“I Don’t Want Sex!” Or How Your Partner Is Cheating On You - Quality Of Life, Sex

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

In no other area of medicine does the patient deceive the doctor as much and ingeniously as in sexology. But, despite the efforts, at the reception you can see it right away - his story sounds too implausible. Every second person tries to mislead a sexologist, and often himself, by way of strange, often devoid of logic arguments. It makes no sense to disclose the reasons for the distortion of information. This is a topic for a separate article. Of course, working with aspiring professionals as a supervisor, I teach them not to expose deception. It is much more therapeutic to understand why this is happening.

Why is this happening?

Of course, they deceive not only a sexologist, but also a permanent partner. And then, at a joint consultation, a ready-made "legend" is issued. This happens especially often if there is no sex in a couple or it has become much less than it was. When one does not want, and the other suffers, expresses dissatisfaction and initiates a trip to the doctor. Those who do not want to usually tell the doctor, "I don't want sex at all." The same "legend" is presented to the dissatisfied partner. Although after some time it becomes clear to a specialist that there is a libido. But it is directed at other objects.

For clarity, let's consider a real situation using a typical example. Here is one possible scenario (names have been changed).

Vanya and Anya have been living together for 10 years. After 3 years of their life together, sex became very rare. It, as in the old anecdote about the new year, happens less often and at the great insistence of Ani. Vanya explains the lack of attraction by fatigue at work, bad mood, etc. Anya, as a classic codependent wife, takes Vanya's "difficult situation" and endures in the hope that someday everything will work out. When the situation escalates and the couple is on the verge of divorce, Vanya and Anya come to the reception. At the reception, Vanya also tells the sexologist a "fairy tale" that he is tired and works hard. He should have a rest, then … The sexologist immediately hears fake in Vanya's words, but prefers not to force events, but to give Vanya the opportunity to prove himself. One day, a few months later, the couple decides that it is better for Vanya to go to a sexologist alone. And on this solemn day, Vanya confesses to the sexologist his "terrible secret": he does not want Anya, she has not aroused him as a woman for a long time. Sex with her takes place on his moral and strong-willed, so as not to deepen conflicts with his wife. Vanya's attraction is directed at other women - hypersexual, more and more at professional prostitutes, with whom he has been making friends since his youth.

So, there is a splitting of libido, expressed in the complex of the Madonna and the Harlot. A case that is not suitable for pair work, and therefore Vanya is offered individual meetings. And Anya is referred to another specialist.

What conclusions can be drawn from this deception

1. It makes sense to be frank with a specialist, the effectiveness of treatment directly depends on this. In the example above, the partner hid important information for several months. What negatively affected the course of therapy.
2. Do not mislead your partner by giving him a false reason. This is the road to nowhere. You are wasting time deepening the problem. You can tell your partner about the problem with general phrases, such as “I don’t understand what is happening to my attraction, so I decided / decided to contact a specialist.”
3. A partner who is dissatisfied with the quality of sex does not have to agree to a long wait, "maybe it will resolve." The problem must be solved here and now. It is possible that living in the illusion of deception, maintaining a delicate balance, is more comfortable than trying to change the situation. But in this case, you pay double the price - with your time, which no one will return to you. Give your partner a condition that he will start solving this problem now. If within a month he does not respond to your requests, then he is not in the mood to change the situation. It suits you?
4. In addition, it is often very convenient and beneficial for a partner who avoids sex to have a double life. As in the proverb "eat a fish and do not wash a frying pan." In this situation, he uses his partner in the dark - his feelings, emotions, resources (living space, money, status, connections, etc.). In fact, it looks like a parasite that lives off the host. What formulas have not been invented so as not to have sex with a partner: “I have depression”; “I'm not stressed at work”; "It hurts me to have sex with you (while with lovers there is no pain and orgasm occurs)"; “Everyone lives like that, sex is not the main thing”; "You want sex too much, it's not normal for a woman."

The most appropriate thing to do in a situation of decreased desire is to be honest with yourself and your partner. If you are sure that the attraction has died irrevocably, this is worth admitting. Some relationships, like the skeleton of a dead horse, are worth burying and leaving behind. If you feel that all is not yet lost and these relationships are dear to you, fight for them and your libido. Don't sit back. Take action!