We Were Raised By Manipulative Parents And We Do The Same. How To Break A Bad Tradition? - Society

Why are parents being manipulated? Of course, there are many reasons like the ones below: feelings of despair and shame. Research noted two attitudes that predicted manipulative parenting behavior: sensitivity to pain and disapproval of negative emotions. The old adage can also apply to parenting: resentful people bully other people. Emotionally abused children are more likely to become parents who copy the “manipulative parent” behavior. Psychologist Olga Romaniv will help you figure out how to get out of the vicious circle and stop being a manipulative parent.

Personal attacks

Manipulating parents try to establish psychological control over their children, reducing their self-esteem. These parents behave as follows: blame their child for the problems of other family members, recall past mistakes, tell the child that he is not a good family member, remind the child of what they did for him, and blame the child for their feelings. …

Consider the following situation. The teenager returns home too late and confronts his parents. Parent: “How could you do this to me? Do you know how much I worry about you? I cannot believe in such irresponsibility on your part. Do you want me to go crazy here ?!"

At first glance, this answer does not seem too unfounded, parents are rightly afraid for the safety of their teenager. But this parent - perhaps unconsciously - exerted psychological pressure on his child, blaming him for his own feelings. The problem here is not that the parent is fabricating these feelings (after all, they are very real), but that the parent is using feelings in an attempt to regain psychological control over their child. This type of manipulation communicates that personal emotions are fair play in family confrontation. You shouldn't be surprised when your child adopts this behavior: “I couldn't help it, you made me so angry. Of course I ran out and slammed the door! What else could I do ?!"

Unacceptable feelings

Devaluing emotions and feelings is an insidious relationship manipulation tactic common in all types of intimate relationships. Teens who have experienced feelings of frustration in their parents report that their manipulative parents finish their sentences, interrupt them, and act as if they know what the child is thinking or feeling.

It would be difficult to find someone completely innocent of devaluing feelings. It is human nature to believe your own feelings while overshadowing the feelings of others. If you feel anger, pain, resentment towards a child, then it is better to be patient - and interpret feelings as a mechanism of self-defense, and not as an attack.

But for adolescents who are just starting to shape their personality, feelings of devaluation from parents can be devastating. This attack occurs in two ways: it damages the parent-child relationship by establishing an emotional hierarchy (the parent's feelings are more important than the child's feelings), and it damages the child's sense of individuality (in that his feelings are real, personal, and important).

Lack of love

Research shows that children form a deep emotional bond with their parents. The warmth and tenderness of physical touch in infancy, the bond between parent and safety. Typically, the relationship between parent and child is perceived as love.

However, for a manipulative parent, an attached love relationship can be used as psychological control. Parents who deprive the child of love as a punishment will avoid glances and stop talking to the child until they get the desired behavior from him.

Neither parent thinks, "How can I use the bond of affection that I formed with my child when he was little to influence and convey what I want." Sometimes parents try other pressure methods first. It turns out that taking the phone out doesn't work, changing the Wi-Fi password doesn't work, and bans on walking too. They feel inadequate, perhaps resentful and clinging to whatever works. They had the last option: withdrawal of love. The solution is to look for the key to solving the problem through close and honest relationships, not through punishment.