How To Straighten A Relationship When One Loves And The Other Allows Himself To Be Loved? - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

I immediately want to warn some readers: I have nothing to please you. Any psychologist will tell you that the question itself sounds absurd, although we are constantly asked it. The fact that in a relationship one always loves, and the other only allows himself to be loved - this is the same toxic stereotype as "beats means he loves." In fact, no relationship can be called harmonious in the absence of reciprocity. Let's see why this is happening

First of all, it is important to note that, as a rule, people who initially have a psychological predisposition to a lack of reciprocity fall into such relationships. Here, as in most problems of gender relations, one should look for the cause in childhood. The lack of parental love in childhood is reflected in adult life: a person enters into a relationship with the same lack of love for himself and perceives this situation as the norm.

Opposite events form an equally unhealthy view of the relationship in the second participant of such a dysfunctional couple, and only because of this they basically find each other and decide that they have a future. But in fact, such a relationship is a trap from which it is very difficult to get out without loss.

One who loves

Firstly, in a couple where feelings are not mutual, the one who loves will constantly invest in this relationship and only give, give, give. The stock of resources, primarily emotional, for each person is exhausted. Sooner or later this will lead to burnout, especially considering that all these efforts are wasted, because love is either there or not.

In addition, each person always knows whether his feelings are mutual, even if he tries to deceive himself. This inner awareness makes it harder to continue the relationship every day. Painful self-examination begins, a person looks for a reason in himself, dwells on his shortcomings, tries to change something, and at the same time, against the background of falling self-esteem, it becomes increasingly difficult to make a decision to leave.

One who allows himself to be loved

What happens at this time to the one who “allows himself to be loved”? Basically, these people initially enter into relationships in order to take and not give anything in return. However, this does not mitigate the fact that you have to share your life with a person for whom there is no love. Even if there is sympathy, sooner or later it dries up and gives way to indifference. No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to force yourself to fall in love with the other, even if this other manifests itself from the best side and, at first glance, meets all the internal criteria of an ideal partner.

Then irritation builds up. The partner's intrusive attention, signs of love and attention begin to be perceived as hostile. The other partner is constantly looking for confirmation of the reciprocity of his feelings, and the realization that he cannot give reciprocity is also painful for him. From this further follows only a gradual increase in tension and devaluation of everything that is and was between these people.

Is there a future?

Summing up, I want to say that if at the very beginning such a model of relations can give a couple ghostly satisfaction, then the future of such a relationship is always vague and gloomy. These relationships can be harmonized only for a while, but solving one problem, you will rather quickly have to move on to another, and so on ad infinitum.

Still, you cannot force yourself or another person to feel, especially when it comes to love. This is an unhealthy scheme and if you find yourself in it, you need to not only get out of this relationship before it's too late, but also see a therapist who will give you clues to the situation and help you find a way to build a healthy relationship.

"Love is a game that two can play and both can win" - always remember this and respect yourself, your feelings and your time

Relationships are mutual and equal exchange. If you always adhere to this rule, your chances of success in family life will be much higher.