Table of contents:
- Relations between people, and especially in a couple, at the very beginning are covered with a veil of romance and seem to be eternal, beautiful, amazing. But for some reason, over time, they sometimes turn out to be the other side - suffering, difficult partings. How do we manage to turn a cloudless relationship into a heavy burden that oppresses us? And how to find the golden mean when looking for and choosing a partner?
- The beginning of time
- Identity and Authenticity
- Get to know yourself in a relationship
- Two principles of building relationships
- 1. The principle of scarcity
- 2. The principle of curiosity
- Integrity check
Video: How To Choose The Right Partner Despite Falling In Love - Relations
Relations between people, and especially in a couple, at the very beginning are covered with a veil of romance and seem to be eternal, beautiful, amazing. But for some reason, over time, they sometimes turn out to be the other side - suffering, difficult partings. How do we manage to turn a cloudless relationship into a heavy burden that oppresses us? And how to find the golden mean when looking for and choosing a partner?
The beginning of time
Building relationships is always a difficult job that has its own stages of development. We start them in one state - the motivation for approaching another person is always the same.
Over time, the motivation and reasons for being around another person change - a transformation occurs
At the same time, we show ourselves in different ways.
- It is easy for some to strike up a relationship, but difficult to maintain.
- Others start them painfully, but then remain in a relationship for a long time.
- And the third is the most difficult to complete the relationship, which, according to all indicators, should have been completed long ago.
Quite often, it all starts with falling in love. Falling in love is a lot of passion, a lot of "biology", a lot of emotions, excitement and … a lot of biased assessment of reality. When we fall in love, our consciousness is slightly changed. Otherwise, very few would create pairs.
Two halves of one whole?
Popular wisdom says: “loving people are two halves of one apple”, “husband and wife are one Satan”. This list can be continued for a very long time. And you yourself can supplement it, but we will try to think about the meaning of these expressions.
Proverbs offer a rather strange model of a relationship, where two different people, as a result of love magic, turn into one. The result, however, is a not very attractive creature with two heads that look in different directions, with four arms and legs. How does this happen?
Identity and Authenticity
First, we are able to make a conscious choice only when some "understanding of ourselves" comes, which in psychology is associated with the concepts of identity and authenticity.
It is about recognizing yourself in society:
- Who am I?
- What are my functions?
- What are my abilities?
- Does my environment match the expectations of what other people broadcast to me?
And the concept of authenticity reflects the process of experiences within oneself. If there is work to discover ourselves, then this suggests that we can build sufficiently flexible relationships. In what sequence does everything happen?
A rather difficult process of identity most often occurs in adolescence, when first we accept everything that society tells us, and then we start looking for our own. This "own" can both like others and reject them.
For example, the independent choice of clothing by a teenager often causes shock and misunderstanding among parents. Why it happens? Because parents have their own ideas about fashion. In such cases, there are two ways: to adhere to the opinions of the people around you or to stay with your own.
Get to know yourself in a relationship
The same thing happens in relationships. When entering adulthood, it is worth taking the time to recognize yourself in this zone: what kind of girl am I, what kind of guy am I? Experiment with relationships.
True, this is possible only if all the previous stages of life have passed without problems. This means that young people have learned to risk their curiosity, not to worry about failures, although falling in love is very difficult to experience in adolescence.
It is also important that someone should support, not devalue, not scoff at our experiences in this difficult period, but, on the contrary, provide them with their knowledge. But at the same time, it is important not to regard this knowledge as instructions, not to try to use it, because it is not a fact that they will help, but can also harm.
Gradually, we begin to recognize ourselves in relationships. And after a while we become able to organize relationships with those people with whom we can get along in the same space.
For me personally, a relationship is not two halves of one apple, but two separate apples. More often even an apple and a pear. And they do not divide the plate equally, as they would like, but rather difficult. Therefore, at some stage, there is a desire to turn a partner into your own kind.
Two principles of building relationships
If the stage of self-recognition has not been passed, we will definitely build relationships on the principle of scarcity. In my opinion, this is one of the fundamental principles of building relationships. Also, elementary curiosity is often a factor in starting a relationship. Let's take a closer look at these two ways of building relationships.
1. The principle of scarcity
If a person builds relationships from a position of scarcity, then he has not learned how to deal with his own life support, but he has a great idea: to realize this at the expense of someone else.
There are three basic needs that are considered fundamental in the development of our mental processes:
- It is important for us that we have a certain level of security.
- We have a need for intimacy, for relationships.
- It is very important for us to realize ourselves, to create something, to do something and to receive feedback from the environment.
When it comes to building relationships based on the principle of scarcity, then you should rely on these basic needs. Just let's figure out how it will be embodied in life?
The need for security
To meet the need for security and peace of mind, we will choose a partner we believe to be reliable. Someone who does not frighten us with anything, whose reactions do not cause us strong excitement.
But such a partner is not always suitable for a long-term relationship. At first it is calm and good with him, but then it becomes boring. All interest in maintaining this kind of relationship is gradually disappearing. And it is natural that we start to get angry, try to stir up, provoke some kind of reaction that will be new. Often the reaction to such actions is disapproving, conflicts arise.
The second option, when we choose a strong, aggressive partner who can do well what we cannot do, is much more difficult. We immediately fall into emotional dependence, but not only. It should be borne in mind that in such a relationship you will have to face aggressiveness. This often leads to tragedy. In this model, one of the partners begins to endure humiliation, painful actions from the other partner, but in relation to the other, the self is safe.
It must be said that if we choose a partner for ourselves on the principle of scarcity, then the relationship is usually vertical: either we subordinate the partner, or we ourselves obey him
Need for intimacy
I really want the second need for intimacy with my soul mate to be fully realized in life. And if difficulties arise, then this suggests that for some reason we ourselves have not learned how to safely fall in love, trust another person. Something got in the way in a previous relationship. Or perhaps there were situations in family experiences that we had to spend a lot of energy in in order to adapt to them.
Very often, the difficulty lies in the fact that we want intimacy in a relationship, but it's scary to trust another person. In practice, several ways of developing relations are possible, we will describe the main ones.
Scenario 1Choosing a partner who loves you without mutual feelings
A tragic scenario for both participants. Because the one who loves does not receive reciprocal feelings and all the time goes through a crisis of inseparability, loneliness, resentment. The partner believes that he is not worthy to be loved. In general, he has many reasons to suffer. Someone who is less emotionally involved or not included at all in a relationship, over time, begins to feel guilty towards a person who cannot be given as much warmth and love.
There is irritation due to an excess of attention to oneself from a person to whom we cannot respond in kind, which is very often blocked by guilt. Because of this, the destruction of oneself, a partner, occurs. At best, everything ends in the destruction of the relationship.
Second scenarioMarriage of convenience
This is a more stable design compared to the first. This is a clear contract that implies some kind of exchange. If someone stops fulfilling the conditions, then this becomes a reason to end the relationship.
The third scenarioChoosing a partner to declare yourself through him
In this case, we choose a bright, well-known partner who has already realized in life. And then we try to become a part of this person and get satisfaction through his achievements.
A beautiful model, but in life she does not work. No satisfaction comes. Feelings of jealousy, envy, and the need to control a person appear. We are trying to slow down its development. We feel dissatisfaction and our own inferiority next to the leader.
On the other hand, if we choose a partner who, it seems to us, has less social weight and will obey, then we quickly begin to be ashamed of him, get irritated. Finally, it gets boring around him. We are trying to develop it unsuccessfully, and it is painful for both.
It is impossible to stretch a person if he is no longer stretched
You can stabilize such a relationship by developing endurance. That is, to abandon yourself, your size, lifestyle, your needs, tasks, your pleasures, finally, in the name of preserving the expended energy. Or because it’s very scary to abandon a relationship and be alone.
The fourth scenarioChoosing a partner who needs to be saved from something all the time
A very curious model. The one with whom all this happens, as a rule, does not manage to get stronger, it is not possible in the psychological sense to grow up and learn to navigate in the environment. And the one who saves, firstly, understands that he is building vertical relations and compensates for some of his deficits due to such relations. And secondly, this person feels in a special status, because because of the unpredictability of a partner in society, they feel sorry for him.
2. The principle of curiosity
It's time to seriously figure out whether a person really needs a relationship if everything ends in the same: tension, irritation builds up and you really want to break free? Is there another side to the coin?
Of course there is. This is a relationship that comes out of curiosity. A person can afford such a luxury when he himself satisfies his basic needs. Without a doubt, the first difference in such a relationship is that much less control is required, because the partner is not vital, he simply diversifies and enriches life, allowing curiosity to be satisfied.
The distance of such a free relationship allows you to approach, at some point even merge with a person, or, conversely, diverge for a while, like ships at sea. The only question is how much control over this process? If he is not accountable, then you can completely trust your partner and get what you need.
It is also good when it is permissible to move away, increase the distance and do something personal, preserving your life and interests, while admitting that the situation is repeated for another.
In this type of relationship, things are much worse with a margin of patience, because crises exist in any case. At a certain moment, when the tension in the relationship is greater than pleasure, the integrity test comes.
We can stay with a partner, because it is more interesting with him than with others, or we can act in a more dependent way, repeating: "I cannot imagine life without this person, I feel bad, loneliness is terrible." In this case, patience can grow to gigantic proportions, and emotional dependence can turn into pathology.