Parental Criticism And Our Self-esteem. Is Education Without Grades Real? - Self-development, Society

It is believed that a person's self-esteem in a more or less stable form is formed only in adolescence (15-17 years) or even at the stage of early adulthood (18-20 years). The smaller the child, the more his self-esteem depends on other people. The idea of oneself is formed from the assessments of people with whom the child has the closest relationship

The main "evaluators" in a child's life are his parents. Usually, parents use assessment as a parenting tool - as a positive or negative feedback. They give out evaluative responses in response to the child's behavior that is either “good” (approved, reinforced) or “bad” (and must be stopped / changed).

The assessment itself is formulated in the form of personal characteristics:

• smart / stupid,
• bold / cowardly,
• responsible / careless, etc.

These "tags" that others most often hang on the child, usually become the foundation of his adult self-esteem.

Education without grades?

Contemporary popular books on child psychology actively promote the idea of nonjudgmental parenting. Say, do not hang labels on the child, and then he will grow up as a psychologically mature and prosperous person. Teachers are still conducting highly scientific discussions about whether grades (in the form of marks) are needed in school education or whether they should be canceled altogether so as not to injure the child's psyche. There is some truth in this approach, but …

But you need to approach the issue of assessment realistically. Assessments are based on values - social and individual. And these values have existed and will continue to exist, regardless of our opinion and attitude towards them. Probably, only very enlightened monks can achieve a completely non-judgmental perception of the world. “In the world” everything is not so - people both evaluated and will evaluate each other in accordance with the values that they have.

Where do our values come from?

But what values do they have ?! And, most importantly, where do these values come from, how are they formed? And values are formed in the old-fashioned way: “The little son came to his father and asked the little one: What is good? What is bad? " And if the father (parents) answer evasively and “without judgment,” then someone else will put values in his child's head: friends from the gateway, the media, any charismatic Fuhrer, etc.

You can talk as much as you like about the rights of the child, but this in no way negates the responsibilities of the parents. And the responsible transfer of values to your minor child is one of these responsibilities

The main problem is how exactly this transfer is carried out. There are many ways of transmission (personal example, joint activity, informing), and assessment is just one of them.

When parents abuse grading

The problem arises when, consciously or not, parents begin to act according to the principle "the end justifies the means." They abuse grading if:

• There are too many "tags" on the child, every little thing is evaluated in his behavior;
• the assessments are too general, the same “label” is attached to very different behaviors;
• negative assessments predominate, and positive ones are used extremely rarely (normally, the ratio of positive to negative assessments should be at least 4: 1);
• the assessment procedure itself resembles punishment, is psychologically negative, painful, and stressful;
• negative assessment is formulated categorically as a final sentence that cannot be reversed;
• the parent does not prompt and does not help the child to change, to correct a negative assessment for a positive one.

But the worst thing is when parents begin to use assessment not for high educational purposes, but simply as a means of ensuring their own comfort.

For example, a small child who pesters parents with questions deserves a positive rating of "inquisitive". But from tired or simply negative-minded parents, he runs the risk of getting a negative assessment like "annoying", "annoying", "always crawling with stupid questions."

Conflict of evaluations and self-esteem

It is clear that the smaller the child, the more uncritically he learns parental assessments. But with the growth of self-awareness, these external assessments (especially negative ones) inevitably come into conflict (or at least are called into question) with our own self-assessments. It turns out that by the time of maturation (at the age of 15-20), the self-esteem of each person is, to one degree or another, internally contradictory, conflicting. We suddenly realize that some of our characteristics are "it's not about me at all!"

And here an interesting fork appears:

• we either start looking for the culprit and engage in self-criticism,
• or we review and rebuild our self-esteem in accordance with our personal values.

The first path leads people to the offices of psychotherapists, and there they drain the negativity accumulated over the years and claims to their parents. This path is not bad, but it has its own risks. The main thing is not to run into a psychotherapist who will carefully cherish your "childhood psychotraumas" (real or far-fetched), delaying your reconciliation (at least on an internal level) with parental figures as long as possible.

The second way is much more mature. It is based on taking responsibility for your life, for yourself, and for your own self-worth. And also on the understanding that our self-esteem (even if formed without our conscious participation in early childhood) is not a sentence, and we can change it.

It is only important to understand that a change in self-esteem is not the result of simple self-hypnosis. It is not enough to say: “In fact, I am not A, but B” (where instead of A and B, you can substitute any opposite personal / self-evaluating characteristics), it will not help much.

Confident self-perception and strong self-esteem are the result of our decisions (life choices) and concrete deeds.

Ask yourself questions:

• How can I prove (first of all to myself) that I am not A (as my parents tried to instill in my childhood or someone else), but B?
• What actions / deeds can I prove this?

Only such deliberate and purposeful actions will help you outgrow childhood resentments and parental "tags".