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Video: 7 Signs Your Friend Is A Narcissist - Society
Don, after a long day at work, was halfway to the store, about to buy something for dinner, when she ran into a friend of hers. "Good to see you. Where have you been?" “Well, you know … work, family, children. We've been so busy lately,”Don replied quickly, knowing deep down that it was wrong to answer that way. Not having enough time and energy to think about it properly at the moment of meeting, she threw this thought out of her head until she was left alone in the car.
Why hasn't she met her friend for so long? When was the last time they saw each other? And then she thought about her other friend - Barbara. Recently, Barb has been taking a lot of time and attention, something very dramatic has always happened in her life.
Dozens of messages every day, phone calls on the way to and from work, all these late get-togethers and sudden visits. Don was so absorbed in her friend's life that she had no time for other friends and even less time for her own family. She decided to confront Barbara in order to establish smarter boundaries.
Barb immediately blamed her husband Don for this, saying that he simply did not accept their close relationship. When Don said no and explained that it was after a fleeting meeting with a friend, Barb wanted to know all the details. And she immediately accused this friend of jealousy. Don tried to explain that it was only her decision, and then a friend replied: "Okay, leave me, like everyone else, I always knew that you would do it."
Embarrassed by this answer, Don tried to close the topic and calm her friend down. After a while, she gave up her resistance altogether and succumbed to the demands, replacing her need for personal space with Barbara's need for attention. The friend changed from “anger to mercy” and, with all her charm, started talking about how important Don was to her and that she was the closest friend she had ever had.
Sound familiar? Perhaps you also have such a friend.
Seven Signs of Narcissistic Friendship:
1. Unreasonable expectations
The narcissist expects his friend to satisfy all his emotional needs, as he must anticipate when and how much admiration and adoration he needs. This is a one-way street, where one gives support and the other only takes, but never responds in kind. Moreover, such an appetite cannot be fully satisfied. The more a friend gives, the more the narcissist expects.
2. Blame, projection and suggestion of guilt
The narcissist projects his negative traits onto his acquaintances, claiming that it is they who are dependent, always dissatisfied, ungrateful, selfish and have unreasonable expectations. Narcissists can also humiliate their loved ones, pointing out their shortcomings in front of witnesses, reacting to minor "faults" as a tragedy, emphasizing gaps in their knowledge, thereby asserting themselves at their expense. At the same time, those around him had never made such remarks to the narcissist's friend before.
3. Strong jealousy
The narcissist is jealous of everyone and everything that distracts a friend's attention. Including spouses, children, pets, friends, family and occupation. Attention is often required when a friend is busy with someone else, on the phone, working on a project, or engaging in collaborative activities with others. Jealousy is accompanied by intense rage, which the friend is later accused of.
4. Involvement in the "cycle of violence"
The narcissist tends to provoke his friend to leave first by being violent and / or insulting him during an argument. Thus, he proves that a loved one is really capable of leaving him one day, and at the same time appears as a victim. In any case, the narcissist received a weapon that he can later use against his friend. And at the same time, he will never take any responsibility for what happened.
5. Abusive behavior
The narcissist punishes a friend with cruelty or neglect. Violence can be physical (spoiling valuable items), emotional (feeling guilty), financial (expecting a loved one to pay for their goods or services), sexual (shame), spiritual (using religiosity to justify), verbal (abuse), or intellectual (distortion of the truth). It will rob you of love, attention, support and communication. There is nothing unconditional in his love, it is tied to the "benefit" brought. Any attempts to solve the problem turn into adding fuel to the fire.
If the friend refuses to indulge the wishes of this narcissistic person, he threatens with separation, exposure, or rejection. Most likely, the person close to the narcissist has one or more of these "pain points", which is why the narcissist chose him. These fears tend to keep people in these relationships. The narcissist acts like he has a right to something and is outraged that he does not get it. This is a form of adult tantrum.
7. Insincere remorse
The narcissist uses remorse as a manipulation tool. Sincere repentance takes time; it is almost impossible to regain trust overnight. The narcissist will expect an immediate return to the same level of trust as before. Any mention of similar behavior in the past will infuriate him, he will accuse a loved one that he is not capable of forgiveness. Which, of course, will serve as an excellent excuse for such actions in the future.
Once Don realized that her friend was a narcissist, she was better able to defend her borders. Since Barbara did not want to admit her wrongdoing and did not want to change her behavior, Don made the decision to end the friendship, which was not easy. But in the end she was able to get over it and move on with a healthier attitude towards this issue.
- By: Christine Hammond, MS, Licensed Mental Health Consultant
- Translation by Yana Tsyplakova