How To Choose A Partner? Putting Together Your Puzzle - Relations

You met an interesting person and started communicating. But sometimes you wonder - did you make the right choice? We suggest putting together a puzzle and determining how stable your union is. Perhaps this particular person appeared in your life for a reason

What roles do we play?

In childhood, we all played some role in our own family (“parents' hope”, “family problem” and so on). As adults, we, without realizing it ourselves, begin to play the same role in relations with people here and there. Have you noticed? Whether it is comfortable for us or not, but it is customary, and we ourselves, without realizing it, strive to "settle down" in the relationship in the usual way. That is why, in a mysterious way, new acquaintances often treat us the same way our relatives treated us. These people respond to our "signals".

All more or less important relationships in our life are not accidental. Let's remember our friends and enemies. Somehow, out of all people, we "chose" each other with them, and an emotionally charged relationship developed between us. Because we with them "helped" each other to experience some very important familiar feelings again, to find ourselves in familiar relationships again. The style of these relationships has developed in our families, so we and these people complemented each other in a certain way.

And in the same way, love, infatuation with a person of the opposite sex is not accidental. There is no accidental romance and no accidental marriage. Somehow it is customary to think that falling in love is a matter of chance. "Love is evil" - we will fall in love with whom we have managed to fall in love. But, it means that it was this person who was (maybe for some unconscious reasons) needed. And it is no coincidence that the novel eventually leads or does not lead to marriage. It is no coincidence that a marriage turns out to be emotionally successful or not, persists for life or falls apart.

How is a partner selected?

When we meet a representative of the opposite sex and we like him, it means that we can play the role we are used to in a relationship with him, repeating ways of behavior that are well known to us. Because with his behavior and the role that he is ready to play, he complements us.

For example, one person (say a man) grew up in a family in which he was habitually exploited. He was taught not to be selfish and always sacrifice his own interests for the sake of others. However, of course, not all family members did the same. (Otherwise, who would have needed his endless sacrifices?)

This man meets the "woman of his dreams" and they are drawn to each other like a magnet. A woman was brought up as a "family idol", she is selfish, demanding in relations with loved ones and prone to exploitation. The relationship between a man and a woman turns out to be unhappy initially, but they feel that they cannot live without each other. Perhaps they will get married, and then children will grow up in their family who will learn that in close relationships, you can either be exploited or be exploited.

In this case, a man who is ready to give endlessly and a woman who is ready to take endlessly found each other. How did this happen? For the sake of simplicity, let's present the selection as a puzzle.

Such different relationship puzzles

Here are two people who only want to take in a relationship:

You can see that the pieces of the puzzle do not match. And these people will never attract each other. Everyone will quickly understand that the partner will not give him anything. But two people met who in a relationship only strive to give:

These pieces of the puzzle do not match either. And these people will not arouse each other's interest. Sometimes people ask why? Two such good people met, they would be happy together. Because everyone will not be able to do what they are used to: give. There is no one to take. They both do not know how to take.

But two opposites have met. As in the above example. Or vice versa. A selfish man will always find a woman who is ready for sacrificial behavior. And the notorious "bitch" will always find a man whom she can exploit. So:

There is a coincidence here, and such people often find each other. But it will be an unhappy couple. The eternally giving partner will accumulate resentment, because he does everything for the other person, and his care is simply taken for granted, with no visible return.

In his heart, such a person usually silently hopes that the partner will one day understand what treasure he has got, and will be grateful. Sooner or later he will start talking about his insult, and then the "taking" partner will be offended. Most likely, he will feel that he is being nagged. At first they fell in love with who they are, and now, you see, bad. Sometimes such a person is simply unaware that others also need something. Then he simply will not understand the reasons for the dissatisfaction and will write off everything on the bad character of the partner.

We see that the coincidence of the pieces of the puzzle has led to the emergence of an unhappy union. This often happens, and people in unhappy couples, in fact, "fit" each other no less than people in happier couples.

How do harmonious couples come about?

Many people are more flexible in their behavior. And then, in relationships with others, a person is able to both give and take (love, care, emotional warmth). Here two such people met.

In this case, partners also complement each other. And therefore, they attract each other. This overlap can form the basis for an emotionally satisfying relationship that includes mutual concern and mutual respect. If children grow up in such a family, then they receive enough care, and also have the opportunity (according to their age) to take care of their loved ones. And they see that loved ones appreciate it. When they grow up, they too will seek out and attract partners who know how to both take and give.

So, in order for people to like each other and stay together, a "puzzle match" is required. Some people came from families that raised them with very inflexible behaviors. Then, to create a pair, they seek (to a greater or lesser extent realizing this) their opposite. The giver seeks the taker. One needs to take care of someone, the other needs someone to take care of him. One is used to being a victim, the other is aggressive. One is weak-willed - the other wants to lead and command.

But there are people who have a broader behavioral repertoire, and this is usually a more favorable option for love and marriage. This is when, for example, we can care and accept care. Take responsibility and trust the other person. Sometimes to defend their interests, and sometimes to yield to another, etc.

How to complete your puzzle

People who grew up in an emotionally safe environment behave again and again in such a way that they reproduce favorable situations in their lives: they are respected, they meet reliable people, they find a loving partner.

On the other hand, we have all seen people who, in their relationships with others, “step on the same rake” all their lives. For example, a man gets a job over and over again, but he gets fired every time. Or a girl meets guys over and over again, but all the guys for some reason leave her. These people reproduce something over and over again in their relationship - something very painful for them. People around often guess that the reason is in the person himself, and may not particularly sympathetically conclude that he is “to blame”. But there is no fault in this: a person, as a rule, himself does not understand how he does it this way.

Psychologist's recommendations

Read this article first. Think about it. Is there something unpleasant in your life that is repeated over and over again in a relationship?

Will you be able to track this yourself in a relationship? What are you doing that everything repeats again? What kind of people do you choose?

If you can't stop repeating, if you can't even notice how everything happens again, contact a psychologist.

We all find it difficult to change our behavior patterns. After all, old habits have become dear to us; we grew up with them and lived for many years. But sometimes it becomes simply necessary to create a harmonious relationship in a couple