Table of contents:
- Our personal space and communication with the outside world are indicated by a certain feature, which we call personal boundaries. All our contacts, communication, interactions take place exactly on this line. They are not visible, but quite tangible. Personal boundaries can be both physical and psychological. For example, if a stranger tries to hug you, you will experience obvious discomfort, no matter how tactile you are. Of course, there is no such distance with close people. These are boundaries that we can physically sense
- Why did we give up the key to the personal border?
- Your border has been violated
- What to do
Video: Keys To A Personal Boundary. How To Protect Your Privacy - Self-development, Society
2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18
Our personal space and communication with the outside world are indicated by a certain feature, which we call personal boundaries. All our contacts, communication, interactions take place exactly on this line. They are not visible, but quite tangible. Personal boundaries can be both physical and psychological. For example, if a stranger tries to hug you, you will experience obvious discomfort, no matter how tactile you are. Of course, there is no such distance with close people. These are boundaries that we can physically sense
The situation is more complicated with the boundaries, the strength of which cannot be checked by tactile contact. Psychologically, personal boundaries are our inner space, our desires and thoughts, experiences, principles and attitude. How can we understand and stop attempts to violate our psychological boundaries?
Why did we give up the key to the personal border?
It often happens that we ourselves are to blame for violating our borders. Unconsciously, we hand over the key to them, and then we feel powerful discomfort and wonder what went wrong.
Of course, personal boundaries are formed in childhood. If you have been faced with the constant devaluation and disregard of your personal space, you are unlikely to learn to defend it. Rather, you yourself are trying to cross other people's boundaries in order to achieve your goal - because this is exactly the example you were shown in childhood.
Also of great importance is the fact that at the beginning of any relationship we ourselves try to shorten the distance, please, do something pleasant and erase our own boundaries
At this moment, we do not realize where our space ends and someone else's begins. This is normal behavior. But the relationship is developing, and we are surprised to notice that your lifestyle is different, your points of view are opposite on some issues, and you no longer want to adjust.
Therefore, all our problems with peers, parents, friends are a fact of violation of personal boundaries, which at some point we did not manage to protect.
How to understand from our own behavior that personal space is violated on our own initiative?
- You continue relationships with those you dislike. You explain this with anything you like: good breeding, work necessity, long-term friendship, family relations.
- You don't know how to refuse. You think you need to help everyone. If you think about it, you do not have enough energy and time, but you still rush to save the world. Fear lurks behind such altruism.
- You don't know how to ask for help. You are ashamed, uncomfortable and a million more reasons.
- You try to be the perfect partner. Ignore your own needs, try to guess all the desires of your partner. At the same time, you feel that you are not allowed close anyway and there is no reciprocity in the relationship.
- You don't know how to fight back. You give up before the impudent request to take your personal belongings, give it away and get madly angry at the same time.
- You are extremely sensitive to criticism. You think that they are slandering you, do not hear reasonable remarks and take everything as a personal insult.
- You are annoyed. This is your constant state - with or without reason. With a full norm of physical health, this sign literally screams that the psyche is not in order.
- You are not sure of yourself. It is easier for you to join the opinion of the majority than to express your own. It is very easy to convince you. You want to be liked, and you've decided that agreeing is the best way.
If some points are close to you, then you need to accept that your boundaries are violated. Realize that you do not understand where your space is and where someone else's.
Your border has been violated
It is possible to fix a violation of the psychological space not only by one's own behavior, but also by the manner of communication of others.
You are manipulated and violated if:
- Taking care of you too much. They try to teach something new, give you unnecessary gifts, point out what is better for you to do, what to read, what to eat and with whom to communicate.
- Replace your point of view with their own. "You thought you were very emotional." "I know better about it because I'm older." "Come on, I will speak for everyone, otherwise they cannot clearly articulate."
- Restrain your sensory manifestations of personality through emotions. Devalue your interests and desires. "This is a completely idiotic plan, nothing will come of it." "Of course, only you listen to such stupid songs."
- They manipulate the accusation. "Now you give me a headache." "I was very ashamed of your behavior."
- They deny your achievements and, in fact, you as a person. Here, the classic of the genre is male depreciation: “Why do you need this job, nothing will work, it’s better to stay at home, take care of the children”.
- You are being ignored. This can be manifested in a look of arrogance, arrogance and indifference. Just when you need help and support. In childhood, they choose what to do for you, ignoring your desires: “What kind of football? You will play the violin! " In moments of important life choices, they try to put pressure on you with a sense of duty or guilt: “We are all successive doctors, what law school ?!”. "He is not at all from our circle, do not disgrace the family, do you want your grandmother to feel bad with her heart?" The offender sincerely believes that his arguments are logical and correct, and wonders why they do not listen to him. At the same time, perhaps he is right, but the fact of a gross violation of your space negates all good messages.
What to do
We are constantly violating our own and others' boundaries. Of course, this is morally unacceptable, and it is necessary to clearly understand the line that cannot be crossed without consent.
What if you have already made a pedestrian crossing from your stop line and created busy traffic?
- Clearly define for yourself what your personal space is. These are: your personal belongings, personal time, personal physical space, personal values and views. This is something that no one has the right to claim, and only you have control over it. Create your own rules. This will help you clearly understand what you want and what is unacceptable for you. Describe your weekdays and weekends, remember your personal plans. Identify your own desires.
- Learn to say no. We do not know how to refuse for several reasons: fear of losing relationships, unwillingness to seem ill-mannered, lack of confidence in ourselves. The fact is that by wasting time on endless extraneous requests, you are depriving yourself of this time. Refusal will not affect sincere relationships and sympathies in any way. In any other case, they are trying to control you.
- Don't make excuses. By constantly apologizing and making excuses, you prove your guilt and "invite" the person to move your boundaries even more. You have every right not to explain to anyone the reasons for your refusal. “I just don’t want to” - yes, you can.
- Stop feeling delightful guilt. Of course, there is a kind of secondary benefit here. Nevertheless, feeling infinitely guilty, you devalue yourself as a person and forget that you are the most precious thing you have.
Unprotected personal boundaries lead to the fact that outsiders endlessly burst into your personal space, take up your time, deprive you of what you dear and want, devalue your emotions and feelings.
The reverse side of the coin is too rigid a line between oneself and the whole world, which leads to social alienation and isolation
As in all areas of life, harmony is important here. Of course, you are the main person in yourself and your own space must be respected and protected. But at the same time, appreciate and care for those who are truly important and significant in your life. Caring for your own boundaries, try not to overstep strangers.