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Dangerous Ties. 9 Stages Of Destructive Love - Relations
Dangerous Ties. 9 Stages Of Destructive Love - Relations

Video: Dangerous Ties. 9 Stages Of Destructive Love - Relations

Video: Dangerous Ties. 9 Stages Of Destructive Love - Relations
Video: This is Complicated Grief | Kati Morton 2023, April

The first beauty of the university out of pity accepts the courtship of a fellow botanist. Three years later, she sobs in front of him on her knees, begging him not to leave her, agreeing to the role of the third mistress, if only she was allowed to see him once a month

A happy businessman, successfully hiding his connections on the side and not going to destroy the family, starts an affair with a woman who is inferior in all respects not only to his wife, but also to previous lovers. To the complete amazement of those around him, he soon files for divorce and evicts the family from the apartment. His business is slowly falling apart, as is the health of the owner himself, and after five years the young man turns into a real ruin.

Do you think this is possible only in a parallel universe? You are wrong. All the laws of the universe turn upside down when he comes into action - a representative of the "dark triad".

Canadian psychologists Delroy Paulus and Kevin Williams refer to the "triadics":

  • psychopaths,
  • daffodils,
  • Machiavellian.

These people:

  • prone to antisocial behavior, impulsive, heartless and shameless, unable to form sincere attachments;
  • indulge in constant fantasies of their own greatness, alternating with periods of self-deprecation, do not have empathy;
  • manipulators and intriguers strive to achieve their goals at any cost.

There are certain stages of the destructive scenario in which the victim of the "triad" is involved.


At this stage, the predator collects information about the prey. Pages on social networks are studied for months, friends and relatives are being questioned - the aggressor is trying to penetrate the very essence of a person. He wants to understand what kind of partner the victim dreams of in order to play this ideal image in front of her. If the predator communicates directly with the victim, she does not see anything special in him - it is important for him not to give out his real “I” in order to skillfully turn into a fairy-tale prince in the future.

STEP 2 - Seduction

After realizing what role to play, the predator goes into an active offensive. He worships and praises a partner, simultaneously humiliating others or humiliating himself, reads thoughts and foresees the slightest desires. The victim creates the illusion of complete unity, there is an unprecedented feeling of kinship of souls. She falls into euphoria: dreams come true!


It's hard to wear a mask and pretend to be genuinely loving 24 hours a day. Pervert wants to quickly switch to exploiting a partner, and from time to time he checks - is he tightly hooked? At this stage, the victim notices the first alarm bells. A strange outburst of aggression, a sudden disappearance for a couple of days without explanation, suspicious communication with the opposite sex. However, convincing excuses are always found for any claims, and the idyll is restored.


After making sure that the victim is head over heels in love and it will be difficult for her to escape, the predator drops all masks. Ice Soul is a violent shock that knocks the ground out from under the victim's feet and turns their world upside down. The handsome prince, who sang for weeks about how they would live in a house by the sea, raising a wonderful son and a sweetheart daughter, is deeply and not for the first time married, has overgrown with children and is not going to change the state of affairs. The most devoted of the girls declares that it is time to leave - out of the blue, without giving any reason, after a romantic evening. A gentle and affectionate kitten beats up his bunny to head injuries. “She was as pure as snow in winter,” but she turned out to be the most popular woman in the region.


The victim is prostrated with horror and pain: the tale turned into a complete collapse. Or maybe she didn't turn around?.. Or maybe it seemed?.. After all, yesterday everything was so good, can't a person change dramatically in one day? Apparently, a bad period: problems at work, geomagnetic activity and the conjunction of Sirius with Mars. “Maybe I'm really to blame? There was no need to raise my voice because of the broken cymbal. He's so sensitive, so touchy, so he could not resist. I’m a fool, I have brought a good person to assault”.

This is how the victim thinks, grabbing at any straw that will help to swim to the gates of the lost paradise. The predator and the victim change roles: now the latter is ready for anything to be there, and he only allows himself to be served. Pervert celebrates victory and relaxes: he is at the top, he is in a strong position, he dictates his terms. Of course, the abuser (from the Angian abuse - violence) periodically resumes the old romantic days in order to maintain the illusion of the victim: with her proper behavior, she will return happiness to the relationship, and the nightmare will end.

STEP 6 - "Squeezing out juices"

Happiness has come! For a triad, of course. The victim is completely demoralized and resembles a slowly dying wounded animal. After all, no matter how much she tried to improve relations, no matter how much the "beloved" threw false hopes on her for future happiness, everything only gets worse.

Over time, the abuser ceases to bother himself with the illusions of the return of former love - the victim is on the hook, why bother? The goal of this stage is to squeeze the maximum of resources (mental, emotional, material, etc.) out of the unhappy partner.


“From a black sheep - even a tuft of wool,” the “triadnik” reasonably thinks, and therefore he rarely breaks off relations. Investments - no, profit - one hundred percent and more. The predator will condescendingly accept whatever you want to bestow on him: money, praise, service, attention and sympathy … Any resource that the victim is not able to provide, he will easily find on the side. However, if the victim is so de-energized that there is nothing to take from it, the pervert mercilessly leaves it to the mercy of fate. Even if she sold her only apartment to invest in his business. Let us remind you that these people have no conscience.


In front of the environment, the pervert plays an incredible performance of the name of himself, the great, and only those who have entered into close relations with him know his true essence. Things like breakups have a significant drawback for him - the danger of publicity. If the victim starts talking too much, his reputation can be shaken. And the predator begins to cry tearfully into the waistcoat of those around him, painting the horrors of living with such a bad and spoiled person, interpreting the facts in his own way in order to enlist the support of public opinion. Particularly skillful can even transform the environment of the victim, so that she remains without the moral support of relatives and friends.


Sometimes a miracle happens: the victim finds the strength to leave first. The aggressor's rage in such cases is boundless, because the blow fell on his main passion - vanity, and cruel plans were destroyed. He wants only one thing - revenge. Knowing the pain points of the partner, he takes revenge simply brilliantly. He can remember the smallest offense for many years. Stalin, for example, settled scores with all his enemies, recalled everything, starting with childhood grievances.


Since the days of Dr. House, all kinds of pats have become fashionable. Sociopath or psychopath - that sounds proud! Perverts of all stripes are teeming with the popular Game of Thrones - a wake-up call. Even Conan Doyle fans such as Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, taking their Sherlock Holmes into the 21st century, turned him from a pure schizoid to a highly active sociopath. Is psychopathy a sign of modernity?

Narcissistic traits are present in one way or another in almost all of us, but there are about 4% of pure “triadniki” (three quarters of them are men). Each of us at least once in our life has come across a representative of this dark kingdom, sometimes without even suspecting what danger fate has saved him from.

A natural question arises: why are they doing this? The line between different types of triad is thin, in one person there may be traits of both a Machiavellian, and a psychopath, and a narcissist. In its roughest generalization, we can say this:

The Machiavellians crawl into our hearts and souls to use them for some of their own purposes: to get a residence permit, to take away part of a business, to get help with their studies or a round-the-clock home service. For the sake of such buns, they are ready to sell themselves even to Satan, not to mention to flatter a gullible person a little. Sociopathic Herman in "The Queen of Spades" reasons like this: “Why not try your luck? Introduce herself to her, befriend her - perhaps become her lover - but it all takes time - and she is eighty-seven years old - she might die in a week, - in two days! " And if the victim is not 87, but at least 78, the matter is greatly simplified!

Narcissists may have a slight feeling of being in love. It is important, however, to understand the structure of his personality. The true "I" of the narcissist is atrophied, but there is an abundance of "I" grandiose: the accumulation of fantasies about oneself. He introduces himself as a handsome, superman, future leader of the Forbes list. For the narcissist, the partner is just a means to strengthen the grandiose self. The main thing is that the trophy should be recognized as socially significant (the first beauty of the village, the owner of a red Lexus or a red diploma). Often a predator is looking for in a partner those qualities that he himself would like to possess - a cheerful disposition, intelligence, charm. Entering into a relationship, he seems to absorb some of these qualities. Therefore, many victims already after the breakup feel sucked out, as if an important part of their personality was taken from them.

Real sincere feelings seem insipid and boring to the narcissist - he definitely needs a drama with throwing things out of the window and intending to throw things there after things: so he has a chance to feel at least something. Simple "human" feelings terrify and rage the vampire - after all, they are addressed to his true, and not the grandiose "I". A beautiful golden statue dissolves into the air, and in its place there is a small gnarled dwarf - such feelings the narcissist experiences when you say: "You are the same person, like everyone else, but I love you." He would prefer to hear: “The mankind has never given birth to such as you and will never give birth again”, even if his only talent is skillful tying of shoelaces.

Psychopaths are bored with life - they are adrenaline addicted. That is why they drive 200 km / h in the city center, start a brawl in front of a police station, or try increasingly sophisticated drugs. The simultaneous seduction of several girls, and even under the noses of their husbands, can briefly cheer up a psychopath and introduce intrigue into his life. And how it raises self-esteem!

Of course, "triadic" are well disguised, otherwise there would not have been so many broken hearts and destinies. How to recognize that your beloved is a predator? What if you find yourself in a destructive relationship? Read about it in the article "In bed with the enemy".


Monster Practicality

In the modern world, the line is blurred between norm and pathology, health and ill health in its various manifestations. This applies to both individual personality traits and the sphere of relationships, including love ones. Dishonesty was called "practicality", use - "expediency." If the patient becomes a person, this is her individual tragedy. If a society loses its moral guidelines and clear boundaries, this is a global tragedy. The trouble of our time is not that there are narcissists, psychopaths, asocial psychopaths, etc. The trouble is that their behavior is often perceived by society as the norm. A healthy body must have sufficient immunity to reject what may harm it. So it is important for society to keep its boundaries. A reminder that "no one else will shake hands"can keep from many unseemly actions. Those who behave dishonestly in their personal lives were once not accepted "in a decent society." But if the people around them are ready to forgive, justify, ignore unseemly behavior, they thereby encourage it. And then we ourselves give rise to monsters that devour us.

Irina Solovieva, practical psychologist, specialist in body-oriented psychotherapy, bodynamics, art therapy, work with addictive behavior

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