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"I Am Good And He Is Bad!" - Relations
"I Am Good And He Is Bad!" - Relations

Video: "I Am Good And He Is Bad!" - Relations

Video: "I Am Good And He Is Bad!" - Relations
Video: Good Boyfriend vs Bad Boyfriend || Funny Relationship Situations by Teen-Z Tales 2023, March
Anonim

Vika, my internet friend, lives in Singapore with her husband Mikhail. She came to Russia a few years ago to stay, taking her one-year-old son Vova with her. And she could not help but take the opportunity to discuss family problems with me

Vika: My husband doesn't help me at all. I do not work, I take care of Vovka at home. And the husband is at home - like a guest: "Bring me, bring me." It starts to enrage me that he treats his child like a stranger: if he is crying or hooligan - “Calm down!”, “Tell him!”, “Put him to bed!”. In general, it seems that the child is in many ways a hindrance to him.

Vika talked a lot about how difficult it is for her now. But it gradually became clear that the husband did sometimes wash the dishes, take out the trash, and iron his trousers. Vika goes to the gym three times a week while her husband looks after his son (although not in the way she would like). Misha and his son are playing games "inappropriate" from the point of view of Vicki - too noisy with balls, and not at all "smart-calm". In general, Vika felt right in everything.

The couple had another hot topic - their own parents. All Vika's requests for additional help rested on her husband's question: "How were our mothers managed?" Vika replied that her grandmother was very helpful to her mother, and dad did not stand aside either. In addition, Misha started persistent conversations that it was time to think about having a second child, because then he also wants a third! Vika ended up being in a deep depression: "Everywhere I am to blame, everywhere I am poked, kicked, no help." But, no matter how tearfully Vika described the situation, looking at this red-haired beast with rays in her eyes, it was impossible to assume that she was a victim. And there was no talk of depression: the reactions are lively, the smile is always somewhere close, the energy is boiling. Women often come to a psychologist to feel sorry for them and confirm their innocence: she is a suffering white angel,and my husband is all in black and in general is wrong around. But this can only aggravate the situation in the family, so Vika will have to upset.

Yulia Vasilkina: In general, the problem is clear to me. But let's formulate it again.

V.: I do not like that my husband does not help me and does not communicate well with the child.

Yu. V.: And what would you like? How should the situation change so that you say: "Now everything is all right"?

V.: So that my husband starts helping more around the house, spending time with the child and stop harassing me with petty nit-picking.

Yu. V.: So, you formulate your request in such a way that as a result of our work with you, your husband's behavior should change. But somehow I don't see him in this office and I don't hear this desire from him. Basically, your request is manipulative: "which buttons should I press to make it do what I want." But this is not how psychologists work.

Q: But I don't understand what I can do. I am already taking care of the house and the child all the time! I try to do everything so that my husband is comfortable, but he does not want to do anything.

Tears came to Vicki's eyes. She again began to give examples of her husband's "horrifying" attitude. She couldn't accept the fact that the situation in the family had changed. I interrupted her story.

Yu. V.: Vika, I think you should decide. If I were your friend, I would, of course, feel sorry for you, saying that all the men are "good …" and you are right in everything. But would something change? No, it might get worse. But if you came to me as a psychologist, then listen to my opinion and, if possible, accept it.

In almost every family, during the period when the child crosses the one-year-old line, tension arises. This happens almost always if the child is the first. During this period, the baby grows up, and it is not only necessary to take care of him, but also to begin to educate him. And the parents begin to “share power” over how to do it. Both believe that his methods are better and more correct.

Yu. V.: You are "rubbing in" as parents. Most of the claims involve a child; you discuss what kind of parents you are and what you were in your childhood; the topic of new children is raised; tension increased when the child became more active, began to understand speech better. It must be remembered that the position "how to raise a child" is not only for you, Vika, but also for your husband. Most likely, if he were here, he would have no less convincingly proved why active games with a boy are as useful as "smart and quiet". The practice of family counseling is as follows: it is almost useless to work with one of the spouses if the problem is family, because everyone takes the position: "I am good, he is bad." And this is not true. When a couple comes to me, a woman is surprised to learn that her husband, it turns out, also has a lot of complaints about her behavior. And, interestingly, they are based on real facts. She just attached more importance to how he offends her, and the fact that she hurts him no less, somehow did not take into account. Therefore, it is now useless to talk about the ugly behavior of her husband. Time to do some introspection.

V. V.: Actually, Misha and I really argue about how to raise Vovka. And he often disagrees with me. In his opinion, I "lisp" with him too much, try to solve the matter with the world, to persuade, and he can shout. We are fighting. It still hurts me that he pulls away, if Vovka is crying, he can even say: "If you are so smart, then calm down yourself."

Yu. V.: He wants you to educate as he sees fit, and you - in your own way. The classic situation "found a scythe on a stone." But at the same time, this suggests that both of you are active and not indifferent to the child. Moreover, your initial claims that Vovka is not at all interesting to Misha are smashed to smithereens. On the contrary, this topic is important to Misha. Otherwise, there would be no conflict.

I told Vika about why the "parental conflict" occurs. Each of us carries with us a set of beliefs about how to “properly” raise children. First of all, it is based on the experience of the parental family. Thus, Vicki has her own opinion about what a good mom should be, what a good mom should not be, what a good dad should be, and what a good dad should not be. But Misha has the same ideas.

Q: And what to do? I agree that I was not always right that Misha might have his own opinion.

Yu. V.: Yes, Misha has his own opinion. And it must be taken for an axiom: in communication with a child, a man is able to show no less wisdom than a woman. Yes, parents must agree on general parenting principles. But this does not mean that they both have to behave "softly" or "tough". Maternal and paternal roles are different. The father provides protection, he is the "conductor" of social norms, is responsible for the development of "masculine" qualities. Mom shows care, tenderness. You will have to learn all this, but only if you are willing to observe and treat it with respect. By the way, men often have more respect for their partner as a mother than women.

What did I recommend to Vika? First, use the time she is away from her spouse to start thinking more respectfully of his position. Stop cultivating resentment! She needed to return in a different mood, ready to look at her husband as an equal partner, to stop considering herself the “main” parent.

Second, work with your spouse to think about what beliefs each of them have regarding parenting and how they can be changed. I offered to do this in writing. Each of them had to write five or six statements on all points and evaluate what happened.

Two years later

Sometimes I went to Vicky's website: the mention of "sharp corners" in relations with my husband became less and less, and soon they disappeared altogether. Moreover, according to the description of funny situations from Vovka's life, it became clear that Misha was 100% present in his life. And two years later, little Marishka appeared in the family. I am not inclined to overestimate my own role. Vika turned out to be an intelligent woman. She was able to reformulate the internal request from the position "Do something with him to make me feel good" to the request "I am ready to change so that everything in our family will work out."

When a child turns one year old, every second family experiences difficulties. The more contradictions in basic beliefs, the more acute the crisis goes. Moreover, it is aggravated by the constant "groundhog day" in the young mother. So a chronically tired woman begins to think: "I chose the wrong husband, he is a bad father." And if so, then why live with him? You can't fix a person.

But in fact, the spouses would agree and work out the rules of their family, and not blindly follow parental experience. That he is “good” and she is “good”, but they are different. These difficult periods can take place in a couple not as a crisis, but as an interaction, if the spouses are ready not only to listen, but also to hear each other. Sometimes it takes a friendly kick from a psychologist.

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