"Is He Just A Friend Or Does He Really Love Me?" - Relations

A girl who could not understand the relationship with her boyfriend turned for advice. With burning eyes, she begins to talk about her boyfriend, how much she loves him and how she dreams of each new conversation with him. At the same time, their relationship is purely platonic - they really like to walk and communicate together, but apart from conversations and completely innocent signs of attention, nothing else happens. Her main question is: "Is he just a friend or does he really love me?"

The girl is confident in her feelings, but she does not understand the behavior of her boyfriend well. “It's hard to understand anything from the look on his face. He is a very calm and reserved person. When he looks at me, every time I get lost: either he is just watching, or there is some admiration and approval in his gaze."

I ask what signs of attention he gives her.

"Oh, nothing special. He invited me to the cinema, we went to a cafe together (though they paid a shareholding). A couple of times he even gave flowers for some holidays. But he shows similar signs of attention not only to me. He has quite a few girls he knows, he can do the same to them. I'm no exception here."

I wonder what topics they usually talk about.

“In principle, it is easy for me to discuss any topics with him. But in general we have common interests and hobbies. For example, music. That's about music (hereinafter he mentions the names of several favorite bands) we often talk about."

… I want to warn you right away that “true love” is a very individual thing, and it is very difficult to evaluate other people's relationships from the outside. But here's what we discussed at the consultation.

1. Expression of emotions on the face

Expressiveness (body language in general and facial expressions) is developed differently in all people. The actors, for example, have special facial exercises and exercises that develop facial expressions. That is why they know how to express emotions in such a way that it is possible to distinguish love from hate, even sitting in the last row of the theater.

But in most ordinary people, facial expressions are not so developed. Therefore, if during each of your meetings on the face of a familiar person you do not see an expression of violent joy, crazy delight and unearthly love, this does not mean at all that he / she does not love you. Conclusion: it is not always possible to determine by body language whether a person loves you or not!

2. Actions

This is already a much more reliable criterion. It is not for nothing that they say that strong love pushes a person to commit insane acts. This is partly true: if we love a person, then we consider him special and are ready to perform special actions for him. Signs of attention to a loved one turn out to be unique, and not the same as all friends-buddies.

3. Conversations

We usually discuss common hobbies and interests with friends. Love communication usually differs from just friendly communication in greater depth and intimacy. What does this mean? In a conversation with a loved one, we are not afraid to discuss (and enjoy the discussion) three topics.

Three topics that we are not afraid to discuss with a loved one

1. Your inner world

Conversations about music, sports, mutual acquaintances are conversations about something external. You can talk for hours about the weather, but at the same time not reveal your inner world, not manifest as a person - with your special character, beliefs, values, experiences, life experience.

A truly loving person needs spiritual closeness with us. And for this he is ready for self-disclosure - that is, he is ready to share his innermost thoughts and feelings. In response to such self-disclosure, we open ourselves, which leads to the formation of mutual trust. Lovers, as it were, plunge into each other's inner world, become soul mates. In friendships and friendships, this depth is not at all necessary.

2. Own life story

This is not just a matter of listing the facts of the biography. Our personal history is primarily an emotional experience, a series of joys and sorrows. Sharing joys (bragging) is pretty easy with anyone, but we can only discuss past failures, crises and breakdowns with the closest people. For example, young couples in love often share intimate problems from their parental families, providing psychological assistance to each other during the discussion.

As a rule, this stage, when people begin to share the most intimate and bitter memories, is a must in the development of love relationships. If we are not ready to share our past with a loved one, especially a negative one, or a loved one clearly avoids communication on such topics, then it means that we are not that close.

3. Our joint future

In family psychology, there is a term "image of a shared future", which is a prerequisite for a strong and happy relationship. If we are talking about true love at its initial stages, then this means that we cannot imagine our future without each other, we like to dream together and make joint plans for the future. These plans can be for a year or two in advance, and maybe for the whole life.

Sometimes in jest, but more often in earnest, couples in love begin to discuss how many children they will give birth to, where and in what house they will live, how they will spend evenings, weekends, and vacations together. Sometimes a picture is drawn of "the perfect family dinner", or "how we will be the best grandparents in the world who are babysitting a bunch of grandchildren." Fantasies about the future can be anything, the main thing is that they are positive, and that you are together in these fantasies. But if one of the partners is unpleasant to visualize and discuss such "pictures", it is hardly possible to talk about true love here.

In conclusion, let us say that each person is the owner and author of his relations with others. Therefore, there is no psychologist instead of you the answer to the question posed "Is he just my friend or does he really love me?" will not give. But perhaps the criteria given in the note will help you better understand the relationship