5 Patterns Stopping Us From Building Happy Relationships - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

The sphere of romance in our life is the most exciting and at the same time incredibly confusing. In theory, everything is simple - two meet, get closer, realize that they like each other and decide to go through life together - they have an eternal happy relationship. Why does it often go wrong in practice?

There may be an infinite number of reasons for the fact that mutual sympathy did not result in "happily ever after". Each case is unique in its own way, and the universal textbook "Happy Relationship" has never been written. And although interest in this issue at all times remains invariably high, no one has yet formulated a single method of building a happy life together that works always and for everyone. And if we haven’t come up with a simple formula “as it should”, we have accumulated a wealth of experience in what is absolutely not worth doing.

5 mistakes that prevent us from building happy relationships

1. Stereotypes

Any practicing psychologist will confirm that if during the consultation the conversation is about relationship problems, sooner or later the word "should / should" will be heard. “A real man should pay the bill on a date, a wife should cook dinner and take care of the children,” “if she loves me, she should forget about her friends,” “he should be interested in my affairs,” “a girl should be feminine.”

Problems always appear where, instead of a keen interest in your partner, you present a certain checklist of expectations and beliefs

What to do?

This does not mean that you need to turn into an "omnivorous" creature. Just stop for a while and think about which of your beliefs are really important to you, and which ones you have unconsciously absorbed, inherited from senior significant people, society and the media. In the course of communication, listen carefully to yourself, evaluate in the moment how much suits you what is happening. And, of course, whenever possible, try to discuss your thoughts with your partner, clarify and test your hypotheses before making a final decision about your relationship.

2. Belief in "Ideal Relationships"

Sometimes a happy partnership is hampered by the fantasy that there are some kind of "ideal relationship" in which everything goes smoothly, without problems and difficulties. This is a continuation of the myth about the only "soul mate" - a person who is absolutely suitable for you. In fact, even in the happiest unions, there are unpleasant moments, quarrels and disagreements. The dream of an ideal relationship, unfortunately, can lead to the fact that at the slightest misunderstanding you can refuse a relationship that could have been happy.

What to do?

Don't look for an absolute match. It is impossible. The key to a happy relationship can be the concept of a “good enough” union. Focus on whether you are comfortable with a person, whether you are more often happy than unhappy, whether you want to be with him, whether you are interested in being together. If you are happy and happy 70% of your time with your loved one, chances are you are on the right track.

3. Desire to teach and save

There is another destructive belief in a happy relationship - I can change my partner. “So what if she looks bright and flirts, so she will love me and become more modest” / “This is now all weekend with his friends, either at football or in a bar, get married, family will come first”. Love, undoubtedly, can greatly change a person, shift his priorities, affect values. However, this process lends itself very little to outside influence. You cannot control it. If he wants, he will change, at the same time as he wants. Everything else is manipulation and violence, and that's not what happy alliances are built on.

What to do?

Be in a relationship with a real person, and not with his invented improved image in your head. If you don't like something about your partner, soberly assess whether you can put up with it throughout your relationship. If not, it might just not be your person.

4. Belief in the immutability of feelings

Being in a happy partnership can also be hindered by the belief that you can enter into a relationship once and for all. That if words of love are said, now it is unchanged, if promises are given, they cannot be broken under any circumstances. We all want to live in a safe, protected world, we like to think that there are immutable things in the world. Unfortunately, these things don't include human feelings.

Relationships are always very dynamic, they cannot be cast in bronze

They need air to stay alive. This does not mean that long and happy relationships are impossible. Just imagine that every time you have a new meeting with your partner and the relationship changes, acquires new colors.

What to do?

Be aware of what is happening between you and your partner in the here and now. At each meeting, try to focus on the real state of affairs, on actual feelings and needs. If you are considerate of yourself and your loved one, the chances of building a long, happy relationship will increase significantly.

5. Patience and deception

Cheating and insincerity is not the best basis for a happy partnership. Having a certain amount of flexibility is useful for making contact with others. But if for the sake of a relationship you have to radically change or hide a significant part of your personality, this is a worrying sign. Building a happy relationship by hiding, pretending, and manipulating is impossible. By cheating, you do not so much harm your partner as doom yourself to a joyless life full of pretense and falsehood. It’s even worse if, for the sake of the relationship, you have to endure the unpleasant and adjust to the unsuitable.

What to do?

Taking the risk of being yourself in the relationship from the start. It's almost impossible if you don't know who you are

Self-discovery is a great foundation for building healthy and happy relationships. Individual or group psychotherapy can help you with this.