Adult Bugs. How To Build A Real Relationship? - Relations

Strong, harmonious, true relationships are the model most of us aspire to. From birth, we are literally surrounded by patterns that show us patterns of behavior, the pattern of actions leading to the goal - to meet our half and create a strong family

Unfortunately, in any, even perfect model, there can be a failure, personal designers can collapse, and the picture once presented is not so rosy. Maybe we ourselves are doing something wrong? Do we make mistakes, make mistakes and destroy what can be strengthened and developed ourselves? Are all patterns true? Is it possible to build an ideal relationship and be self-sufficient at the same time?

And experience, son of difficult mistakes …

The most common algorithm is a great start to a relationship, a feeling of a folded puzzle, a similarity of views. At the stage of falling in love, a couple does everything together, all sensations and impressions are heightened, tactile contact is at its peak, you cannot leave for a second. But "this too will pass." This is neither bad nor good, this is the normal development of relations. You are not copies of each other, sooner or later one of you will want to change the usual picture. And absolutely not because your relationship is no longer valuable. It is at this point that we delightfully begin to make mistakes.

1. Complete identification

You so often repeated to each other and those around you the words about “a single whole” that you yourself are no longer able to think differently. At least one of you. In any relationship (both loving and friendly) it is necessary to clearly understand that each "participant" has its own character, its own baggage of accumulated experience and its own patterns of behavior. The difference between partners begins to manifest itself gradually, but in an increasing way. But the deep conviction that you will be understood without words and will be done exactly as you expect remains and eventually brings enough problems.

2. Attempts to change your neighbor

This is a favorite and developed over the years. On the one hand, in adult life, they play by adult rules, and these are the rules about a severe intolerance to mistakes and "shoals" of others. For example, in a working relationship, no one will reeducate a truant; they will simply be fired. But for some reason, we have double standards for those close to us. The peculiarities of the behavior of "our own" can be annoying to the gnashing of teeth, but we still hope to correct it. Sooner or later, such attempts go sideways. In love relationships (as in all others!) There is a law of "adequate response". When you don't like something in your direction, your partner has the right not to accept it either. How did you decide that they would obey you? You are not a parent, no one has given you the power to educate and nurture. Attempts to remake for yourself in the vast majority of cases lead to a break in relations.

3. Control freak - control maniac

Of course, the desire for total control of loved ones carries with it a secondary benefit and indicates that there is a serious breakdown in your emotional background. Those suffering from a mania for total control of their neighbors are prone to blackmail and manipulation. Thus, they try to change the behavior of their partner in order to get rid of the need to change themselves, their habits and beliefs. Control mania allows you to fill your own inner void. In some cases, consultation with a specialist is necessary - this may be one of the manifestations of clinical depression.

4. I am a victim

You have been looking for love for so long, you value relationships more than anything else and are terribly afraid of losing them. Yes, it could be childhood trauma or negative stressful experiences. The problem is that at the same time you put your desires and aspirations in last place, essentially devaluing yourself. Sooner or later, so carefully hidden breaks out, and then you plunge into a feeling of guilt. If there is a fact of abuse (and with victims this is, unfortunately, a typical story), the partner will successfully use and manipulate you in their interests. In any other scenario, sooner or later you will demand a return from your partner for all your sacrifice. At the same time, none of you will understand what is happening: you are not aware of your despair and needs, and your partner will not understand what, in fact, they want from him. In such a relationship, tension and irritation build up, leading to alienation.

5. Intoxicating power struggle

Development of relationships, reaching a new level, changes for the better are impossible without compromise. Compromise is not about one of you agreeing, secretly believing yourself to be smarter and more accommodating. Compromise is a decent and equal dialogue, honest interaction and joint search for options.

Your power struggles may be the result of past relationships. You are trying to take what you missed with your past partner. And this is already a situation bordering on indifference and selfishness. "This is not the place for love."

6. Accumulated fatigue

In addition to personal life, we are surrounded by a rather large space filled with various concerns, affairs and interactions. There are relationships with relatives and friends, there is work. And all these connections are essentially no less important and occupy a huge place in our life. Having started your romantic story, you have not crossed out everything else, have you? All these connections require a lot of desire and time to maintain and develop them. Stress can happen, fatigue can build up - and all this you throw out on a partner who, according to your convictions, should support you in everything. But on the contrary, you cannot do it - because it is not customary to flaunt in society what is happening outside your door. It turns out to be an unpleasant polarity and a kind of double standards. All this leads to family conflict.

Learning and accepting

Any relationship must develop, so change must be accepted positively and learned from it. Attention to each other, love and mutual respect, acceptance of the crisis and the ability to dialogue will help build a truly strong relationship. Of course, if both partners are interested.

We must finally realize that:

• Family is not an end in itself. Otherwise, you will slip into a relationship-formality, a coexistence full of laws, morality and mutual reproaches. The goal is what you come up with in the family. Your goals should be associated with a feeling of happiness, not deny self-development, and you should both want to go to them. This is probably one of the main rules of a happy family life. The size of your happiness does not depend in any way on the globality of your goal - perhaps you dream of moving out of town or conquering Everest - the main thing is that you both want it. A family in this format is a great helper.
• You will have to learn to talk, even if all your life you thought it was better to shut up the problem, it will resolve. The rules are simple: you need to learn to speak in advance about your desires and needs, without relying on the gift of telepathy from your companion. You need to be able to find solutions that suit both of you. It is always better to tell and ask again if you are not sure that you have understood correctly. Please talk!
• It is necessary to trust. Yes, living with an open heart is a great courage and a great gift. Most of them close after a few betrayals and disappointments. It's difficult even to write about it - but try to say to yourself: "It happens." The universe will surely respond with balance and harmony.
• You have to be able to thank. It is to relatives and friends that we forget to say "thank you". We believe that all their actions are natural, signs of attention are everyday. Nevertheless, the magic "thank you" can work miracles.

Of course, real life, daily worries and relationships are much more difficult than written discourse on this topic. But all this is part of our huge puzzle called "life". You need to collect it thoughtfully and without haste, enjoying each resulting picture.