“I Want A Family With Him, But He Has A Dirty Past ” - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

One of my colleagues asked me to talk to her friend Alena. When people come to me "by acquaintance", I try to start work from scratch, having no idea. So Alena, a pretty brunette, about 23-25 years old, was in my office and began her story.

ALENA: I grew up early, and at the age of 10 my mother died. My father could not replace this warmth, which I missed so much. From that time on, I raised myself. I do not smoke, I do not drink, I lead a healthy lifestyle, I try not to give up and strive for something, namely, a family that I have never had. And now for several years now I have a dream - to create such a family, which I missed. Namely, friendly, loving, full-fledged …

While Alena spoke, I watched her. She felt strength, confidence, almost masculine assertiveness. It is not easy to work with such clients - they are one of those who defend their own point of view to the end, not allowing themselves to doubt their own conclusions. As a rule, they come to get confirmation: "I am right in everything."

YULIA VASILKINA: Well, the goal of creating a family is worthy of its embodiment. So…

A.: But for some reason, no matter how much I wanted it, nothing comes of it. When I build relationships with young people with a perspective of the future, they necessarily fall apart. I do not understand what is the reason? Either there is something wrong in me, or in them.

Yu. V.: Tell us about unsuccessful attempts. Who initiated the end of the relationship?

A.: Over the past two years, I had two, as it seemed to me, serious novels. I do not need an "easy" relationship, I always think whether this person could be my husband or not. Both novels lasted for about six months, and both times young people ended their relationship with the words "I am not worthy of you." Unfortunately, by this moment I was beginning to think the same way, so I parted without any special worries.

Yu. V.: What do you have in your personal life now?

A.: Now I have been living for two months with a young man with whom everything seems to be getting better. But we often have conflict situations over my behavior.

Yu. V.: What, in his opinion, is wrong in your behavior?

A.: No, in my behavior everything is so! It's just that I often, as he says, "drink" it. But in order to start a family, I must be completely confident in him.

Yu. V.: Are there reasons for mistrust?

A.: The fact is that before me he lived a riotous life: a lot of girls, groups of friends, constant parties, clubs. I suspect that he now lacks this, and secretly from me he communicates with girls.

Alena paused, looking meaningfully at me. She didn't look alarmed, rather indignant. Our conversation had been going on for a long time, and the girl had never once mentioned the name of her friend. Some kind of impersonal attitude. For me, this is a sign: not everything is well in a relationship.

А.: Of course, he says that he loves me and also wants a family, a serious relationship. He is 25 years old. But one thing confuses me: he continues to communicate on Odnoklassniki and Vkontakte, saves all the photos of former girls. I don't understand what all this is for, why. He chose a new life, so it should be from scratch with me, without this dirty past.

The phrase "dirty past" has cut my ears. It is necessary to find out in more detail whether this past is really so "dirty".

Yu. V.: Alena, please specify what exactly was in his past in order to speak like that?

A.: Maybe I compare with myself, but I always tried not to waste my time on trifles. I started working early: I worked during the day, studied in the evening. I had no time to even think about entertainment or clubs. And he was under the wing of dad and mom, while he studied at the technical school, did not work, only had fun. Until he met with me, every evening after work he spent in the company of his friends and "easy giving" girls. But I tried to forgive all this.

Yu. V.: And now you …

A.: I explain and explained to him many times that I will not allow his past life to be present in my life: photos, contacts, etc. But he does not understand why I feel this way. Conflicts begin. Please help me figure it out, maybe I'm really wrong myself?

Obviously, Alena was waiting for only one thing: confirmation of the correctness of her own position. Well, sometimes you have to disappoint customers. My professional position is honesty.

Yu. V.: Well, I must say, Alena, that if this goes on, then this relationship will come to naught. It is unacceptable to interfere in the life of a partner at the level of “now I will decide who you communicate with”. You are now rudely invading your partner's personal space. For some reason you decided that you “forgive” him for his “dirty” past, but now you will decide for him.

A.: I want to eliminate his past so that it does not interfere with us, so that he does not return to him!

Yu. V.: The past is something that cannot be changed. The past is the foundation of the present. Whatever his past is, it's a part of him. Only he can judge what it was. And only the person himself chooses how to live on. I believe that the same thing happened in the previous relationship: men could not stand being “forgiven” for what they were not guilty of, and are trying to remake what cannot be changed. If he leaves you, you will, of course, be in the illusion that he was unworthy, that he chose a "dirty" existence instead of a "friendly, full-fledged, loving family." You idealize yourself too much by belittling your partner. It seems to give you the right to dominate the relationship, to dispose of in his life. But you are just the same person, no better and no worse.

А.: But I really want to make my dream of the family I live in a reality!

Yu. V.: You act as if your partner is not equal to you. It's like he's just a piece of the plan, like a Ken doll that you can dress up, put in a toy car - and keep everything under control. You need to learn to respect the person you are with. If initially you cannot respect, because of the past or other parameters, it is better to look for a "worthy" one. Or take a more realistic look at the world, men and yourself.

Alena tried not to give up her tough positions. In the end, she thanked sparingly for the consultation, although she said that she would have something to think about.

PS: Six months later, it turned out that Alena, on her own initiative, parted with that young man. A new chosen one from a very good family, successful in his career. Alena said that she was trying to look for his shortcomings too, but she remembers “what the psychologist told her,” and stops herself. Well, it means that we did not waste our time then.