Hits - Means He Loves? Every Third Woman In Russia Is Beaten By Her Husband - Relationships, Society

She was again in the hospital. In traumatology. The roommates envied her, sympathized and curious. Sympathized with numerous fractures, bruised face. They envied the huge bouquets of roses, the tenderness and care of my husband, who came every day. They were curious who could do this to her. And he came, came every day, knelt by the bed and was silent. It was difficult for her to speak because of her twisted jaw. He … He had no words. There was always a note in the bouquet. And she always read it with tears in her eyes. The neighbors wondered what words could cause tears of affection. These are tears of affection, aren't they?

And the notes said in different ways: “I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me … I shouldn't have, I don't know … I'm sorry! I love you so much! Don't go away! If you leave, I'll lay hands on myself! You hear, so know! This will not happen again … How could I hit you?"

This was the fifth hospital. She had not paid attention to bruises and bruises for a long time. Mom and sister were sorry …

The police lied about robbers, abortive rapists. The district police officer did not say anything. He just looked sympathetically and understanding …

According to statistics, in Russia every third woman is beaten by her husband. And it doesn't go away. If he leaves, he always returns. And in the media, controversy continues, why is she returning? Why does it suffer? Other disputes about why it beats do not subside either. Pathology? Jealousy? Love? It is in the media that psychotherapy has long viewed such relationships as mutual addiction. There are many versions and theories of its origin. This article is one of them.

The man

Many psychologists and psychiatrists identify the state of being in love with illness. Thoughts, deeds, desires - all life is subordinated to Her, the only and desired. Meetings, conversations, confessions, flowers, assurances and fears, “what if he leaves”? I have nightmares. Is this a neurotic condition? It looks like it. What is the basic need of a lover? So that his love is mutual. That is why the state of falling in love with passion is usually very short in time. As soon as She, the love of all life, pays attention to the unhappy lover, the lover becomes happy, the need finds satisfaction, but the love disappears. What happens next? If the relationship, besides passion, was tied to respect for each other's interests, trust and mutual understanding, a harmonious feeling called "Love" may arise. In another case, falling in love is replaced by disappointment: "She seemed to me completely different."

But this happens only when the lover realizes that he is loved. And if not? Is it possible that even after the wedding, the same man feels that he is not very much loved? Maybe. He is still in love, which means he is still not quite adequate. And thoughts and ideas appear in the inflamed brain: “Hold! To keep it at all costs! How can this be done? Only I should exist for her, I am alone! " And so it began: you won't go to your friend, you don't need a job, and don't use makeup, and you are no more beautiful. and do not walk the streets in a short skirt … And how he suffers! Eternal suspicion, jealousy, unkind thoughts eat the victim of passion from within. And he is angry, he is angry at his beloved. I already want to hit, so that I understand who is the boss! And then he does not put a penny!

Is this condition normal? I think not. Most likely, such a man experiences a feeling of love addiction, which is now being placed on a par with other types of addiction: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs.

If the wife, unlike her unhappy half, is not so attached to her husband, she leaves. She will not be confused by the lack of money, work, loneliness. She will not allow such an attitude to herself. Yes and no such statistics. Statistics are collected based on the testimony of victims who have been beaten for a long time and with depressing consequences. Why do such women tolerate such an attitude of spouses towards themselves?

Woman

It is known that negative emotions bring with them the same invaluable experience as positive ones. It is difficult to imagine a person's life, even a baby, without negativity. Wet diapers - cold, wet - suffering - crying - mom came - changed - comfort. Learning to walk - hit - hurt - suffering - came, regretted - comfort.

It turns out that without negativity and suffering there are no positive emotions, comfort, joy. You know the bitter taste, you will feel the sweet.

It is good if the fallen baby was not only regretted, but also explained why he fell. They supported and reassured him, he went again. It is good when for a preschooler there is the joy of victory, the joy of discovery. And if everyone does it for him? If you are protected from everything? There is no joy. No discoveries. There are no victories. The only way to feel how bad it can be, so that you can later understand how good it is, is to fall, hit, pinch your finger. Then a crowd of relatives will come running: they will calm him down, console him, give him candy, take him to the zoo. Was bad. It became good.

And such a person, in our case, the female, grows up. The strategy of her behavior does not change, it remains the same. It is enough to whimper and everyone will come running again. But over time, they stop reacting to just a whimper. An adult, everything is fine. My head hurts? Take the pill! And then the woman begins to look for such suffering, from which she will definitely be given "candy": support, help, care and attention.

They met

And now a man and a woman, the psychological traits of which are described above, met. She who wants suffering in order to get comfort from her family and friends. He, in love with her at first sight, to unconsciousness and neurosis. He wants to become the only one for her; in a state of love delirium, he is both master and master. He wants her complete submission, or rather, love: to satisfy the need to be loved and extinguish the heat of unconsciousness and madness. She does not allow him to achieve his cherished goal.

She suffers from complete submission, seeks to break free and at the same time cannot do this. Because relatives who criticize her for her weakness, at the same time, encourage her. They are sorry. They scold the villain. Prohibition - beating - suffering - support of loved ones - comfort. And the husband himself, after another fit of rage, kneels, begs to forgive, regrets and loves, loves, loves!

Beats - means he loves … Forgives - means he loves … Or? Mutual dependence.

Hits - means he loves? Who is to blame and what to do?

The trouble is that these two do not understand that they are not healthy for a long time. They sincerely believe they are right. They sincerely believe that they love each other. It is not uncommon for neighbors to call the police in order to save the unfortunate woman from death, and then, they, the well-wishers, turned out to be to blame. She sprinkled them with mud, scolded them for what the light was … The husband was taken to the police!

Probably, the alcoholic also gets mad when he sees someone pouring the cherished stash down the toilet.

What to do with them, unhappy and happy at the same time? Never mind! Let them live as they live. And if it's a daughter, sister, just a friend? It hurts, it hurts to see it all! Lead by the handle to a psychotherapist. Not a psychologist, psychotherapist with a medical education.

Is the said evil tyrant your friend? You should do the same with him. Bad advice? Maybe!

But no article, no TV show, no familiar psychologist or psychiatrist can reach the changed consciousness in a heart-to-heart conversation. Addiction treatment is a long and difficult process for both the patient and the therapist.

Expert commentary

Valentina Svechnikova, consultant psychologist (Kiev)

Love addiction is a neurotic feature that has nothing to do with true love. The main difference between these feelings from each other is that love - even undivided love - gives resources, makes you move forward, and a neurotic state is a disease that leaves no strength for life.

What are the reasons for addictive behavior? The first and most important is the attitude of the parents to the child. In families where there is no unconditional parental love, where the child is compared with a neighbor, a friend, where the main parental message is that you will study well, and for this we will love you, the child develops low self-esteem. The child understands: there is nothing to love him for. Growing up, such a person wants to receive love, but is not sure that he can be loved sincerely.

In our society, overprotection often leads to addictive behavior. Many children grow up in defective families, where a mother, offended by all of humanity, puts her child at the center of her world. As long as the baby is small, his mother takes care of him, this is normal, but the child grows, and the custody does not decrease, and now the woman has a “child” of about 30 in her arms, who has not emotionally separated from her mother. If such a person is building a family, then he subconsciously looks for a guardian - a partner who would take full responsibility. If we are talking about a man, then women with a developed maternal instinct usually fall into partners. Unfortunately, with external well-being, the main problem of such couples is the suppression of sexual desire. And, as in all types of addiction, a man may understand that the relationship does not suit him, but he clings to them with all his might,not believing that there may be other, more suitable relationships for him in his life. Girls from single-parent families usually fall into dependent relationships for another reason. Unable to build relationships with their father, not having received their share of male love and admiration in childhood, they marry the first person who paid attention to them. Most often these are men who are several years older. Even if a young woman is not financially dependent on him, she is emotionally dependent. The partner feels this and sooner or later begins to manipulate his wife. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible for a person with addictive behavior to help themselves. Unable to build a relationship with their father, not receiving their share of male love and admiration in childhood, they marry the first person who paid attention to them. Most often these are men who are several years older. Even if a young woman is not financially dependent on him, she is emotionally dependent. The partner feels this and sooner or later begins to manipulate his wife. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible for a person with addictive behavior to help themselves. Unable to build a relationship with their father, not receiving their share of male love and admiration in childhood, they marry the first person who paid attention to them. Most often these are men who are several years older. Even if a young woman is not financially dependent on him, she is emotionally dependent. The partner feels this and sooner or later begins to manipulate his wife. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible for a person with addictive behavior to help themselves.it is almost impossible for a person with an addicted type of behavior to help themselves.it is almost impossible for a person with an addicted type of behavior to help themselves.

This is a very persistent pattern * of behavior, which may even be a character trait How, for example, a person who has any relationship develops into constant quarrels, know that all his problems are that he has never encountered emotionally warm relationships and the only an opportunity for him to get attention - to evoke negative emotions? In such cases, the best self-help is going to a psychologist.

* Pattern is a habitual emotional reaction.