Yes, it is the computer that often becomes the main character of modern love triangles, replacing many other interests of the stronger sex. What should women do? There are many options: to have an active rest, add variety to your sex life, or come up with a new hobby. You can even play a computer. The main thing is to do it all together!

CHUTE FOR THE LAME

A love triangle is always an unhealthy construct. He points out a problem in the relationship. If everything goes well in the dyad, the third element will not be required, and simply cannot be integrated into this system. “You can seduce a man who has a wife. You can seduce a man who has a mistress. But you cannot seduce a man who has a beloved woman”(Omar Khayyam). Cheating occurs when something goes wrong in a couple. Then the triangle allows you to restore balance - it is needed like a crutch for a lame-footed person. And this happens for two reasons:

1. If something is missing in a pair, then one of the partners begins to get it on the side. And he himself does not always understand what exactly. Cheating is often attributed to sexual dissatisfaction in marriage, but in reality it is a myth, a cover. And the connection on the side of men is most often pushed by … lack of respect! A man can forgive if a woman does not love him. But he will never forgive if the woman does not respect him … Lack of recognition of his dignity, power, authority in the family pushes the man to where he gets it. Admiration is the mistress's trump card.

And for a woman, recognition of her attractiveness and emotional connection are important. Lack of attention pushes a woman into the arms of the one who will give this attention.

2. There is no place in a pair to place something important. Most often these are certain experiences, a state. And first of all - anger, which cannot be presented to a partner: what if he rejects? Then these experiences begin to be transmitted to a foreign object, it is included in the relationship as a third element and balances the system.

A man who cannot be openly angry with his wife can begin to practice “hard sex” or anal sex on the side (this is an act of dominance, not love, first of all). The mistress at this moment acts as a substitute for the wife. And if a man on the side often practices physical violence, then a woman - psychological. So, Lilya Brik was not a completely happy wife: Osip Brik loved her less than she would have liked. Even in her youth, she tried to commit suicide because of his coldness. And soon Vladimir Mayakovsky appeared in their lives - Lilya made him her lover and became not only a muse, but also a tormentor. She deliberately inflicted suffering, rationalizing this sadistic act by the fact that experiences give the poet inspiration.

WHO IS THE FIRST BEGINNING?

Love triangles are overt and hidden, primary and secondary.

Explicit triangle,

in accordance with its name, it is quite manifest and obvious. The love connection on the side is really present (even if it is hidden).

Hidden triangle

it is more difficult to identify: not a real, but a symbolic connection is built with the third element. It can be a partner from the past with whom an internal connection is maintained. Investments are still directed towards him, be it love or hate. And the focus of attention from the present, from real relationships, shifts to the past.

It can also be a distant idealized object: an actor, a singer, and so on. For example, a girl, closing her eyes, imagines her idol during sex - he is invisibly present, competing with her partner.

Or, as a third element, an object that is taboos for a real connection is involved, with which a priori there can be no sex. For example, a relative: some couples include children in their relationship. The mother receives the missing attention and warmth from the son, the father from the daughter - admiration. In psychoanalysis, this is called "incestism" - there is no physical incest, but there is psychological …

The secondary triangle is formed reactively - as a response to the primary triangle. So often the explicit triangle is actually secondary, and the hidden triangle was the primary. In order not to get confused, let's give an example of a common case.

There is a hidden crack in the relationship of the spouses, they have moved away. After the birth of a child, the wife concentrates too much on him, forgetting about her husband. This happens more often when a boy is born. The child gives her the missing warmth and attention, the mother for him is the center of the Universe, woman number one. The rift between the spouses is widening, but they still do not clarify the relationship. A hidden triangle formed: husband-wife-child. The husband turns out to be deprived of attention: the wife no longer admires him, but the "first teeth", and even generally the "poop" of the child. Let us emphasize: the trouble with this family is not that the wife loves the child, but that she forgets about her husband. Her maternal love became competitive for partner love, which should not normally be. And then the husband starts an affair on the side: there he is welcomed, recognized, admired … An obvious triangle has formed: wife-husband-mistress. But this is just a consequence of the previous triangle. The husband-wife-child triangle is primary, and the wife-husband-lover is secondary.

EXPERT OPINION

GEOMETRY OF RELATIONS

A really love triangle arises in those couples where one of the partners is dissatisfied with some aspect of the relationship. The lover in such cases is called upon to compensate for the lack of sexual diversity, support, tenderness, or even home comfort. As a rule, this happens at a time when the family or couple is experiencing a crisis in the relationship. One of the partners closes in on himself, ignoring the fact of changes in life. The other half may experience such behavior as rejection, experiencing resentment, anger and despair. As a result, the dissatisfied partner finds what is missing in the other person. The triangle steals the energy of the dyad, but sometimes, on the contrary, it returns it. Then there is a possibility that happiness is impossible without a “third”. At this point, it is important to ask the question:what am I missing? Then there is a chance to find an alternative solution to maintain the relationship in a couple.

Alexandra GULENKOVA, psychologist, master of psychological sciences, gestalt therapist

What is tempting triangle

The third element balances the relationship, making it possible not to clarify them, not to solve the real problem. Yes, the love triangle is associated with certain problems, but they are just a cover for the true problem that gave rise to this triangle. For example, it is easier for a husband to repent after discovering infidelity than to admit that he got married out of mercantile interest. Or it is easier for a wife to hide her lover than to tell her husband about her resentment.

What is dangerous

It does not provide an opportunity to clarify relations, which means that development is impossible, transition to a deeper level of psychological intimacy is impossible …

The triangle is tightening. It can be stable and last for years. But this is an illusion of stability …

FROM TRIAD TO DIAD

What if you are caught in a love triangle? First, clarify: what is really going on in the relationship? What is being hushed up? Call your partner for a direct conversation. Do not make a claim - the partner will begin to defend himself, and a constructive dialogue will fail. And try to understand together: how did you find yourself in such a situation?

Each of the triangle elements is responsible for its formation. It is important to understand your part of the responsibility.

Once the true problem at the heart of the triangle is identified, it becomes easier to decide what to do next? Staying in the triangle, choosing it as the lesser evil, the easiest way? Or is it still to solve the real problem? If this succeeds, the triangle will be unnecessary. And your relationship with your partner will either become paired again, or the unhealthy relationship will end and the opportunity for a new, more prosperous union will open.