Video: "Is There Any Hope That He Will Stop Humiliating Me?" - Relations
Hello. My name is Nastya. My boyfriend and I have been in contact for about a year (he is 27). I began to notice that he was beginning to find fault with me about every little thing. He shows dissatisfaction with the fact that we get up together in the morning (I'm a night owl, he's a morning person). In his opinion, I need to get up before him, and when he wakes up, breakfast should already be on the table and freeze. Although I can do everything while he takes a shower. I forgot to fold his work clothes; I didn't wash the bathroom sink; my rice is too dry; I cut cabbage incorrectly; I don't talk to him the way he would like it … I try to please him in everything, but my boyfriend only notices the little things that lead to quarrels. But about what I do not like about him (scattered socks, torn old home clothes with sagging knees), I am silent - I do not drink. He offered to live together and move to a foreign country. But I have a lot to lose. I thought that I would acquire a loved one, who seemed ideal to me before. Now I am afraid of this. For me, there is nothing worse than listening to this "truth", as I have endured it from my mother. I told him that this tediousness and pickiness offend and humiliate me. In all the fights he always makes me think that I am really bad at cooking, cleaning and not gentle enough with him. He thinks that if he is silent, it will be dishonest. And I have to do everything right. This person is really very good, but his pickiness is very weighing on me. Is there any hope that he will stop humiliating me if there is a conversation in which I can correctly convey everything that I feel? Or do people not change? I know for sure that I cannot stand it. This is now so, and after, I suppose, nit-picking will be more inconceivable.
Anastasia, 22 years old
The young man has hardly changed in his attitude towards you. He still loves you. But he has a model of "family life" in which the wife and the husband have roles defined: the husband is a grumbler, a nagger, a despot, the wife is an angel of patience and goodness. Ask him about his family system - most likely, he copies his father's or mother's behavior. Maybe his mom and dad found fault with him, but he insures himself from repeating the plot like that. Ask, where does he get an idea of this distribution of roles? And tell me how stuffy, disgusting, offensive you are in this role. And ask, are there any chances for both of you to compose some roles that are unique to your, yours? Can he somehow control his tendencies to find fault? If not, then introduce a slightly comic system of "offset" and bonuses. Say that he found fault with you for the "dryness of rice" - it means thatnext time I have to thank you for the "lush" rice. If you forgot - you get a justified opportunity to find fault with him for the scattered socks. If you forgot to thank him for the neatly folded socks, he gets a justified opportunity to find fault with you for the sink in the bathroom. This is both a game and an adult … And more - distribute responsibilities around the house. Up to a written agreement, who is responsible for what and what does. If he insists that housework is only a woman's business, then ask, on what basis? If he is the main earner in your couple and therefore is freed from housework, invite him to familiarize himself with the price list for home economics: how much does a house cook, maid, washing, ironing, etc. cost now … And offer him to pay for your work - either by "barter", or money. And if he starts screaming, accusing you of commercialism, tell him that you sincerely love him - it's true, right? - and in this way you are trying to save your feelings from the toxicity of his everyday behavior. And that you are ready to discuss his ways of salvation …