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Video: How To Remove A Person From Your Heart - Relations
In my practice, I often come across situations where a person cannot build a relationship because his heart is already taken. "Unhappy love", a relationship interrupted at the peak, sometimes it even seems that his life would be different if then "everything worked out." A person wants to forget everything, to tear these memories out of his heart, but they torment him again and again.
This state of affairs causes a complex and strong gamut of feelings, resentment, sometimes anger and hatred, sometimes guilt. And all of these emotions are anchors that further tie memories to the subconscious.
How not to do
One of my clients used the "Let's go to … Katya" technique. He repeated this phrase every morning for months. And it seemed to him that it became easier. However, judging by the fact that since then he has not created a relationship, he is not doing very well. And further psychological work clearly showed this.
The only way is to understand the position of this person, his actions. Ideally, thanks to him for being in life. And then a person either "leaves the heart", or even can become a powerful resource. It can be very difficult, however, here are some options for working out.
1. What was good?
A client told me about "the best woman in his life," but she dumped him without explanation when he was about to propose. And she did it in a rather painful way for him, having given birth to a child from another man. His pain and resentment are understandable.
First, however, we tried to focus on what was good:
- He still had such a woman. Which proves in general the very possibility of the future. Many did not have this either.
- The relationship could have developed in an even worse scenario.
- After this woman, he had many other women (for men, this is an argument).
- As it turned out, after parting, he did and achieved a lot that otherwise he might not have done.
2. Why did he / she do this?
Often people do this not because they want to, but because they cannot do otherwise, they were made that way, brought up. And very often the roots lie in the relationship with the parents.
So, in the case of this client, his "best" was abandoned by his father as a child. Which, most likely, gave rise to mistrust and anger towards men in her, provoking such behavior. To take the position of a person, to try to understand the reasons for his actions, to feel his pain, this means to radically change the attitude towards what is happening. Get out of the abuser-victim relationship, understand that you are both victims, which leads to acceptance and reconciliation.
In another case from practice - with a client with a similar request - it turned out that the man who had abandoned her was tyrannized for many years by a tough and strong-willed mother, which influenced his relations with women. And it was the acceptance of this, his pain, that led her to release. The healing phrase for her was: "I feel sorry for him."
How to do it?
First option. When a person is remembered, do not try to drive the memories into the depths, but imagine him, expressing inside how it hurts you from what happened, but saying: “I know you had a reason to do this, and it probably hurts you too. I'm sorry for what happened, but I'm sorry for you too. " Even if you do not know about the reasons, you can say:
- "I will never know about the reasons for your actions, but I know that they are."
- "I ask you to leave my heart."
- Perhaps in the end you will be able to say: "I am grateful to you that you were in my life."
Second option. If you can't speak inside your consciousness, then you can use a technique from Gestalt therapy called "empty chair".
Place two chairs opposite each other. Sit on one of them, try to imagine the person on the other. And tell him everything you think and feel. After speaking, get up, you can close your eyes for a while, switch and sit on the second one. Imagining that you are him. And try to tell "yourself" from his position what you think. This usually opens up a lot of new things that you could not think of. Then sit back in the same way. It may need to be repeated several times, but this usually leads to the desired results.
And now, with an open mind, you are ready for a new, healthy and happy relationship.