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Two In The Boat, Not Including The Salary. When A Husband Earns Less Than His Wife - Relations
Two In The Boat, Not Including The Salary. When A Husband Earns Less Than His Wife - Relations

Video: Two In The Boat, Not Including The Salary. When A Husband Earns Less Than His Wife - Relations

Video: Two In The Boat, Not Including The Salary. When A Husband Earns Less Than His Wife - Relations
Video: What If a Wife Makes More Money Than Her Husband? 2023, April

At a friend's wedding, I, distracted from the celebration, looked around the men present. Only two have worked and one of them is a wedding photographer. The rest - in different ways. One for a year and a half has been rejecting “unprofitable” offers, allowing himself to be provided for by his common-law wife and parents. The second quit during the pregnancy of his wife, was interrupted by odd jobs, while she combined the baby and work at home. Two more had lost their jobs a few months ago and were actively looking. Their "fighting friends" were quite successful and well-off

I was interested in the question: what do these women feel? And the men themselves in a situation where their part of the mammoth is an order of magnitude smaller or completely absent?


In some glossy magazines, the topic of "changes in consciousness" has become popular. They say that the world is no longer what it used to be, in it a woman earns more, and a man - less. And, most importantly, the idea is implanted that consciousness is changing and both sides perceive this situation calmly. The experience of personal observations and counseling of many women so far testifies: nothing has changed in their heads!

Russia has been and remains a country with traditional family values and the traditional distribution of the roles of men and women. The changes began to affect only the "two capitals" and several large cities. As they say, outside the Moscow Ring Road is a completely different life. Perhaps women really do show great flexibility and therefore find their place, which begins to generate income over time. But even in big cities it is extremely premature to talk about changes in consciousness.


There have already been times like this. At the dawn of perestroika, women had already pulled the country and families on their own shoulders. When men got lost in the changes, drank bitter and shot each other on "arrows", women worked hard and earned, sometimes alone. They turned out to be more flexible.

It would seem that "changes in consciousness" should have begun with them. But they were the ones who taught their daughters and sons the traditional values that a man should work to provide for his family. Apparently, the longing for the "man's shoulder" was strong. Apparently, he wanted his daughters to live better than themselves. And the daughters, seeing the great success of their mothers, learned the strategies of survival, which they use now. And what about the sons? They got an experience that told them: a woman can be strong, and a man can be weak. All this largely predetermined what is happening now: women are ready to earn more, but they continue to want to see a strong man next to them.

Those daughters and sons, whose fathers did not lose their heads in the "troubled" time twenty years ago, also had no reason for changes in consciousness that could determine the rearrangement of roles: women as a breadwinner and men as a "homemaker".

Vitality forecast

By 2024, women in developed countries will earn more than men, and one in six men will be unemployed. During the 2007-2008 crisis, sectors of the economy suffered, where men were in the lead by 75%. Now, according to forecasts, 15 sectors will develop, in 13 of which women traditionally lead. Why? One of the reasons for the greater female "vitality" is that they are ready to work, albeit for less money. Women traditionally invest about 90% of their profits in family needs, so families stay afloat. A man, having lost a high-paying job, can “wait for the weather by the sea” for a very long time, that is, job offers with no less earnings. Often unsuccessful.

According to the site


In our tradition, it is considered "correct" if a man provides for a family. In other words, it is he who must earn the main part, so that it is enough for "everything." If this is the case, then whether the wife works and how much she earns is not so important. Everything changes if the wife's career goes uphill, but he stays in place in conjunction with a not too large salary.

The most popular requests of women whose income is higher than that of their man (or is the only one) are: “How can I influence him so that he finally finds (another) job and earns more?”, “How can I maintain a relationship if I love him, but I'm angry that he cannot earn? "," Is a man who earns little good for me? "," How can I get him to find a job? " Pay attention: the topics of inquiries are determined by the same traditional consciousness, in which a man should be a “breadwinner”, bringing a significant amount of funds to the family budget.

Moreover, the fact that a man receives less is perceived by a woman as an unwillingness to earn. And unwillingness to earn is like lack of care for her, dislike (“he sees that I am spinning, I provide for my family, but I myself do nothing”). It is interesting that most often women turn to a psychologist with this problem, whose income is not at all determined by cosmic figures. Rather, these are "middle managers" with a salary of 40 thousand or more. Therefore, for them, the question “can a man earn the same or more” is not worth it. Maybe, but … does not want to!


The situation itself, when a woman earns more than a man, although it can cause stress, is not yet a problem. The situation is new, and the family must understand how to live in it. All this can be compared to the fact that the family boat begins to swing. It is quite difficult to ignore this swing: it only intensifies from this. And from that moment on, there are two main strategies: either the partners will additionally rock the boat and it will turn over, or they, coordinating their actions, will bring it together into a new turn.

When consulting clients, it is very easy to identify ineffective strategies for the behavior of partners, because they usually turn to a psychologist at the stage when the boat is ready to take a sip of water.

Of the ineffective female strategies, the most common is the "Boss". The woman begins to behave as if she is a leader. Conflicts begin in the family, and the reason for them is the behavior of the woman, and not at all the blossoming male complexes! When I ask what they have already done to change the situation, it turns out that they make scandals, they call them “rags” and “rags”, as a favorite argument in any dispute, they use “you can't even earn money”, make individual decisions about large spending, monitor the husband's spending on the suspicion that he has spent too much of their money. Often women say: this is in order to stimulate him to make more money. But the effect is the opposite: after a series of exhausting scandals for both, the man simply leaves.

Men also "rock the boat." The first option is that a man may try to ignore the situation (“I don’t understand what you want, we are fine and have enough money”). Second, he can demonstrate his experiences, but do nothing in a practical sense. A woman is waiting: if she is worried, then she will act. But, if a man continues to eat the fruits of women's labor, without having done anything, the tension increases. The third option - a man begins to psychologically suppress a woman, ironing about her intelligence, practicality, thriftiness, refusing her help and support. A woman sooner or later comes to the conclusion: "She does not earn money, does not help around the house and still mocks - why do I need him?"

The situation is aggravated by the fact that in traditional families a greater burden of household chores still falls on the shoulders of the woman. A man, not even being the main earner, is reluctant to take on new worries (“don’t make me a woman!”). So a situation is created when the husband becomes the "driver of the sofa", and the woman is forced to both be the main earner and do the housework. This fact contributes to the piggy bank of misunderstanding: "He does not love me, does not appreciate, and does not earn money, and does not help around the house." The situation is perceived by a woman as unfair: she does not want to feed and serve a man who is more and more like a decorative piece.

Often, ineffective male and female strategies are intertwined, and hundreds of family boats have floated upside down. The question "Who is to blame?" remains open. And a man who was looking for easy ways instead of acting. And a woman who showed excessive activity, but, alas and ah, insufficient wisdom.


Natalia Slavashevich, practicing psychoanalyst


The more developed the society, the more questions related to the topic of changing roles. People solving their pressing material problems are faced with questions from the sphere of desires (“I want, I don’t want”) and the sensory sphere (“how, why"), and not with questions of their obligation and their capabilities (“I must, I can”) - regardless from the floor. The abundance of information affects people in different ways, making them either impetuous and acting, or lazy dreamers, quiet envious people. Therefore, I would like to wish you to be more educated, tolerant, creative and flexible. Do not give up at the sight of a man lying on the couch or a woman tired of the hassle. To see each other as a child with their "want" and fantasies about themselves. Help find motives for the movement of both, for what he or she wants to do for themselves. And get pleasure from it that develops relationships. Is it for joy that we live, even if we have to overcome difficult times?


What helps families facing higher female incomes to survive? First of all, the position of the man is important. Yes, he is worried about the situation, but these are not "complexes" at all. This emotion is a marker of internal dissatisfaction. And an effective strategy is expressed in the fact that he decides to act. How? Try to move up the career ladder in the same place, look for a new job or a part-time job. In this case, after a while, it will reach a comfortable ratio of "her and my income."

Sometimes the solution is that the man does not change anything professionally. This is justified if he is engaged in a profession that is partially altruistic, such as scientific or teaching activities. Or, for example, he is not too ambitious and has already reached a certain limit beyond which professional burnout can occur. An effective strategy in this case may be the decision to take on a significant part of the business responsibilities. Of course, this is due to the restructuring in traditional roles, but some men are ready for this.

All families who have taken their boat to a new bend share one quality. This is respect for each other. Women who claim that they are comfortable with the lower income of their man pay attention to an interesting fact. A man is proud of a woman and the fact that she is able to show her abilities in this way. If a man respects his partner, then she can no longer accuse him of dislike and inattention. This means she is able to show great loyalty. In turn, a woman is able to treat a man with respect and make his decisions, whether it is an assault on new heights or a change in role as a householder. It's good if she refuses the strategy of scandals, avoids overbearing notes in communication.

It is important that the family has other solid foundations besides financial ones. There is a well-known saying about this "Money is not the main thing." It really happens. Love, sex, common hobbies, mutual interest in each other - these are the foundations for a relationship to survive in a situation where a woman's income is greater, even with the traditional consciousness of partners.


The traditional consciousness has not changed yet. Women still expect men to be support and support, including financially. The situation when a woman begins to receive significantly more than a man is stressful for a relationship. If partners are able to perceive the family as a single project, respect each other, then for them the test of female income is quite capable of passing with a useful increment. It is possible that as a result, the man will not get ahead. If at the same time the partners are able to redistribute responsibilities and once again indicate that they are next to each other not only because of financial support, then such a family boat is quite capable of overcoming more than one ninth wave!

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