5 Stages Of Acceptance And 9 Ideas How To Save Yourself. Memo For Those At Home - Blogs, Society

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

On April 3, after the announcement of the extension of quarantine until April 30, there were groans in the Russian segment of social networks. I really sympathize with everyone who feels bad from this news. Rather, not from the news itself - this was predictable after the quarantines introduced in all countries - but from the fact that a sad certainty appeared.

Mourning time and adaptation

The whole story of the coronavirus is one big mourning story. It is made up of different "streams", but each of us grieves now. Even if you consider yourself an introvert, who "lives like this all his life, and now the whole world has joined."

Topics that affect us. We grieve:

• by the familiar present, the way it could have been, but has not become; according to the usual rhythm of life (even if he seemed crazy before);
• for a clear and predictable future;
• according to plans that have flown;
• for the money that is lost, since the plans were canceled (a buzzword now);
• inability to see someone important;
• to reduce certainty with work, career and business;
• by the fact that you had or will have to change your place of residence;
• in many other ways, which is subjectively important.

Let's take the simplest diagram of mourning. This pattern was identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her work with the dying. The diagram is not very suitable for describing the work of grief after the death of a loved one, but it is very suitable for the processes taking place now. It consists of 5 steps:

1. Negation
2. Anger
3. Bargain
4. Depression
5. Adoption

1. Stage of denial

The task of the stage: to enter the process of mourning and adaptation to a new reality

Remember? "Yes, it is not more dangerous than the flu," "it will not reach us," "it is better for everyone to get sick than these isolation." And this too: "It cannot be that all this is happening in the world", "I do not believe that we will be quarantined", "It cannot be - empty shelves."

People are still in the stage of denial. Only this is not a denial of the danger of the virus. These are people who deny the usefulness of quarantine and are ready to go on a visit and fry barbecue. The psyche works this way if a person, in principle, has a low level of anxiety, but do not care - high. But about social responsibility will be clear a little further.

I will say more: there are still several waves of denial ahead. New - now, after the announcement of the month of quarantine. “It cannot be that this will happen to my business”, “I don’t believe that this is true - we will all sit at home when spring is on the street.” There will be more if the measures are tightened; if the curve of morbidity and death goes up sharply.

Therefore, we will not delude ourselves - in a sense, we will walk in circles. More precisely, in a spiral of events, going through the same stages. Let's be ready.

2. Stage of anger

The task of the stage: to reduce emotional stress and accumulate strength to act

After the first round of denial, anger arose. Massively. She flared up brightly again after the announcement of a month's quarantine. I do not want to hurt the feelings of the angry and challenge the correctness of their positions. But anger in this case is a "glass", and it must be filled with something.

In this situation, anger is not constructive. Not from the point of view "unconstructive - then shove it somewhere and stop getting angry." No, it doesn't work that way. Non-constructive means that its energy cannot be used to transform reality in the direction necessary for a person. That is, you cannot do something and the virus will disappear. Or make yourself and your family 100% immune to disease. Stop the economic crisis or at least the problems of your business.

And since it is impossible to let anger go into action, you just need to put it somewhere so that it is not destructive. In this situation, the mechanism for shifting anger to an outside figure comes to the rescue. That is why the government and its decisions are criticized so much. There is also a safer way: anger at other governments.

It is quite a working way in this situation, because it allows you to save yourself and "the weather in the house", and loyalty to the governments of the country in which a person lives. No harm from such anger, except benefit. And localizing it through social networks is also an excellent choice, as safe as possible for a person to blow off steam. A bit sorry for those who are easily induced. But for whom is it easy now?

You can also safely be angry with “gopniks” who go out on a picnic, people without masks in the store and transport (they say, we all understand, but these!), Old women who do not keep their distance in the store. By the way, the same people who went to the picnic at the stage of denial can get so angry. And such anger is better than directed at people who are next to you in the same space. Anything better than yelling at children, partners or animals.

But probably the greenest option is to admit to yourself that you are angry. To honestly answer the question: "What am I really angry about?" If you seem to be really angry with the old lady, then ask yourself: "What's behind this?" Perhaps several times. When anger is realized, it loses its destructive power. Then you can use techniques to express anger: tearing paper, shouting into a pillow, stamping your feet.

There will be several waves of anger too. I suppose that the stage of anger is the "sponsor" of the increased Chinese divorce. But not she herself, but her focus on her partner and children, who are “convenient” targets. Yes, only the targets are the same people, and they make their decisions.

3. Stage of bargaining

Stage task: to develop a "plan of salvation". Find ways to live in a situation that has changed life for the worse. Find balance points, understand hazards and prevent their impact

At this stage, anxiety gives way to hope. Anxiety is necessary to track danger points. Having found a danger, it is natural for a person to look for ways to avoid or reduce it. Therefore, there will be anxiety. This is a painful feeling, but it is necessary. Sometimes fear will overwhelm. You will have to negotiate with him.

Hope and temporary calm arise from good news, including world news. From the fact that you were able to work out the "plan of salvation", whatever it may be. This is about gloves and masks, about the delivery of groceries, about not leaving home, about conversations with teenagers with detailed explanations why this is so, and about much more.

Here ritual, magical ways of dealing with anxiety and attempts to "come to terms" with the situation appear. These can be prayers, including collective ones, "the messages of the Universe", fortune-telling on the book ("if it falls out, everything will definitely end well"). A person can mentally make promises that he will do something in the future if the situation does not affect him now. Pseudo-effective rituals may also appear: obsessive washing of hands and floors, tapping on objects and other strange things that are, in principle, characteristic of the picture of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Anxiety gives way to hope, which gives temporary relief, and then anxiety returns. It happens all the time. Some methods fail, and new ones have to be found. New information comes in and plans have to be adjusted. If a person's anxiety was in principle high, it will be a constant background, even in moments of hope.

By the way, at this stage, people find the pluses of a new life: they dismantle cabinets, finish repairs, watch movies avidly, sleep with pleasure, bake cupcakes. This is also an attempt to come to terms with reality from the position “even in the bad, you can find good”.

For relationships with loved ones, this stage is calmer. But there may be nuances. If the anxious partner is in "bargaining" and takes a lot of unnecessary actions, and the other partner - for example, in denial. And this difference may lead to misunderstanding, to put it mildly.

4. Stage of depression

The task of the stage: to reduce emotional experiences, to "take a break" from emotions and actions. To be sad. Separate the important from the unimportant

I'll make a reservation right away: it's not about clinical depression as a disease. We are talking about depression as a temporary state, about a reactive depressive reaction. I now observe this stage in the stories of people from other countries, where quarantine has been going on for more than 3 weeks. Of course, it manifests itself in varying degrees and in different ways. But there are trends. People describe that in the third week, fatal fatigue appears ("we are barely alive today") and it is extremely difficult to maintain adequacy.

People again, more vividly grieve over lost little habits: the opportunity to do a manicure, dye their hair, over the familiar sounds of cities and houses. They say that you no longer want to cook or watch all the content that is richly offered for almost nothing. That there is no strength to communicate with those who are in the same house: neither with children, nor with parents, nor with partners. Most often in descriptions the word “apathy”, “no energy” sounds. Those who are active in sports may find they want to avoid exercising. There are fears: “I don’t know what will happen to us if all this drags on”.

At this stage, emotions seem to be muffled. Sometimes there may be a feeling that "it is difficult to feel", that "all the same". This is a painful state, but it is necessary for you to take some rest from the "slides" of the past stages. The anxiety remains, but it is muffled a little.

Lack of physical strength determines the vector of priorities: a person leaves only the most important. For example, preparing food to feed the children. Or doing something at work, but not doing something. Sometimes the choice is not about priorities, but about doing what you at least can do. For example, I can't work, but I can listen to the webinar. This is also important.

However, you may find that with apathy and lack of energy, you may have outbursts of irritation. No, this is not a return to the anger stage. It's like an “electrical discharge” from within, giving you a little energy to do something. For example, you might react with irritation when a child asks for help with math, but at least you can do it. I do not condone the "drain of irritation" on loved ones, but understanding its mechanics, you get access to other ways of reacting.

At this stage, it is important to know that it is not permanent. That she's also useful. That now you are separating the necessary from the unnecessary. For example, then you will not wash your hands so many times or wash all your clothes upon arrival. You will understand what you will definitely leave further, what is important to you. If you can, keep some productive activity: one that you can see the result of at least for a short while. Or engage in mental activities that you find useful.

It is very difficult for people nearby to see a loved one in the stage of depression. This increases their anxiety, because the fear arises that this may last for a long time (which means many effects at once, and everyone is not too optimistic). Therefore, you can be “harassed”, “haunted”, “annoyed with requests” - especially children. Yes, this can happen even more often and more intensely than it could be, because the task of loved ones is to check if you can get up from the couch. It sometimes looks like cruelty, misunderstanding, selfishness, but in many respects it is, alas, the work of anxiety. And here it would be good for everyone to understand that this stage will pass.

It is highly likely that all adults who are next to you can somehow experience a stage of depression (you started a long way of adaptation at about the same time). It will be important to support each other and agree on who feeds the children and when. Children will also go through this stage. And here the best help will be to help yourself, because as soon as they see that they can rely on you again, their condition will also improve.

5. Stage of acceptance

Stage objective: to feel balance in the situation. Understand opportunities and limitations and take them into account

If the isolation lasts long enough, then we will all come to the stage of acceptance.

There will be an inner acceptance of the dead. It does not mean the absence of emotions, they will be, but they are more similar to sadness than to internal panic, as at the stage of bargaining.

There will be acceptance that now you and everyone in your region live in this way. It will already be clear what exactly is necessary, what is desirable, and what is redundant. There will be a plan for a lot. Many processes (children’s study, your job, time for sports, ordering products) will be worked out and understood. And therefore they will not take as much time and effort as before.

There will be an effect of automation and development of skills (it is not yet at the stage of bargaining and depression, so fatigue and apathy arise).

Perhaps, in the general social environment is also at this time will be used to lshaya certainty, although there will be more uncertainty. But in your small world, everything will be lined up quite clearly, and this will reduce anxiety.

You will be able to bake, play sports, play with children and feel pleasure again.

Perhaps, when there is certainty at the end of isolation, a few days before that you will have fear and sadness that this is all ending. This is normal, because there will be a period of active action and great uncertainty ahead.

You will be able to more or less calmly wait for the end of the quarantine and the beginning of the period when we will all restore what is lost, destroyed, stopped.

At this stage, your relationship with loved ones is likely to improve.

Large and small cycles

Small cycles of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance will wedge in such a large cycle of grieving-adaptation. These will be cycles that react to small changes in the situation towards the worsening. That is, at some moments in the “big” process you can be at the stage of, say, bargaining, and in the “small” process, at the stage of denial, anger, weakening or acceptance. If you keep this in mind, sometimes you will understand better both yourself and others.

9 ideas how to keep yourself in this situation

1. Maintain the usual household rituals as much as possible: drinking tea at a certain time with someone from the family, laying the children down, any small details of the day. The familiar in the face of change and uncertainty is one of the important pillars. It reduces anxiety, which means it helps to adapt.
2. Engage in productive activities, that is, such, the result of which you can see, albeit for a short time. Try to do at least a small business that requires exertion of will every day. At the first stages, there will be no problems with this, but at the stage of depression this will not allow her to gain a foothold.
3. Engage in your usual intellectual activity (which does not exclude the fact that you can try new things). Intellectual activity does not always have a clear-cut result, but it is enough that you feel it as useful.
4. Treat yourself and others with kindness and understanding. Read: to yourself - a must. Self-kindness, self-support, self-encouragement. It may not be easy to get it from others, because they may not be in the resource. Now everything is not very much in the resource.
5. Maintain your sense of humor. Sometimes it may seem like “laughing while others are dying” is unethical. But humor is better seen as a helpful practice to preserve yourself and your psychological health, and not as an ethical category. Laughing and joking about the virus and the social situation is good for your health.
6. Try to tell your family about your condition and be interested in them. Take a research position in relation to yourself: at certain stages, this can reduce anxiety and experiences. Do not spread your anger to your family members, this is bad for the “weather in the house” (from which neither of you can leave) and can damage the relationship.
7. Do not drink alcohol until you are very drunk and do not resort to other destructive ways to deal with stress. Practicing increased smoking, overeating, long hanging on social networks, home scandals, you risk emerging from isolation in an exhausted state. And in such a state, it will be more difficult for you to restore what is important to you and adapt to reality with its changes. Take care of yourself by using healthy ways to manage stress.
8. Remember, this is all bound to end. Dream what you will do when you can leave the house. And what - when communication between regions and countries will be restored. Who you want to see first. These are not empty dreams - these are supports for the future.
9. Find out how people deal with the situation and share it yourself. It helps someone to throw parties in communicators, someone to cry, someone suits writing practices with a record of what you can thank yourself, people and the Universe for. Someone - to revise their favorite films, re-read their favorite books that accompanied quiet periods. They are like the Horcruxes from Harry Potter: they contain peace and joy. For some, physical activity helps.

SO…

In the end, I will say that an important task now is to save yourself. For the sake of the present, where there are people near you who need support. For a future to work on. And even for the sake of the past and values that were important to you.

Please take care of yourself and others. Don't try to grasp the immensity. Check expectations and requirements against reality. During this period, the desire to be at the same time a super-parent, super-professional, super-productive person, using all the possibilities of the situation, can do a disservice. Kindness, support, compassion for oneself and others can help maintain oneself, mental and physical health. I wish you very much!