I Can't Forgive - Relationships, Self-development

I hoped for a person, for his help, but he did not help and, moreover, made fun of in front of many. I am constantly angry from resentment. I just manage to forget how I see him again - and the aggression grows, I can not restrain the emotion of anger, it is very difficult to fight … This is a person whom I trusted, and inside myself I really want to forgive him, because anger primarily harms me, my organism, from this it is neither cold nor hot.

Lyudmila, Kharkov

Usually, when they talk about forgiveness, some kind of old grudge comes to mind, a psychological trauma associated with a very dear, close person. And the theme of forgiveness itself now sounds like the theme of duty once was - like an obligatory work about which the priest speaks to the parishioner, and the psychologist to his client.

But is it so easy to forgive? And can you learn it? And if we talk about a serious offense, for life.

To forgive means to say goodbye to something, to someone unnecessary, to unravel the tangle of contradictions, doubts, anger and resentment, to make your life simple and clear. The case you described is just what I think is a good way to practice this. Noticing that resentment is hurting you, feeling the signals from your body, you are halfway to deliverance.

Then you can go "from the bottom up" (from sensations to emotional release, for example, through the techniques of body-oriented therapy, breathing regulation, relaxation, meditation). Or, conversely, “from top to bottom” (from awareness, intelligence to sensations - and then the techniques of cognitive psychology, gestalt, art therapy will suit you). Choose what is closer to you.

I will dwell on the second option in more detail. To be ridiculed in front of many is like a challenge to fate, a challenge to your psychological resilience. Will I be able to survive this? Make some useful discoveries for yourself? Step over and move on? Will I still be able to trust and test myself and another person? To answer positively to these questions and really go further, you need to survive the resentment itself, having completed three main tasks.

FIRST TASK - FORGIVE YOURSELF

For being angry; for worrying; for trusting and will trust; for not being able to predict the actions and reactions of other people. Take away responsibility for what happened.

SECOND TASK - UNDERSTAND YOURSELF AND ANOTHER PERSON

Ask yourself: what did you do wrong? Did you really need help at all? And this person in particular? Could he provide it? What stopped him? Was the people around you really as funny as you thought?

Do the exercise

Imagine yourself in the place of the person you turned to for help at different moments: when he agreed, when he could not help, when he made fun of you. And then - in the place of those many in front of whom you are now ashamed, or rather, in the place of every person you know who witnessed your defeat. Talk to these people in your mind, listen to what they have to say to you. All this you can realize not only in thoughts, but also in actions, in reality.

It can be useful to talk over the situation with people who are outsiders for that conflict, whose opinion you trust: friends, mother, psychologist. With loved ones, by the way, this should be done somewhere on vacation, in nature, in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere.

If you cannot talk directly with the offender, you can write a psychotherapeutic letter - a letter that is written in order to be sure to hand it over to a specific person, and finally the question of whether to do this or not is decided spontaneously. And the search for the right words for this is the thorny path of living the resentment, getting rid of it.

THE THIRD TASK IS TO ACCEPT YOURSELF AND ANOTHER PERSON,

his and his imperfection, accept the person who offended you for who he is. Or perhaps regret, understand the good that he gave you willingly or unwillingly. This may be what the experience of communicating with him taught you, what helped (made you stronger, more confident in yourself and your strengths, for example, helped to set priorities).

Accept, without accepting what you consider unacceptable for yourself in actions and intentions, in order to preserve your own "I".

The effect of working on yourself and the feeling that you get can be compared to the contemplation of an orange autumn lantern - physalis: outside there is a bright box, and inside there is a small juicy berry surrounded by emptiness.

Let your resentment become this emptiness inside the physalis, anger - a fragile shell: if you want, you will break it at any moment. And the berry - that wisdom that will ripen as a result of their re- and living.