Why Did You Deny Yourself The Right To Happiness? And How To Fix It - Self-development

Who among us to the question "Do you have the right to be happy ?!" will seriously answer “No! I do not deserve this"? In practice, however, people quite often deny themselves the right to happiness. They cannot take care of their psychological safety, do not know how to protect their own boundaries and resist manipulation

Seven rose bushes

“Yes, of course, I have the right to be happy,” my client says judiciously, “a pretty thirty-year-old woman, mother of two children. - But after I make everyone else happy: children, parents, husband …

And here's another young woman - lively, looking much younger than her thirty-five.

- Yes, I have the right to be happy! But not at the expense of others!

- And what does it mean "at the expense of others"?

- Well, if my man, for example, is unhappy with this. Or if something else is important to my child …

Doesn't it look like anything? I immediately remember the tale of Cinderella. Before going to the ball, you need to mop the floors, plant seven rose bushes and get to know yourself. Now many will just shrug their shoulders: “Everything is correct, but how else ?! First you need to think about the welfare of your loved ones, and then about your own."

What does this turn into in practice?

- In order to fulfill my desire, I must first find a sufficient justification. For example, to tell myself that if I do not arrange an evening of rest for myself now, I will turn into a shrew and the whole family will be worse from this.

- Can't it work without an excuse?

- No, no way. Intellectually understand that I have the right to desire. But something inside says: “What are the whims of a little girl ?! You are a wife and mother! You should think about your family, and not about some nonsense like your hobbies!"

This young, beautiful and outwardly prosperous woman came with complaints of obsessive thoughts of suicide. Moreover, without any signs of clinical depression.

Am I a trembling creature?

Happiness is definitely a complex concept. But still this is the state when you feel good. You see a lot of details and circumstances that you would like to change, but in general, your life is going as it should. Can you be happy if you are walking on a channel paved with other people's dreams? To some extent, of course, yes.

So, for example, at the time of falling in love, it is common for a person to forget about their desires and be inspired by the ideas of another person. Mothers of young children also make pretty adjustments in their lives to meet the baby's needs. However, they can be quite happy. But time passes, and with it falling in love, children grow up and the question arises again: "What can fill life now?"

To be in your place, you need to understand what kind of place it is. To do your own thing, you need to know what it is. To be with your people, it is worth deciding who these people are.

Very often people in their attempts to answer these questions find an obstacle - the lack of confidence that they have the right to "their place", "their business", "their dreams." The simplest example is managing your time and space.

Own place

This is not just a metaphorical concept, not just your calling or your country. It is also your retreat, the environment in which you live and work. How cozy and comfortable do you feel in it? Not really? Why haven't they changed anything so far? Haven't you removed your annoying poster from the wall and hung up your mood photos? Why do you work at such an uncomfortable desk? Where is your workplace? Still not, although you are a freelancer? Are you that comfortable?

Its time

Do you have the right to do your business first, and then fulfill the request of another (unless, of course, we are talking about life and death, about a cup of broth to the patient's bedside, etc.)? And such questions arise constantly when it comes to borders, countering manipulation, and security.

Sometimes it comes to the point that a girl cannot scream and call for help during an attack on her. And this is not a joke: “It was difficult for me to shout because I was afraid to scare people. I believed that I had to get out of this situation on my own, and not bother others,”said my friend. Is your life so valuable that you need to call for help to save it? Or is the rest of other people more expensive?

Here and now

Our rights to our place, time, dreams come true only here and now. If you have the right to be happy, this happens every moment of your life. Not after scrubbing the floors, planting seven rose bushes, educating children, etc.

Is your time, your convenience, your joy so important? Can you afford to hurt yourself? Do you use the phrases "I will not lose it, but the person is pleased!" or "Well, it's not difficult for me - why refuse"? Often our joys are not entirely the joy of our loved ones. There are many nuances here - how to differentiate the interests of different people, how to find compromises between what is desired and what is necessary. But here it is important to understand what will be the starting point in your quest: your right to happiness, or the idea that your happiness is not too important compared to the well-being of others.

I do not presume to assert that the second truth is somehow worse than the first. But choosing it, you should understand what you are going for. You have to be honest: The Fairy Godmother will not show up and reward you for your obedience. You are the only Fairy in your tale.

Photo: © Volodina Olga / Photobank Lori