"Is This Violence Or Does It Seem To Me?" How To Throw Away The Old Rake - Relationships, Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

"Is this violence or does it seem to me?" This is the question many women ask themselves. According to the facts and statistics, domestic violence is extremely common in our country. However, not every woman recognizes abuse, you can live in it for a very long time and perceive it as something normal, saying to yourself: "Anything can happen in a family", "Everyone has difficulties."

Three facets of violence

Abuse, or the violence of one person against another, takes many different forms. The main ones are the impact through the body, through the senses and through the environment. Each of the options is always associated with pressure, power and violation of the boundaries of another person. Such violence can come from any family member, regardless of gender or age.

1. Body

Any kind of beatings: from poking and pushing to serious injuries; any touch when asked not to do this; partner demands to change weight or body shape; bans on certain clothing or makeup; coercion into sex and / or certain of its options; restriction of freedom of movement, isolation; pressure on the partner in matters of nutrition.

2. Feelings

Manipulation in order to evoke certain emotions in a partner. The main feelings that become the target of manipulation:

• fear (threats, shouts, blackmail, intimidation);
• loneliness (rejection, refusal to communicate, isolation, devaluation or ignoring the feelings of the other);
• evoking anger or, conversely, a ban on the expression of anger (provocations, accusations of hysteria, abnormality);
• shame (comparison with other people, constant criticism and discontent, ridicule, demonstration of disgust for a partner, claims, especially in front of other people);
• guilt (unfounded accusations, placing all responsibility on only one);
• pity (demonstrative suffering, resentment, torment, manipulation of one's illness or poor health).

By making your partner feel this way, you can easily force him to do what is required.

3. Wednesday

Bans on communicating with anyone (relatives, friends, colleagues), devaluation of the environment, a ban on work or demands to change it, money manipulation, searching for enemies around, a ban on asking for any kind of help, the requirement "not to wash dirty linen in public."

This tactic creates conditions where the abused person will have great difficulty trying to get out of the relationship.

When a partner is sick

This is a separate category of relationships in which a violent environment is invariably created. If there is a dependent person in the family or someone has a psychiatric diagnosis, a difficult emotional background is created for all family members.

Living together with an addicted person creates fertile soil for the development of codependency, which leads to very difficult conditions. In any case, the family is involved in the service - it tries to regulate, control, heal, tolerate the destructive behavior of the addict

A similar process occurs in the case of mental illness. Healthy relationships are absolutely impossible with such people.

Feelings of fear, anger and shame are constantly present in such families, there are regular conflicts, the whole family is in anxiety and tension, no one can calm down for a second, at any moment something can happen. People in such families definitely need the help of specialists.

How do you become a victim?

If an adult falls into an abusive relationship and remains in it, tolerance has already been formed in him. Most likely, certain forms of violence took place in the parental family and became the norm for him.

Growing up in such an environment, the child forms protective mechanisms that provide him with insensitivity to difficult experiences. The child needs this in order to survive and not go crazy.

However, in adulthood, defenses continue to work and prevent the recognition of violence against themselves in the early stages of a relationship.

We are not comfortable with what is pleasant, but with what is familiar

This is how our psyche works. Therefore, unconsciously, a person will choose the familiar, that is, such a partner with whom an emotional environment similar to the parental environment in the family will be recreated.

Violence: How to Get Out of the Circle?

Dealing with victims of domestic violence is very difficult. Despite the difficult family atmosphere and obvious suffering, there is also a strong attachment that is difficult to deal with.

It is not enough just to get out of a destructive relationship, there is a great risk of returning or choosing a similar partner in the future

Careful work with a psychologist is necessary in which a person can change his personal norms and rules in relationships. The goal of therapy is to eliminate tolerance for violence and to stop tolerating self-abuse, to build healthy boundaries, self-esteem and self-love.

We need to talk as much as possible about what violence is and that in no case should it be the norm in any family. Seeking help is a sign of strength and recognition of the right to protection.

What's next?

Finally, the victim managed to get out of the abuse. Now the man is alone, and he is in search. He already knows how it should not be, but at the same time he has absolutely no idea about the relationship in which he will feel good and comfortable.

Signs of a healthy relationship:

• 1. High level of contact

  Partners talk about their feelings freely, can openly express their opinion, voice what they like and what they don't like, what kind of attitude they would like in relation to themselves. They have the ability to ask, and yet they can accept rejection.

• 2. Allocation of Responsibility

  Partners are responsible only for their own feelings, thoughts and actions. At the same time, it is possible to discuss any conflict, find out the reason for what happened, and also find options for changes so that this does not happen again.

• 3. Trust and support

  Partners are confident in each other, can present themselves in weakness or difficult moments, receive support and acceptance.

• 4. Adequate boundaries

  Each partner respects the personal space of the other, does not try to manipulate or violate his right to choose. There are agreements and decisions that both agree with.

• 5. Emotional Comfort

  Most of the time you feel satisfied and calm. You feel confident in your partner's love. Each other's needs are mutually satisfied. You are interested in communicating, you talk about feelings when you want to. Tactile contact and sexual satisfaction are enough for you.

• 6. Development

  Problems and difficulties are discussed and solved, and do not remain unchanged for many years. Partners change and grow, their lives become happier.

Healthy relationships are possible for everyone, you just need to learn this and allow yourself to be in them

Read also:

• Toxic relationships: how to recognize and survive? Strategy 5 + 3
• Sweet enemy. What to do if you get bogged down in a relationship with an abuser
• Victimblaming as a norm of life is # samaduravinovat. About victims of violence