The Game Of Silence. How To Talk To A Partner Who Does Not Want To Sort Things Out - Relations

You may remember that in elementary school, girls and boys used to play in different groups. Girls (like boys) also tend to sit at a desk with same-sex friends in class and play in same-sex groups on the playground. Children’s best friends are almost always same-sex peers. This tendency persists into our adult life and can negatively affect romantic relationships. Quite often, the reasons why a partner is not ready to discuss existing problems originates precisely from childhood. How to talk to a partner who does not want to sort things out? Family psychologist Olga Romaniv will tell you more about this

Gender scholars refer to these sex-segregated groups as separate worlds and stress the importance of socializing peers across gender boundaries. Mutual understanding of the sexes is formed in the early stages of development. Parents and other adults also play a large role in socializing children and shaping their behavior.

However, the main socialization still occurs more often in same-sex peer groups. Through this process, girls and boys learn to interact with peers in different ways and usually feel comfortable with these different interaction styles. From here, already in adulthood, a common problem begins when one or both partners prefer to talk about relationships with friends, but not with each other.

This is especially true for men, since they are more often held hostage to the cultural stereotype, according to which talking about feelings is not a man's business

Gender differences in talking about issues are very strong. A greater tendency of women to talk to their girlfriends about their problems develops in elementary school and persists into adulthood. Girls often have expectations that disclosure is an integral part of intimate relationships, while boys have expectations that disclosure is not so necessary, which drives both sexes to disappointment in relationships.

How to talk? Start your conversation right

Since you've taken responsibility for harmonizing communication in a relationship into your own hands, start by conveying to your partner the importance of discussing what's going on in your couple. It may sound like this: “I love you and I am very sorry that you close when I bring up some topics. But I also want us to have a close and lasting relationship. But if we keep quiet about many things, our relationship could crack. An abyss will appear between us. Our communication can help both of us."

Respect personal space and do not push

If your partner reacts negatively to your calls to talk, they may just lack personal space. Even at the beginning of a relationship, when there are such manifestations, boundaries should be set immediately. You have to tell each other what you can and cannot do.

Each person needs personal space and this need must be respected. If you are used to invading your partner's personal space, even with romantic intentions, and breaking boundaries on a regular basis, irritation will build up daily until it crashes. This is an important point that requires special sensitivity and patience from both the woman and the man. Spouses must learn to feel when a partner needs to be alone, when it is worth giving him a break and not to meddle in his affairs and thoughts, and so on. Without this, you and your significant other will simply annoy each other and over time, the relationship can crack.

See a psychotherapist

If your partner nevertheless shuts down from the conversation and cannot give in, you can make an appointment with a psychologist and describe the situation in a preliminary conversation. Fear not, quite often this kind of problem is solved in one or two sessions. In couples therapy, a good therapist will definitely show you a way of communication that will work for both spouses and will help you open up to each other.

If your partner rejects any offers, you have tried all the ways, but still do not know how to get him to talk, it is worth contacting a therapist. You can make an appointment for personalized therapy if your husband doesn't want to go with you. In any case, the specialist will give you the correct keys.