Love Hoaxes. Three Common Misconceptions About How Love Comes - Relations

The formula of love was deduced by alchemists and magicians, scientists were looking for its explanations, poets - exact comparisons, healers of souls - methods of healing. And yet for thousands of years people have gone mad, burned with passion and lost their minds. Does the most magical of all human feelings have its own laws?

MYSTIFICATION # 1: BY CALCULATION

Love is best compared to a fever: the severity and duration of both do not depend in the least on our will,”wrote François de La Rochefoucauld. But if in the days of the French moralist they tried to comprehend the science of tender passion with the help of books, fortune-telling and, at worst, love potion, then our pragmatic age brought much more advanced means.

For example, in the United States they created a search engine for the second half using a mobile phone. At that moment, when loners suitable for each other are nearby, their phones will begin to emit a characteristic sound signal. Everyone determines the parameters of a narrowed or narrowed person by filling out a questionnaire and sending it to the website of service providers. The computer program "Ideal Partner" can be easily downloaded from the Russian Internet. The calculation includes calculating the basic biorhythms, comparing zodiacal signs and even checking names for compatibility!

“Now there are many theories about how we choose a partner,” says psychologist Denis Novikov. - Here you can recall socionics, the hypothesis of Ackoff and Emery about the compatibility of attitudes, even astrology and feng shui. But all this is nothing more than socio-cultural prerequisites. In fact, psychology can explain the occurrence and course of emotional reactions, but not the origin of love. There is still some mysticism in this unique feeling."

MYSTIFICATION # 2: AT FIRST SIGHT

How, apart from mysticism, can explain the state when, when meeting with a stranger, "thunder and lightning pierce", "goose bumps run down the skin" and the brain begins to produce the "love hormone" oxytocin?

Love at first sight is a feeling of anticipation of paradise, - says psychoanalyst, clinical psychologist Nadezhda Malkina. - The feeling of mysticism intensifies when lovers begin to feel and understand each other without words. Carl Gustav Jung believed that when we fall deeply in love, we are faced with our own inner archetypes. The classic of psychoanalysis explained the incredible fascination with another person by the unconscious projection of the so-called anima or animus onto a partner. That is, in the object of passion we see ourselves - and we attribute our traits to him or her. In fact, love at first sight is an unexpected meeting with oneself."

In Jung's theory, "animus" is "the repository of all the experience of previous women," and "anima," respectively, of men. And it is this archetype that gives the creative impulse. “He brings something that can be called … embryos. A man advances in his work thanks to the creativity of his inner feminine (that is, feminine) nature, just as the inner masculine side of a woman gives the seeds of creativity,”Jung wrote in his works.

The very first love in our life occurs during infancy. This is love for the mother, - continues Nadezhda Malkina. - From what this initial experience was, in many respects depends what a person will expect from love, becoming an adult. In the terminology of the author of the object theory Donald Winnicott, only "good enough mothers" ultimately set their children up for the "right" parting with the "sense of imaginary power." Adapting to reality means realizing that of all desires, only those that are really important are fulfilled, and empty whims do not find a response. This is carried over to adult relationships: a “properly tuned” person does not expect complete submission from a partner, which means that he is ready to build adequate relationships based on respect for the interests of the other”.

In the theory of psychoanalysis, the figure of the father is no less important. “Most often, a woman’s chosen one is either a person who is somewhat similar to him, or his complete opposite. But even in the case of a search "by contradiction" the smallest detail can play the role of a "trigger". A similar tone of voice, a manner of laughing or even a ridiculous habit of losing gloves - all this can give an unconscious impulse to the origin of feelings.

MYSTIFICATION # 3: A BROKEN HEART

“Love builds bridges from one loneliness to another. They can be fabulously beautiful, but they are rarely built to last,”said psychotherapist Karen Horney.

Disappointments and failures in love bring us the most intense mental suffering. And yet, even those of us, whose union with our “half” can be called happy, pass through them.

Sooner or later the hormonal flair of love dissipates, and we see before us not that far-fetched ideal, but a real person with his own interests, advantages and disadvantages, complexes and imperfections, - continues Nadezhda Malkina. "It is at this stage that the presence or absence of psychological compatibility is revealed."

Studies of successful married couples have produced interesting results. It turned out that each person has his own limit of psychological rapprochement with his spouse. This is the distance, in violation of which communication becomes difficult, uncomfortable, painful. For men, the distance is usually greater, for women, less. At first, the husband, adjusting to his beloved wife, communicates with her at "female", shorter psychological distances. But for the husband, such communication is uncomfortable. Therefore, a certain decline, distance, desire to have your own corner is inevitable …

By the way, addiction to love is no different from any other addiction. “Love becomes a drug for people prone to building neurotic relationships. This is a problem of emotional instability, and not external fatal circumstances, - says Denis Novikov. - It is easier for such a person to rely on someone else than on himself. And the "broken heart" here is nothing more than a beautiful explanation of one's own failures."

Luck in love, according to psychologists, is, first of all, the ability to build relationships: to consciously relate to your emotions, take responsibility for yourself and … live here and now. It is important to be able to focus on the present. After all, when we are with the one we love, every hour spent together is valuable to us. Goals, even the most correct ones, like “to get married and have a child,” “to raise a good wife and mother,” kill love.

INTERESTING FACT

Women choose a scent partner. The chances of winning a woman are more from a man whose body odor is similar to that of her father, but still different from her own. Such data were obtained as a result of a study conducted at the University of Chicago. According to scientists, a woman subconsciously gives preference to men, whose immune system genes are similar to some of her father's genes, which provides children with a reliable and proven immune system. Substances that determine the individual smell of a person and are produced by the body are called pheromones.