Man And His Mother - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

The relationship of adults and married children with their parents rarely builds up without a hitch. Two different generations have their own motivations and attitudes, so it is not always easy and selfless to support each other. But it is necessary

When a difficult situation of this kind arose in the family, my client Oksana asked her husband to consult. She herself associated family troubles with her mother-in-law and her negative influence on the situation in a young family. The first consultation with Fedor was also devoted to the "weather in the house", where the theme of his relationship with his mother was a common thread, and the man said that he would like to try to figure it out … In the process of dialogue between the psychologist and the client, it became clear that the light of peace and mutual understanding was umbrella will help this family to live in peace.

Fedor: I have a bad relationship with my mother. It upsets and worries me. We talk, she comes to us sometimes. And then there is a strong tension. Oksana does not like my mother, and this is even manifested in the way she offers her tea. I understand her, there is a reason. Mom has repeatedly told Oksana terribly unfair words and continues to do so. From the very beginning, the relationship was cool, but now Oksana barely tolerates the presence of her mother in the house. I feel like I'm between two fires. I understand that Oksana has the right to treat her mother-in-law like that, but this prevents me from establishing my own contact with my mother.

Yulia Vasilkina: Let's start from the beginning. How did your relationship with your mother develop as a child?

F: Mom was never particularly affectionate with me. I remember several striking cases. First I was sent to a 24-hour kindergarten. True, the regime for me was "lightweight": I was taken home for the night from Wednesday to Thursday. At the age of four I almost died, I developed peritonitis. I remember they were taking me on a gurney, I shouted that my mother would not leave me, but she did not pay any attention to me, talking to the doctor. Now, of course, I understand that the conversation with the doctor was important, but at least somehow she could cheer up ?! Often in my childhood I heard the verdict: “I don’t need such a son” when I, little, in her opinion, behaved differently. Now I think that I was a good, "problem-free" child: he did his homework, warmed up the food, cleaned, and independently switched to a sports school. But mom could easily leave, slam the door and say the most offensive phrase. While I was five or six years old, I cried hysterically. Then I got used to it somehow.

Fyodor continued his story. According to him, his mother tried to patronize him, but somehow strange. There was no real concern. There was a lot of advice, recommendations, desire to find out any details of his life. If he was frank with his mother, then later he could hear her discussing this with her friends on the phone, then with laughter, then with indignation. Gradually, he tried to isolate himself from persistent attention, although he did not show open resistance. The man said that she "put a spoke in the wheels" of any of his undertakings, repeatedly returning to the topic and convincing that nothing would come of her son, explaining in detail why. But the more she tried, the more persistently Fedor achieved his goal. From prosperous Moscow, he left to study in Peter, unfamiliar to him. He returned to Moscow seven years later with a diploma from an architectural institute and a characterization of a promising design engineer. He returned to his parents, being sure that the relationship would now change. But it was not there. Mom pounced on him with new relentless tenacity, trying to control his life in everything.

At this very time, a successful young man met Oksana, and it quickly became clear that feelings are mutual and strong. But my mother nurtured the idea of his wedding with a completely different girl, whom Fedor perceived as nothing more than friendly. When meeting the future daughter-in-law, she immediately poured pepper, describing the merits of the other. At first, my mother did not want to hear about the wedding with Oksana, but Fyodor ignored her opinion, especially since the young people fortunately did not need to live with their mother.

F: It seems to me that even now, after all our vicissitudes, my mother has not given up hope of divorcing Oksana and me and marrying a family friend. But our son is growing up, her grandson! Oksana feels it, and the relationship is complicated. You won't get help with a child from her, but advice - as much as you like. And then he describes to all relatives how badly the daughter-in-law accepts, exaggerates every little thing.

Yu.: The relationship is really quite complicated. But what kind of task do you set for yourself and for me in this consultation?

F: I would like to deal with the feeling of … guilt. To clarify, this feeling invariably arises after talking with mom. Not during a conversation, but later. While communicating with her, I feel tension, sometimes I am angry with her for her ugly tongue, because she cannot or does not want to support me, my only son. And then the wine rolls in - after all, she is my mother … I would like to feel calm, communicating with her.

Y.: You, of course, understand that a miracle is unlikely to happen quickly. Our communication with you can be directed only to your own activity. We cannot change mom. Moreover, even if you change, she may be completely unprepared for this and the resistance may be great at first. What result of the consultation, which would appear immediately or in the first days, would you consider sufficient?

F: I would probably like to outline ways to solve this problem, to see what can be done in this situation. My attempts to change our relationship for the better are ineffectual, each time I am missing for a short time. Although Oksana considers me “mama's boy”, because I try not to be rude to my mother and not “put her in her place” as my wife would like. And I cannot afford a boorish attitude. Not so brought up. I said a lot to her about myself, but I don't dare out loud. Probably, I do not want to be an even more "unworthy" son than now.

Yu.: According to your story, you are not a mama's son at all. I see a fairly independent man who makes responsible decisions in life, starting from school years. I think that you have enough resources to confidently approach the task that you have set yourself now

I divided the sheet into two parts and asked the client to write down in the left column a few statements on the topic "I want my relationship with my mother …".

And this is what appeared:

… so that what was said was not carried out of the family;

… so that I don't have to think about every word in a conversation;

… to let go, there was no overprotection;

… so that communication is personal, not over the phone.

Now quite specific guidelines have been formulated with which to work. It was necessary to fill in the right part of the sheet, which read: "I am ready to do this …" And this is what the client has designated for himself. To cope with the first task (not to take anything outside the family), he decided to be less frank with his mother, not to discuss serious issues with her. He explained this by the fact that you can't change your mother and she can hardly refrain from discussing with numerous friends. In order not to "boil inside", he decided to be more frank with his wife and her parents, with whom he had a warm relationship. The second problem was solved by itself: no serious topic - no need to think over every word.

As for overprotection, Fedor decided to continue to prove by his actions that he is able to achieve his goals on his own. We talked a little about the fact that he has been doing this for a long time, but at the same time my mother does not want to break the grip of overprotection. Then Fyodor said that one should probably treat with a little more humor when asking his mother about what he ate today and whether he was wearing a scarf. I agreed: where there is humor, there is no irritation.

The fourth task turned out to be more difficult. The son wanted to communicate with his mother personally, at least sometimes to see her. She herself rarely came to their house. Fedor's wife took a tough stance: the less mother-in-law in the house, the better. Fedor would have been ready to visit his mother with the whole family, but he was stopped by the fact that his mother was holding a stone in her bosom in relation to Oksana. He didn't want to upset his wife. Therefore, he decided that sometimes he himself would come to his mother to visit her.

PS Usually the client leaves the consultation enthusiastic and feels ready to solve the problem with which he came. But one-time consultations are so bad that further feedback is difficult. It often happens that the initial fervor is lost in a matter of days. Fortunately, Fedor showed his dedication and independence so that the relationship with his mother moved to a new level of mutual understanding. Four years have passed since the consultation, he is pleased with the balance in the relationship that has been achieved, and does not remember what happened before. According to him, he got rid of the oppressive tension in his relationship with his mother in a year and a half. As for women, now they communicate in a completely neutral way, without much sincerity, but even without the intensity that was at the beginning. Personal communication has increased. My serious and intelligent client is quite happy with the situation of peace in the family! And this is encouraging.