It Seems That The Husband Has A Mistress - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

An acquaintance asked me to meet Polina. According to her, she needed urgent help. Family problems. Well, anything can be put into this concept. We met with Polina a few days later. A young woman, about 25-26 years old. But there is pain and suffering in her eyes that made her a little older. I asked her to talk about the essence of the problem that she would like to discuss

POLINA: I've been married for six years. At least - while married. There is a child, son Misha, he is five years old. And now I'm pregnant - nine weeks already.

Polina began to sob, she needed time to calm down and start talking again. In the meantime, I could make assumptions with what she came to me. I'm almost sure - with the theme of her husband's betrayal.

I listened attentively, and Polina continued her story. Upon learning of pregnancy, she flew like on wings for several weeks. Happiness is complete: a good family, love, the firstborn pleases, the future baby. But suddenly - like a butt on the head. It's trite - I saw a text message on my husband's phone: “Kitty, I miss, when will we see each other? Kisses". And the subscriber's name is an abracadabra from Latin letters. For Polina, the whole world turned upside down. Randomness is excluded - then the number would not be determined. And he has been constantly delayed at work for three months! Polina tried to find out who it was. She even dialed the number. A woman's voice answered, she said nothing, hung up. Although I wanted to say: “Rubbish, leave my husband alone. He will soon become a father! " But I decided not to make contact yet, because I was not sure that it was right.

YULIA VASILKINA: Polina, I sympathize with your situation. Of course, suspicion of her husband's infidelity, and even during pregnancy, is an ordeal. But let's clarify first: you have only suspicions, but not facts yet. SMS, of course, is eloquent, but it does not mean that the husband is cheating. Perhaps this is an overly exalted person who has drawn the wrong conclusions from completely innocent signs of attention to her. Sometimes relationships are in the format of only SMS communication, which is sometimes "hot", but is just entertainment, albeit dubious. There are situations when "something" begins, but has not yet reached physical betrayal. And treason is a difference. There is a concept of "accidental" contact made under the influence of the moment when a man perceives a woman only as an object of desire. There are brief "sexual adventures" when a man is infatuated,but he is not in love and does not think of parting with his wife. And there are extramarital affairs, this is a more serious "format", but even they do not always imply a feeling that will lead to the breakup of the previous marriage.

P: I've already thought about it. So I want to talk to him and find out everything. I guess I need help to get it "right". I wrote to several women's forums, described the situation. Someone regrets, who says "leave it immediately." How to quit? We have a baby and I'm pregnant. Someone on the contrary - “shut up, don't say anything”, who advises his mistress to pull out her hair. In general, there is little sense, only this conversation raises wounds.

Yu. V.: Yes, forums are something. Everyone there is smart and everyone knows what to do. And there is a lot of aggression, without taking into account the "situation". It is correct that you stopped looking for the truth there. Besides the forums, have you taken any other steps?

P.: More likely no than yes. I walk, smile, take care of, but in my soul everything hurts. From time to time I get so angry that I want to make him a scandal - with smashing dishes, collecting a suitcase and saying: "You will not see me or the child." I want to call his mother to tell her what kind of son she raised. But gradually, anger is replaced by fear. What if he does take the suitcase and leave? And not to mom, but to her? And then a thought: no, I won't give up without a fight! I am constantly tormented: what did he find in her? Why did you decide to trade me for her? What is there in her that I could not give him? I do not understand. He made no claims to me. After all, I thought that everything was simply better than ever, that love and mutual understanding. And this is how it turned out. I even flashed a seditious thought that I would not be able to raise two children alone if he left. Can't think about itbut then it would be reasonable to have an abortion while the term is still early. I cry when I think about it. I have already managed to fall in love with my "tummy". When a friend advised me to consult a psychologist, I grabbed the idea. I really look forward to help.

Of course, betrayal (if there was one) does not happen "from scratch." She is always preceded by something in the relationship of the spouses. But I decided not to dig into it. First, it is not yet clear whether there was treason or not. Secondly, it is quite obvious that our communication with Polina will have a “short” format of one, maximum two meetings. And to start a "psychoanalysis session" that cannot be completed is not very constructive. Therefore, I decided to choose the strategy of “going away from the problem”: to analyze the situation very locally and, most importantly, to tune Polina to the conversation so that it would be as fruitful as possible.

Yu. V.: Polina, this is all very serious. You need to initially tune in to the fact that you will make any decisions yourself. I will give you the objective information that I own. We will be able to think over the further course of action taking into account your decision. The main thing now for further work is to understand whether you are maintaining the pregnancy. Of course, this can only be your decision. But this is the cornerstone. There is no need to make a child's life dependent on whether your husband had an affair or not. The future life is very serious.

P.: Of course, I want to keep the pregnancy. I'm just afraid that I can't do it myself.

Yu. V.: The fact is that if you go to a conversation with your husband in the confidence that you are maintaining the pregnancy, then your position is much more weighty and serious. As for "I can’t handle it," then think about whether this is really so. Perhaps, and for sure, there are people around you who can help you.

V. P.: Actually, there is, of course. My parents. And I have always had good relations with his parents. Ultimately, alimony. Perhaps we need to proceed from the fact that I will be a mother a second time!

Yu. V.: Another important point. It is possible to live in a situation of uncertainty, but it is difficult. This is really dangerous for pregnant women. Uncertainty provokes fantasies, and in such cases they are much more terrible than reality. Therefore, uncertainty is a source of constant and very strong stress, dangerous for the child. Much more powerful than the "one-off" stress associated with a serious conversation. Whatever the result of the conversation, it carries with it certainty, which means that it becomes clear what to do next. Although the difficult period continues, its tension is already lower.

P: I myself was inclined to talk. But, as I said, I'm afraid of just certainty. Although, of course, I agree: fantasy tortures terribly! I will present one woman with him, then another. It seems already that he cheated on me with a hundred!

Yu. V.: That's just the point! Therefore, I recommend that you do not delay the conversation. But at the same time, you need to think it over well. Tell us a little, what kind of person is your husband? How do you both act if there is a problem in the relationship?

P.: As for the husband, he is an easygoing, calm person. We usually discuss if there is any problem or question. More often with me, so I am the initiator. He listens calmly. And then the conversation goes on quietly too, he tries not to get irritated and "extinguishes" my indignation. But what will happen this time, I do not know. The themes of jealousy or betrayal in our family have not yet arisen.

Yu. V.: You have good prerequisites for the conversation to be calm. It is customary in your family to discuss difficult issues and have experience in how to do it effectively. Your husband usually speaks in the position of "peacemaker", and this is also a positive point.

So the conversation. Together we formulated several principles that Polina had to adhere to …

1. Choose a place and time

Determine the moment when both spouses will have enough time for such a conversation and both will not be too tired. In no case should you start a conversation "on the run", obeying the impulse. Polina had a few extra points, because it was she who chose the place and time. I reminded that there is no need to prepare your husband in advance. Men hate the phrase “We need to talk about our relationship,” and excessive stress will be a hindrance.

2. Formulate in advance how to start a conversation

It is necessary to describe the situation as it is: Polina accidentally saw her husband's SMS on the phone. Quote text. And briefly ask: "What does this mean?"

3. Outline a list of questions

Surely, Polina has additional questions in connection with this situation. It is better to write them down in advance so as not to forget to ask. In addition, it will help the woman to better control herself.

4. Try to stay calm

Polina is used to the fact that it is her husband who is the peacemaker in your family. But this time everything may be different, since he will have to be in the role of the "accused". Therefore, you need to tune in to keep emotions under control. Tears, tantrums will only interfere with a productive conversation.

5. His vision of the future

No matter how the conversation goes and no matter what turns out, you need to ask him to "draw" the future of the relationship.

Yu. V.: And I would also like to draw your attention. During the conversation, you may understand that the husband is telling a lie or half-truth. Oddly enough, but this is a positive symptom in terms of family preservation. If a man cheats and is ready to make a decision about leaving his wife, then he is unlikely to dodge. He will be relieved that there is nothing more to hide. But a man who defends his place with his family will try with all his might not to recognize what happened. If such a turn of the conversation arises, decide for yourself in advance whether to seek the whole truth or to calm down only part of it.

Polina left much more calm than at the beginning of the conversation. But so far nothing has changed in her life? So, but not so! She realized that a lot depends on her and that the outcome of the situation may well be positive.

PS If communication with a client is in an "extra-short" format, then it is not always possible to get "feedback". It just does not have time to form the volume of trust that will tell you what needs to be reported to the specialist about what happened as a result. And sometimes clients are embarrassed to “bother” the specialist again, not being sure that he is interested in the continuation of the story. I want to note: the psychologist is always interested! And he will be ready to spend a little time on the phone or reading the letter to find out if the consultation helped or not.

Polina, fortunately, turned out to be one of those rare clients who give feedback. She decided to talk. At first, her husband denied everything, but Polina felt: he was cheating. Women's intuition told her that it was unlikely that it had come to physical betrayal, but “something” was. Then the husband "split up", said that this is a former classmate, a married woman, that she has children, that she did not think to leave the family (read: "does not pose a danger"). That he and her "had nothing" except meetings in a cafe. That she was active, was offended by her husband and constantly complained about him to Polina's husband. In general, the lamb is an innocent, free "vest". He did not even intend to part with his wife.

Whether there was treason or not, it is difficult for a woman to know for sure. Some husbands lie in such a way that it is impossible not to believe them. And some tell the truth in such a way that they only increase suspicion. But it is important that both parties are in open contact with themselves and the problem. Some men, having survived this exposure, begin to take family life much more seriously. They no longer perceive hiking "to the left" as easy fun and avoid them. The hardest part after the topic of cheating was brought up is restoring trust in the relationship. Sometimes it takes more than one year. But Polina didn't contact me anymore. I hope she herself felt the strength to continue acting independently.