Instructions For Cuckolds. Conversation About Adultery - Relations

The categorical decision to destroy the family after the betrayal of one of the spouses, apparently, is a thing of the past. Modern young people do not consider betrayal as a point of no return, and they do not strike much alarm. Otherwise, what to do with the trend - in recent decades the number of marital "pranks" has clearly increased. Is this the result of the pernicious influence of pornography distributed on television and via the Internet, or is it a natural process?

CHANGE WIFE FOR A CLAY POT

Initially, in our society, there was no marriage and gender relations were not regulated, just as in our days, for example, friendship is not regulated. One easily makes friends and just as easily breaks up with them, the other chooses one friend for life, the third has several permanent friends. In this matter, society does not prescribe or prohibit anything. It was the same with sex. And therefore, there was nowhere for betrayal and jealousy: after all, betrayal is a violation of obligations. And if there are no obligations?

First, a group marriage appeared, then it was replaced by a pair marriage, with which a family arose. In couples marriage, jealousy to people from the distant past was still unknown.

Male jealousy arose when patriarchal relationships began to emerge. It manifested itself in very mild forms: it was enough to have some kind of clay pot in the form of compensation - and the question of "using" someone else's wife was considered closed.

As the patriarchy grew stronger, jealousy became more intense. At the same time, in Europe, within the framework of one model of marriage, the attitude towards adultery in different centuries differed sharply. In ancient Greece, betrayal by the wife was almost impossible and was punishable by death at the hands of the husband. In ancient Rome, at the beginning of our era, sexual morality was very loose. There are colorful descriptions of unbridled orgies in which married women also took part. The film "Caligula" is historically quite correct.

TENTH IN LINE - HUSBAND

In the Renaissance, adultery was commonplace. In some European countries, the right of a married woman to have fun with other men was generally recognized. And if the husband found his wife with a lover, it was he who was considered guilty - for the awkwardness of behavior. But it was a matter of honor for every decent woman to get pregnant only from her own husband. That is why in those days there was a saying: "A pregnant wife cannot be wrong."

In the Netherlands, according to custom, the owner provided a distinguished guest for the night with a beautiful maid, daughter or his own wife. In Germany and other countries, there was a custom of "trial nights". A peasant girl of marriageable age received guys at night in her bedroom, sorting them one by one, and this did not interfere with marriage, on the contrary, it strengthened her reputation. Nothing can be hidden in the village, and it would be very strange to assume that the guy, tenth in line, getting married, would become ferociously jealous. Such customs lasted until the beginning of the 18th century - they were mentioned, for example, by Stendhal in his famous treatise On Love.

By the 19th century, the attitude towards adultery in the highest circles of society had become intolerable: a woman convicted of adultery was threatened with expulsion from society, not to mention punishment from her husband, a bullet from an angry spouse was intended for her lover, whom the court almost always acquitted.

EXPERT OPINION

Yuriy Prokopenko, Candidate of Medical Sciences, sexologist

Jealousy REMAINED IN THE PAST … HOW HEALTHY WOULD BE!

In fact, jealousy is a suspicion or confidence in the imaginary or real betrayal of a sexual partner with an exaggerated, painful assessment of the alleged event ("Sexological Dictionary"). And according to Ushakov's dictionary, jealousy is a passionate distrust, a painful doubt of someone's loyalty, of love, of complete devotion. However, we are talking here about a completely intangible object - about assessing what was or what was not. And this is so individual, so much dependent on congenital and acquired psychological characteristics, that it is a thankless task to coat everyone with the same brush. Those who believe that the partner belongs to them in body and soul and a step to the side is punishable by jealousy will never go anywhere. Those who consider themselves so unworthy will never go anywhere,that the partner's right to extramarital affairs is implied to be binding. Human nature does not tolerate emptiness or monotony, which means that life goes on.

WHAT'S CHILD IS THIS?

With female jealousy, the question is much more complicated. Men always went to prostitutes. In 19th century London, during glorious Victorian times, there was one brothel for every 60 houses. Plus, there were street prostitutes, through the crowd of whom in the evenings one had to literally wade through, plus peasant women, maids, and workers who agreed to everything for money. The wives could not but know about this, but they did not show jealousy because of their own lack of rights. It was just time to defend herself, even in the most advanced countries, a husband could at any moment kick out his wife, take away her children, lock her up or beat her with a stick (though not thicker than a thumb!). Although, on the other hand, sometimes mistresses and kept women, who seem to be out of order, were jealous with all passion, right up to murder. Female jealousy became commonplace only in the 20th century,when a woman caught up with a man in rights.

Jealousy in a patriarchal marriage was generated by the desire to ensure the reliability of the child's origin, so that after death the property would be inherited by the blood son. Modern marriage, one without a name, has largely returned to gender equality and continues to move in the same direction. The issue of inheritance is vital for only a small percentage of families. Cohabitation in the same marriage from youth until death is no longer the rule, but rather the exception, and a considerable number of men are quite calmly raising biologically alien children. In my opinion, the reasons that gave rise to jealousy in due time have disappeared nowadays, and it exists only by inertia.

ALWAYS READY

The average modern man is ready to cheat at any moment. Only sometimes he can be held back by fear: his wife finds out, possible complications in the service, fears of blackmail and the like. Men themselves, when polled, believe that only one in a hundred refuses to sleep with an attractive woman who willingly meets him, solely for moral reasons ("how can I, because I am married!").

Women seem to be eager for physical betrayal not so actively. But they are more willing to go with the flow, and the result is exactly the same. When a woman is left alone in a welcoming environment with a man she likes, she has enough moral fortitude for a very short time. And then, there is arithmetic! Since husbands are unfaithful to their wives, again with women, how many times the male half of the human race has sinned, the same is true for its female half - parity.

APPARENT HAS BEEN SECRET

The withering away of jealousy is a natural and inevitable process, but, of course, very painful, in order to alleviate it, medications are required. I believe that treason should be removed from the category of inexcusable crimes into the category of forgivable crimes. It is worth asking the groom what he will do in case of betrayal of the future wife, and you can almost certainly hear: "I will divorce." The bride will say the same. In the case of real betrayal, most partners still do not file for divorce. Thus, for a long time, there is an extremely painful gap between the prescribed and real behavior. How to proceed?

I think we must recognize the inevitability (high probability) of adultery and psychologically prepare for this. But to scold the other half should not be for treason, but for the stupidity of behavior, as a result of which the secret becomes obvious - and it is morally difficult to endure it. And of course, the culprit must not admit anything to the very last moment. Is that in those cases when there is nowhere to go at all. This is not deceit, but tact.

The idea of the possible withering away of jealousy will probably seem wild and ridiculous to many. But humans have too short memory. Emil Zola was in a terrible anger and almost broke off the engagement with his bride because she, crossing a puddle, picked up her skirt so that the stocking became visible. I would tell him that in a hundred years the husband will feel great on the beach when many men look at his wife, slightly covered with pathetic shreds. A hundred years ago, unlike today, a man, upon learning that his bride was no longer a virgin, experienced a terrible shock. It is quite possible that in a few decades we will treat an outbreak of jealousy in the same way as we now treat Zola's reaction to a flashing stocking, that is, with mockery and bewilderment.

EXPERT OPINION

Elena Rekunova, consultant psychologist

NO PROBLEMS?

People are divided into several categories in relation to jealousy. The first group is the "owners". Jealousy for them is greed. They simply cannot bear the thought that the chair they bought will be used by someone else. The second group is concerned with what others have to say. Fears torment, and most often irrational, as in the fairy tale "Clever Elsa". If jealousy has not become a stumbling block in a relationship, then such people can be advised to use common sense. If it has become very difficult, suspicions, imaginary or real, no longer allow you to think sensibly - it's time to turn to a psychologist. Together you will figure out what it is: your "cockroaches" have roamed or your partner has exceeded the acceptable level of acceptance of behavior. The third group - people "problem-free". They worked a lot on themselves, building relationships with a partner,agree in advance about everything and are next to the person, while they both feel good. There is no question of jealousy at all. There is a choice.