Checklist For Compatibility Of Partners At The Beginning Of A Relationship - Relations

Often partners complain that their loved one has changed over time, that at the beginning of the relationship he / she was different. But in fact, everything that can no longer be ignored over time is visible at the beginning. Only in the period of falling in love is so tempting to believe in beauty that sometimes people do not notice the obvious things. You can use a compatibility checklist

But if you see reality as it is, then there is more understanding how a person suits you, what difficulties there are and whether it is possible to overcome them. A vision of reality will help you make the right choice and will not give you unnecessary reasons for painful disappointment from your unfulfilled hopes and illusions. There are always some complications in a relationship, and that's okay.

It is important that the percentage of difficulties is significantly less than the percentage of the resource and positive part of the relationship

In the beginning there was a word

If you want to know a person and his intentions, just listen to him. No matter how trite it may sound, but often we put our meaning in the words of another.

In Anand Tucker's film The Saleswoman, a girl tells her friends about her lover's gifts. She believes that he loves her. At the same time, the young man, communicating with his psychoanalyst, reports: he explained to the girl that they could not have anything serious and that she heard him and agreed to these conditions.

Unfortunately, it often happens that people live as if in parallel universes, each with their own vision of the situation. And it's better to see reality as early as possible: the further the relationship goes, the more painful it will be to get out of it.

What can you say about the phrase "I'm looking for a girl who will love me"?

At least the fact that a person is more inclined towards consumption. You shouldn't expect him to care for you as much as you care for him. And the compatibility checklist won't come in handy here. After all, the first thing he mentioned was the need to love HIM, and not to love him.

The young man describes the girl he would like to see as a partner: “I am looking for a girl: slim, long-haired, preferably dancing. Determined for a serious relationship. " Perhaps he is capable of spiritual intimacy, but his description suggests that a woman for him consists only of a set of external data, and a certain template of this picture is set.

Needless to say that, most likely, it will be difficult for him to see a person in a woman. Most likely, he will not be very interested in your inner world and spiritual closeness. And if this is important to you, it will become a stumbling block.

There is a whole category of people who, in adulthood, call themselves Vovan, Maksimka, Lenusik. Only one such self-presentation can be said that a person became fixed in adolescence, he is characterized by infantilism. And this suggests that it is difficult for him to take responsibility for himself.

From the book of Valentina Moskalenko "Addiction: a family disease"

- Do you remember what words your future husband used to declare his love to you?

- No, he didn't say any words. I kissed, and I realized that he loved me.

- And with what words did he propose to you?

- He said he could not live without me. He also said, "I need you."

The future alcoholic was accurate. He really needed such a supportive wife, he really couldn't live and drink without her. The words “I can’t live without you”, “I need you” expressed not so much the strength of his love as the strength of his dependence.

“My husband is another child of mine, underdeveloped. I picked it up exactly in the place where Mommy left it. Until the age of 20, my mother followed him like a little child, and then I did it,”says the wife of an alcoholic, 43-year-old Galina, a teacher at a vocational school.

Three-point compatibility checklist

1. Attitude towards others

It's important to listen to what the person says about other people, relationships in general, and yours in particular. If he speaks disrespectfully of previous partners or allows himself offensive remarks towards the opposite sex, and admires you, you should not delude yourself that you are a happy exception. Very soon you will also come under fire.

This is how the mechanism of idealization works; ascension to the pedestal will necessarily be followed by depreciation. A person almost always returns to his usual patterns of behavior, that is, if he does not generally respect people, then this will affect you too sooner or later.

2. Nature and values

Man is a multi-layered being. We have character - as a system of adaptations to the outside world. This is a familiar way of responding to the world and its frustrations. Sometimes it is also said that character is the garment of the soul. And if in a couple difficulties arise at the level of characters, then if desired and joint efforts they can be solved. Perhaps this will be a development for both partners.

Our values lie deeper than character. And if there are discrepancies at this level, it is unlikely that the couple will be able to coexist. If one of the partners follows ethical norms, and the other is unprincipled, it will be very difficult for the couple to understand and accept each other.

Fritz Haber was one of the main developers of chemical weapons during the First World War. His wife, Clara Immervar, was also a talented chemist, but rumored to have been unable to survive her husband becoming the "father of chemical weapons." Fritz Haber was personally present at the first use of chemical weapons during the Battle of Ypres. Clara committed suicide shortly after his return.

Sharing values is the basis for a healthy relationship

3. Borders and personal space

Today people are getting closer very quickly, especially on the physical level. The frantic pace of life sets the tone in relationships. If the physical attraction is large enough, then the person can ignore the "bells" about incompatibility. Sooner or later, passions subside, and then the couple is faced with everything that was ignored at the beginning, and the fuse and resources for finding compromises are gone. Relationships often end there. A healthier model is the gradual rapprochement and recognition of each other, respect for each other's personal space.

If you recently met, and you are overcome by:

• numerous calls, letters,
• unexpected arrivals to work or home,
• an offer to marry and / or have children after just a few days of dating,
• inappropriately expensive gifts,
• persistent questioning

- this should alert you!

This is not a manifestation of love, but an attempt to "hook" the victim on himself and take control of it. The main aspiration of such people is power. The development of such a relationship can be predicted very accurately, the "victim" and cannot take a step without control. And if you break off such a relationship or refuse to enter into a relationship, most likely, the matter will end in stalking.

Stalking (from the English. Stalking) is the pursuit and intimidation of the victim.

The “agree on shore” feature and this compatibility checklist will help you avoid numerous problems and misunderstandings in the future