Men Are Not Attracted To Impeccability - Relationship, Sex

Dossier

Inna Roizman is a psychologist, PhD in Psychology, a full member of the British Psychological Society (BPS), conducts private practice, lectures, conducts seminars and master classes.

"The man. Take three times a day. Inside. " Once upon a time, such a prescription was prescribed by Freud to his patient suffering from a lingering neurosis. But there are features in female behavior that not only will not inspire a man to "three times a day", but will simply destroy any sexual desire. Inna Roizman, a psychologist who systematically works with appeals in the field of sexology, has collected a whole collection of male revelations about what can turn sex into an extremely unpleasant activity.

OUR PSYCHOLOGY: It is difficult to argue that sex and even the very thought of it is inextricably linked with the physicality and physical attractiveness of a partner. Is this really the most important thing?

INNA ROISMAN: I may now point out the obvious things for some. But they are most often noted by my clients.

Natural beauty is, of course, wonderful. Nevertheless, men are not guided by facial features, height or slimness at all. Good news, right? Even in choosing a partner for an easy relationship, a man is not looking for impeccable external data, which are usually called "model". A man is attracted by very simple and understandable things in a woman: a smile, a friendly facial expression, an open posture, relaxed movements - everything should indicate that a woman is ready to communicate, that it is easy with her, that she will not "load". Fighting extra pounds, wrinkles or natural hair color looks completely pointless if there is no smile on her face, and the woman does not show a sincere interest in communication. If we turn to the masters of sexology, we will dispel the illusions of many adherents of the trainings of "revealing femininity" and "awakening the inner goddess."As Sergei Agarkov said, for example: “… these are routine recommendations, like a candlelit dinner, using erotic lingerie or sexual fitness in the spirit of the Kama Sutra. Moreover, extravagance or annoying change of position can exacerbate the feeling of sensory dissonance and inadequacy of the situation."

NP: You have now destroyed the universal magic that most women believe in with one light movement

I. R.: It's not me, it's a classic of sexology, Sergei Agarkov.

NP: Is it possible that physical imperfections do not at all affect the emergence of sexual attraction in a man?

I. R.: I am constantly convinced of this. Every day a variety of people come to me with a variety of questions to themselves, to their partner, to the world around them as a whole. And my long-term observations suggest that completely different things are at the forefront, for example, cleanliness, grooming. This moment is read completely unconsciously, there is no logic here. A reaction takes place in the ancient cerebral cortex, which is responsible for the simplest reflexes. We can say that this is a completely instinctive process that starts automatically. A man reads this story something like "she is not able to take care of herself, and therefore, about me, and about possible offspring." The vast majority of men most clearly singled out this fact as extremely important. That is, you understandhow often does it occur? The feeling of an unkempt body can kill any desire, attraction, interest.

NP: It turns out that the main frustrations for men begin long before sexual activity? And much simpler things are to blame for this than is commonly thought?

I. R.: I won't discover America if I say that sex begins with the brain. It is he who analyzes all incoming signals as positive, negative, prompting action or triggering anxiety. Therefore, sexual problems arise first in the head, and only then they acquire physiological expression in the form of erectile dysfunction, for example. For any man, even a hint of sexual inadequacy is deadly. Self-confidence falls, a lot of doubts and fears arise. And fear and sex are generally poorly compatible. Attraction disappears, anxiety grows, and sex gradually disappears from a man's life. It's no secret that sex and work are the two most important areas in the life of any man, only through them can he be fully realized. If something starts to "fail", the problems grow like an avalanche, the psychological balance is disturbed.

NP: And yet what fears are we talking about?

I. R.: The nature of fears is different. Some can, on the contrary, greatly diversify their sex life. For example, the fear of being "caught" during intercourse in a public place. Airport sex, as an option, can stimulate a powerful additional adrenaline rush. This is a positive fear, so to speak. And there are very heavy, long-term, oppressive fears that can destroy all sexual relations in a man's life. For example, the trigger is "we need to talk." This phrase, which women love very much, can ruin any intimacy. Or excessive female activity. Note - excessive. Also, I would say, not the best companion in obtaining sexual satisfaction. Real life should not be confused with pornography. If a woman decided that the most correct approach to a man is “I want you everywhere, always and seven times a day”,but forgot to clarify whether her temperament coincides with her partner, a man inevitably has a fear of intimacy. The fear of not being up to par, the fear of not meeting the partner's expectations, the fear of not having an erection - there are many things that can scare a man next to a hyperactive woman. For him, physical pleasure and its peak, the release of adrenaline, endorphins, a hormonal surge are too important and requiring all attention.

It may seem unexpected, but in sex a man is looking not so much for satisfying basic needs as for self-expression and … comfort. Hunter, winner, conqueror - in bed he is waiting for a dialogue. The trophy in the form of "real estate" that does not respond to affection will not suit him. Any man needs a lively and natural response from the woman he has chosen.

In this sense, a very curious example of the behavior of prostitutes in Thai brothels. Girls there at first behave quite independently, cold, even inaccessible, and then become for clients a gentle, protective friend, not burdening with problems, listening, sympathetic, while completely open to any suggestions in sex. It is not surprising that after the "sessions" many Europeans and Americans continue to send "alimony" for a long time! And it's hard for me to imagine that a brisk metropolitan business woman who, alas, cannot switch to the role of an affectionate mistress after work, can achieve such devotion from a man even after several nights of love (not to mention one).

SEX? THIS IS SCARY

The syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure manifests itself in doubts about having intercourse. Increased anxiety makes it impossible: sexual arousal and erection disappear. In some cases, anxious expectation syndrome becomes the basis for the development of coitophobia, an obsessive fear of sexual intercourse. Anxiety-phobic disorders account for 50% of visits to a sex therapist. According to studies carried out in different countries, neurotic disorders in the form of anxiety-phobic and obsessive-phobic manifestations are the core symptom in 30% of sexological patients, and concomitant - in almost 90%.

NP: In other words, can a man-boss stay in bed as “in charge,” but a woman simply has to be flexible?

I. R.: If you don't complicate things, then yes. Of course, we are all very individual. But my extensive practice, which includes dealing not only with sexological, but also problems in relationships, allows for some generalizations.

The most frequent request of my clients is related to the loss of attraction for his wife in a man after forty years, while being in a happy marriage with an intelligent and pretty woman. Omitting the details, I can say that most often this is due to a change in social roles. Say, he changed or quit his job, is in search of himself, began to look for new hobbies, and at that moment, on the contrary, his wife took up a career, freeing herself from obligations to children, for example.

What's happening? A man finds himself in a borderline situation and does not receive the usual support from his wife from the rear. The mechanism of self-doubt is triggered, there is a transfer to sexual relations, there is a fear of not satisfying the partner, not meeting her expectations. And if once this has already happened, then sex ceases to beckon, because the reaction to unpleasant events for all people is the same: to avoid the repetition of failure. There is only one way out of this situation: to re-instill in a man self-confidence, to make him feel control over the situation, including over his own body. Whether it be dancing, boxing, alpine skiing or something else, it is not so important. The main thing is for the man to feel himself on a horse again. And then it’s a matter of technology.

MAJOR KILLERS OF MEN'S ATTRACTION:

Actor's attempts

The insincerity and theatricality of poses and gestures repels most men. All kinds of women's trainings "Become the wife of an oligarch in 8 minutes", which involve holding sex, lead to pretense in bed. You can apply the knowledge gained only if they are really close to the woman, otherwise the partner will feel like a hero of a cheap porn film and will prefer to leave the set.

Slave of love

Choosing the role of victim (“you use me for pleasure”), women forget that at the same time they cause protest in the man. No one wants to feel guilty for the suffering of others (especially in sex, which implies just joint pleasure).

Who is the boss in the house?

Commanding the process or being overly active repels men for two reasons: a) they do not feel attention to them from women, b) they are afraid of not meeting the expectations of their partner. And here it is not far to the syndrome of "anxious expectation of failure."

Desperate housewife

Waiting for a discussion of everyday and family problems after sex reinforces the conditioned reflex "after a second fireworks, a dull household pressure will follow." And each time the desire for a "enchanting" marital act will be less and less.

Vocabulary

Vocabulary is a kind of dress code. Slang applied at the wrong time causes a stupor. Unacceptable to varying degrees and "pistons" with "jackhammers", and impersonal "bunnies" and "pusiks", unless these are your unique finds.

Observation diary

Our brain is equipped with a wonderful mechanism - mirror neurons, which allow us, observing someone, "try" on his behavior. The bed is no exception: it is necessary to notice the moments of pleasure of the partner and "mirror" them to receive mutual pleasure.

Visit schedule

Lack of spontaneity or deprivation of freedom of action ("honey, I am ovulating, we have to make a child") is unacceptable, because a man is not a robot, but a hunter. Deprive him of his natural instincts - and deprive yourself of sex.

But it lay beautifully

Do not confuse inaccessibility at the moment of flirting with inaccessibility directly in bed. Real or imaginary coldness sends a signal - I'm not interested in sex with you - and the desire disappears.

The very case when it is better to remain silent

Comparison with the "ex" and stories about others (even in a negative way), caused by women's insecurity, reset erection. The moment of intimacy, of course, is conducive to rapprochement and the following frankness. But the brain, spilling out oxytocin - the hormone of attachment, deprives us of logic and sobriety. And that unnecessary that will be said (especially about the "former"), it will be impossible to overstep.