Confluence Is A Modern Disease Of Love - Relationships, Self-development

We ate. We have taken the first step. Our first tooth has grown. Speeches that touch and make you smile. After all, a cute creature with chubby cheeks immediately pops up in the imagination. We are finishing 9th grade. We just can't choose where to go. What? We?? At such moments, I feel very sad. I would like to come up, bang on the head and say: “What are we ?! Are you out of your mind? Your child is 16 years old. " This is how people start having problems in relations with this incomprehensible word “confluence”.

What is confluence

Confluence is the merging of a person with another person. When you are not there, you merge with the other so much that you begin to live not your own life, but his. Remember the Runaway Bride with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. The roots of this problem go back to childhood.

For a baby and a mother, being in fusion is a necessary condition for a full life of the child. Until a certain age, this is a vital necessity. But then a gradual distance between the mother and the child begins. And by a certain age, the child should become a separate independent person, and the mother should continue to live her life. This process is called separation.

To remove an unhealthy fusion both in the relationship between children and parents, and in subsequent relationships between partners, it is necessary to be an independent full-fledged person. You need to have your own opinion, be able to rely on yourself, have a normal self-esteem, have hobbies and interests. In general, live your full life. And for this, as practice shows, you need courage.

This is a paradox: were we born so that we could live for someone? First, we live for mom and realize her unrealized dreams and fears. Then we, like a baton, pass into the hands of a partner and realize his fantasies and dreams. The inability to accept ourselves prevents us from being a self for ourselves. Hence such difficulties at the moment when our partner leaves us. We are faced with the feeling “ I am not". As in a cartoon: if you are not there, then I am not. Think about this phrase for a second! Imagine: your partner is gone and you disappeared. You were wiped off the face of the earth. This is your choice. And you do it every day. By agreeing to go to the cinema, not thinking about which film, not listening to your feelings, you slowly but surely take away a piece from yourself and throw it to the sidelines of life. Imagine yourself assembled from Lego pieces. One part is colored blue, the other red, green, yellow. But your pieces are only one color, everything else is where you merge. Now remove all unnecessary and leave only your color. What's left of you?

How to check if you are merging with someone or not?

Who am I? Tell us about yourself:

• What do you like, why? Favorite movie, director, book, dish, drink, eye color, clothing color, flower, tree, hobbies, etc. How stable does it all remain from partner to partner?
• How quickly do you agree to any suggestions for spending time? Why?
• Did your hobbies change with the change of partner? For example, at first you were a fan of hockey because the guy played hockey, then you suddenly fell in love with cycling.
• When choosing a partner, are you always fond of someone who has hobbies and interests? Do you start all that he says to watch, read, do? Do you know your partner and their habits better than yourself?

If confluence or merging is about you, and you feel sad from the realization, you have a chance to fix everything. This is a difficult, painful path, but it is finite and surmountable.

How to recover from confluence

1. The first step on this path is to take responsibility for your actions and choices on yourself. Note that in addition to the pleasant feeling of unity, the pronoun "we" has a division of responsibility. Whatever happens, you can always at least in your head shift the responsibility onto someone else. Also, "we" saves from loneliness and conflict. And you pay with just a lack of freedom and dependence.

2. The second step is to start exploring yourself. When you are offered something, take a break and check whether you want it now or not.

3. The third step - find the differences between yourself and your partner, between yourself and everyone else.

4. Fourth step - use "I", "you".

One of the reasons it is painful to exit a merger is the fear of losing intimacy. But overcoming this fear, you get a bonus in the form of yourself and a new bright relationship on an equal footing, as a person with a person. Second bonus: if you break up, you will lose your partner, but you will remain with you. And this, believe me, is a lot!