Fear Of Attachment Wears Masks: "hunter", "princess", "mason" - Relationships, Self-development

I would like to introduce you to some of the manifestations of philophobia using examples of typical relationships in which at least one of the partners is afraid of attachment.

Philophobia is the fear of falling in love or having affection for another person. For a person with philophobia, there is a great risk of being emotionally attached to someone or being in love. Usually occurs when a person is faced with any emotional upheaval associated with love, but it can also be a chronic phobia.

There is an opinion among some experts that the filophobe's partner will inevitably demonstrate the same fear - otherwise he would have chosen another person for close relationships. I do not share this point of view … Since the fear of attachment dresses in different clothes, the following three examples are only a small fraction of the whole variety of options, but they clearly show the essence of the problem underlying the phenomenon.

"Hunter": I want to catch you by all means - until I catch you

In fact, Peter was not at all to Sonya's taste. They met at a party, it was nice to talk to, but Sonya did not feel any interest in Peter. Two days later, he called, said that he had been invited to the opening of the bar, and asked if Sonya would like to keep him company.

She found the invitation interesting - especially since a bar with a stage was opening and other acquaintances were clearly going to attend the event - and immediately agreed. The evening was a success. Peter showed a visible interest in Sonya, but did not harass her. He did not sit next to him like a sewn one, but communicated with friends, came up to talk with one or the other.

Peter was cheerful and cheerful, it was comfortable with him. A couple of days later, he invited Sonya to a chic restaurant, and she agreed. At the same time, she was a little nervous, because she did not want to give false hope, but, on the other hand, the invitation flattered her, so Sonya answered “yes”. In the restaurant, Peter flirted again, and Sonya made cautious hints that her reciprocity would not spread beyond friendly relations. However, it seemed that Peter was not at all hurt - his good mood did not change, he continued to flirt. After the evening at the restaurant, Peter began to call Sonya even more often and invite her on dates. It was difficult to refuse his offers - Peter worked as a chef in a restaurant with a Michelin star, he had many acquaintances in this field, he was often invited to wine tastings and other culinary events. Thanks to his knowledge of food and wine, every trip to the restaurant was a great pleasure for Sonya. Meetings with Peter have always been particularly chic, although it was not so easy to arrange them because of his difficult work schedule. What Sonia was especially impressed with was that Peter never got offended if she didn't have time for a date, and also never looked insulted that she rejected his attempts to get closer. Sonya felt light and confident, and then one evening, after a glass of wine in her apartment, Peter did not hear a refusal. She and Sonya had a wonderful night. The next day Sonya felt peace and warmth and felt a little in love. Over the next few weeks, he and Peter saw each other more often, although not daily. Sonya was still arguing with herself if this was the person she needed. In some respects, Peter did not at all correspond to her preferences, and she doubted that everything would be as good in the future, which is why she did not make any statements about the possibility of a joint future. It seemed that this did not bother Peter at all, he in no way tied Sonya to himself.

Then for the first time they went to a small romantic town for the weekend, where they had a wonderful time, and Sonya put aside her last doubts. After the weekend, it became clear to her that she was truly in love with Peter and could imagine a long-term relationship with him. Now Sonya also called Peter, she missed him more and more and wanted to see him more often than before. Peter had less and less free time: “Now there are a lot of things to do in the restaurant; we have a wedding banquet; corporate party; no, on a free evening I have to be at a wine tasting, which, unfortunately, is held in a purely male company; I'm sorry … "- in a word," I'll call you tomorrow. " Peter now saw Sonya less and less and suddenly became as unreliable as he had never been before. Sonya suffered. She missed, she was in love. What happened? She discussed the problem with her friends:“Once he said this and that, but he did this and that … and I said that and did that … Do you think he is in love or is he not?.. And how would you understand such a situation?..”And so on. Sonia was tormented by doubts, and one evening, when Peter finally had time, she asked what he wanted from her and how he saw their relationship in the future. Peter poured a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I'm in the restaurant from morning till night … I somehow haven't thought about it yet … Oh, it's always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don't call … Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him.but I did this and that … and I said that and did that … Do you think he is in love or not?.. How would you understand this situation?.. " etc. Sonia was tormented by doubts, and one evening, when Peter finally had time, she asked what he wanted from her and how he saw their relationship in the future. Peter poured a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I'm in the restaurant from morning till night … I somehow haven't thought about it yet … Oh, it's always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don't call … Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him.but I did this and that … and I said that and did that … Do you think he is in love or not?.. How would you understand this situation?.. " etc. Sonia was tormented by doubts, and one evening, when Peter finally had time, she asked what he wanted from her and how he saw their relationship in the future. Peter poured out a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I’m in the restaurant from morning till night… I somehow didn’t think about it yet… Oh, it’s always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don’t call… Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him…. How would you understand this situation?..”And so on. Sonia was tormented by doubts, and one evening, when Peter finally had time, she asked what he wanted from her and how he saw their relationship in the future. Peter poured a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I'm in the restaurant from morning till night … I somehow haven't thought about it yet … Oh, it's always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don't call … Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him…. How would you understand this situation?..”And so on. Sonia was tormented by doubts, and one evening, when Peter finally had time, she asked what he wanted from her and how he saw their relationship in the future. Peter poured a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I'm in the restaurant from morning till night … I somehow haven't thought about it yet … Oh, it's always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don't call … Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him.what he wants from her and how he sees their relationship in the future. Peter poured a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I'm in the restaurant from morning till night … I somehow haven't thought about it yet … Oh, it's always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don't call … Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him.what he wants from her and how he sees their relationship in the future. Peter poured out a bunch of excuses on her: “Yes, I’m in the restaurant from morning till night… I somehow didn’t think about it yet… Oh, it’s always so great with you, I also often think about you, even if I don’t call… Give me a little more time … Let's just continue to meet freely …”After this conversation Sonya walked home in complete confusion. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him. What exactly did he say? She broke her head, trying to summarize all the words Peter said and understand what was going on inside him.

What happened? The fact is that Peter belongs to the type of phylophobes whom I call classic "hunters", and, let's face it, this behavior is not only typical of men

The Hunters are extremely active on the personal front. Their life is literally teeming with numerous connections and intrigues. Some have one or even several marriages behind them. First of all, the "hunter" is interested in hunting itself. At the stage of conquest or in the initial stage of a relationship, he is virtually invincible. His typical traits are charm, courtesy, and extremely low vulnerability. This is what Sonya liked so much in Petra - he never took offense at refusals. Indeed, "hunters" usually pay little attention to rejections if they see an opportunity to reach their goal a little later. On the contrary, a small tactical retreat only boosts their morale. And the unequivocal refusal does not bother them too much - after all, "other mothers also have wonderful daughters or sons." So, let a new game begin, it will definitely be successful!Hunters are surprisingly patient when it comes to pursuing their goal. As a result, the “game” has the deceptive impression that the “hunter” is really serious about it. In most cases, the “game” does not see, which is just “prey” - “hunters”, as a rule, are good actors and act skillfully.

The story of Sonya and Peter's relationship is typical: when the hunt is over, the "hunter" loses interest in her. This usually happens at the moment when the "hunter" feels that the "game" begins to seriously think about the relationship. Then he has the feeling "Now you are definitely mine." But it happens that such a game continues for many years - for example, if the one whom the "hunter" looks after is himself afraid of affection.

"Princess": Nobody deserves me

Rita and Thomas fell in love at first sight. They first met in a supermarket - and literally glared at each other. When Rita saw Thomas in line at the checkout, her heart pounded. She went over and gave him her phone number. The next evening, their first date took place, and they soon became a couple. Rita was head over heels in love. She called the meeting with Thomas "fateful" and was absolutely sure that she had finally found her soul mate. Thomas felt the same way. Several turbulent months passed in this way. However, as soon as the first feeling of falling in love disappeared, much in Thomas began to irritate Rita. She often noticed that the items of his wardrobe did not match with each other, and when he told something, he did it as if he did not have the intelligence to speak briefly and clearly. Most annoying was his dependence on the praise of his superiors. Rita saw more and more clearly that Thomas was too tight, that he lacked ease. She criticized Thomas, not choosing expressions - believing that only in this way he would have the opportunity to change. Thomas did not really resist and agreed with his girlfriend in many ways. For some reason this was also annoying. Secretly, Rita wanted Thomas to show her the boundaries of what was allowed - it would be like a man. Instead, a doggy love look. It's just unbearable! Of course, Rita felt a little guilty, because in fact Thomas hadn't done anything to her, but she believed that he just needed to work a little more on himself. Finally, Rita came to the conclusion that Thomas is still not her half - she needs a more independent person, standing with both feet on the ground. She broke off relations with him and felt free. For Thomas, the world has collapsed: what did he do wrong?

Rita has a relationship problem here. Of course, you can argue that this can happen to anyone. Anyone can make the wrong choice, so you don't have to consider Rita a filophobe! The objection is correct. As with anyone with fear of attachment (as well as fear of people), a look into the past provides crucial information. With Rita, the same thing happened all the time: after the stormy phase of falling in love and idealizing the partner, the second phase comes - humiliation and disintegration of the relationship. This type of phylophobia has strong narcissistic traits. I would like to call Rita "princess" - and the male version of the same type will, accordingly, "prince". Rita is capable of falling in love for real, and at first sight. In love, she soars in the clouds of her feelings, as if enchanted. But this is what she is much less adapted to,so it is to everyday life with a partner and to tolerate his weaknesses. For her, this is boredom and stagnation, which does not excite her in any way. And she wants to enjoy life to the fullest - the world around should be exciting, not frozen. For people like Rita, the state of immobility is like death. The same goes for lasting relationships. But Rita does not realize this - and is in an eternal search for someone who will offer her a life full of excitement and overcoming. In addition, she needs a certain “gloss and shine”. The partner should not only like, but also support Rita's self-esteem, be very special. This is why she was never attracted to "normal guys". She wonders over and over again why everyone else is lucky in love, and only she always comes across "the wrong variety." Unlike Peter in the first example,who simply "goes to the bottom", preferring to avoid conflict, Rita establishes distance by derogatory attitude towards the partner. She grumbles and criticizes Thomas in order to mold him into her Mister Perfect. And as Thomas resists weakly, Rita loses more respect for him. Frustrated, she turns away from her supposedly fairytale prince and looks for her next fateful meeting.

"Bricklayer": I myself determine the degree of closeness and distance between us

Ira and Lucas have been living together for six years. Lucas is a graphic designer, owner of his own business, Ira works in a bank. She would love to have children, but Lucas says that he is not ready yet, first he needs to get firmly on his feet - they still have time. And Lucas often has to travel to the office on weekends. The line between work and leisure is very blurred for him. Ira is always free on weekends, and on weekdays, as a rule, she returns home by six in the evening, while Lucas is often late until nine. Ira lacks communication with Lucas.

She is especially worried that Lucas spends a lot of free time on the sports field, and after that he enjoys drinking with his friends. Lucas' other hobby is reading the press. On weekends, Lucas reads daily newspapers, political and computer magazines for hours when he is not in the office. Ira got the impression that this is much more important to him than spending time together. Even if Lucas is physically nearby, Ira often thinks that his thoughts are hovering somewhere far away - so she increasingly feels lonely. At the same time, she is absolutely sure that Lucas needs this relationship and that there is no rival. She hears confirmation from Lucas every time it comes up. He is comfortable in this relationship, but he needs personal space. Ira has already made sure from her own experience,that you shouldn't force Lucas to go somewhere after work if he doesn't feel like it. Otherwise, he will sit all evening, as if passed out, and will seem to maintain a conversation, but at the same time Ira will have a clear feeling that he would prefer to be somewhere else now. There are, however, evenings or days when he is, as they say, “fully present,” and then Ira feels that she and Lucas are really close and that he loves her - which she often doubts. Each time after that, Ira promises herself not to encroach on Lucas' freedom and maintain trust in the relationship the next time he moves away. But usually she does not succeed - and then Lucas "turns off" so much that Ira again and again falls into the abyss of loneliness.and will seem to keep the conversation going, but at the same time Ira will have a clear feeling that he would prefer to be somewhere else now. There are, however, evenings or days when he is, as they say, “fully present,” and then Ira feels that she and Lucas are really close and that he loves her - which she often doubts. Each time after that, Ira promises herself not to encroach on Lucas's freedom and maintain trust in the relationship the next time he moves away. But usually she does not succeed - and then Lucas "turns off" so much that Ira again and again falls into the abyss of loneliness.and will seem to keep the conversation going, but at the same time Ira will have a clear feeling that he would prefer to be somewhere else now. There are, however, evenings or days when he is, as they say, “fully present,” and then Ira feels that she and Lucas are really close and that he loves her - which she often doubts. Each time after that, Ira promises herself not to encroach on Lucas's freedom and maintain trust in the relationship the next time he moves away. But usually she does not succeed - and then Lucas "turns off" so much that Ira again and again falls into the abyss of loneliness.that she and Lucas are really close and that he loves her - which she often doubts. Each time after that, Ira promises herself not to encroach on Lucas' freedom and maintain trust in the relationship the next time he moves away. But usually she does not succeed - and then Lucas "turns off" so much that Ira again and again falls into the abyss of loneliness.that she and Lucas are really close and that he loves her - which she often doubts. Each time after that, Ira promises herself not to encroach on Lucas's freedom and maintain trust in the relationship the next time he moves away. But usually she does not succeed - and then Lucas "turns off" so much that Ira again and again falls into the abyss of loneliness.

Lucas is also a typical phylophobic. The notorious "yes and no", on the basis of which such people build relationships, is clearly seen in his behavior. It would seem that he and Ira have developed a strong relationship, but at the same time, he is looking for different ways to establish a distance. It is as if he is erecting a wall between himself and his partner - therefore, we will conventionally call this type "mason". At the same time, Lucas uses one of the strategies popular among philophobes - to hide behind work and passions. Another indicator is fuzzy time planning. Filophobes are generally very reluctant to commit themselves. As a rule, this applies not only to relationships, but also to all spheres of life: such people need to feel the opportunity to make new decisions at any time without looking back at anyone. They often choose liberal professions,so as not to depend on external structures, and own business also provides an excellent excuse to hide behind work. The next aspect is clearly manifested in the relationship between Ira and Lucas: a person who avoids relationships has power. What should be the degree of closeness and distance in a relationship, it is up to Lucas to decide. He determines when he wants to be near Ira, and when not. He is not going to get closer to her to please her and, despite requests, maintains his distance, shortening it only at his own request. Physical intimacy with them also happens only when Lucas wants it. The loneliness that Ira feels over and over again is at the same time a feeling of powerlessness - their communication with Lucas is too short in all respects, and she cannot in any way affect her own desire to be near him. In a healthy relationship, givetaking and coming to a compromise is common, but in dealing with a philophobe, power belongs to one of the parties. The Filophobe sets boundaries, and the partner can only watch it powerlessly.

A chapter from the book “Loves / Dislikes. What is holding you back from building a strong relationship and how to fix it. " Stephanie Stahl. - Moscow: Publishing house "Bombora", 2020.