What If Your Role In Marriage Is That Of A Mother And Your Husband As A Son Or Child? - Relations

What if your role in marriage is that of a mother and that of a husband as a son or child? Is it possible to change the system of relations? Or is it for life?

Elizabeth, 31 years old

Your request for "changing the system of relations" is too global for me. Moreover, I remember from physics that the system meets any attempts to influence it with resistance. And since you yourself are an element of this system, you can get into a conflict between your conscious desire to change and your unconscious "rebuff" to violate the integrity of the existing order.

Before changing your stable roles, maybe it makes sense to see how they support you in life, what do they insure against, what joys they bring you? And if after consciously appropriating all the advantages of what is now, you still have a strong desire to change the system, then start doing it slowly? Little steps?

Such, for example.

Feel all the benefits of being a "mom" today. What do you see better from this "mother's hillock", hear more subtly? What additional opportunities, for example, control over the situation, do you get? You have the opportunity and desire to ask around your husband - how much does he feel you as a "mother"? And how does he feel about this?

And then, when you've got a picture of your benefits, you can take one more step. Take a close look at your desire to change something. What exactly? How much? And imagine how such changes can affect the “bonuses” of your current “mother's” status. Will you have more anxiety, for example? Or more than any concern for the integrity of your family?

It is better to do all this in writing. Then it turns out clearer. And while you are writing, you are structuring your emotions, feelings, thoughts. It is best to look at the system "systemically".

And maybe after this kind of work, it will be easier for you to see or comprehend what exactly and in which of the elements of your family system you would like to move a little, for what period of time. For example, turn off one of the elements of your care for your husband, which is now annoying you the most and makes him feel like a "mom" for several weeks. And carefully observe yourself - how you feel yourself now, and behind him - how he reacts … And then - to be guided by the situation. Good luck to you!