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Video: Online Dating: How To Understand The True Goals - Relations
It only seems that getting to know each other on the Internet is like walking blindfolded and picking mushrooms. In fact, in the virtual space, people quickly identify their true goals. After all, lying to strangers is just a waste of time. Alphonse or the abuser will give themselves away pretty quickly.
One of the most curious acquaintances on the Web, of course, went under the heading "man of dreams." Pictured is the hero of a sixties western, only with an iPad and immaculate navy blue jersey. About myself - all about serious intentions, business qualities and healthy hobbies. Attached was the script of the first date: "I invite you to a cup of Rafa." It would seem insipid to some, but in this case, the potential bride is already tired of the bad guys. Decent correspondence about work, weather and cycling, an offer to exchange phone numbers.
The aromas of coffee were already in the air, when suddenly the gentleman disappeared. But a polite girl called, introduced herself as a matchmaker and invited him to the best agency in the city … “Where is Petya? So he hangs with us for advertising. You come, we will pick up a dozen of them and even better."
And on dating sites you can meet a psychologist looking for a clientele. “Fortunately, such excesses do not happen often,” says consultant psychologist Ilya Shabshin. - Most normal people do not want to waste time misleading someone in order to wait for a meeting, finally "open their eyes" and disperse with a feeling of irritation and annoyance. Virtual is good because you can interrupt communication at any time and go to search for the right candidate, one whose goals coincide with yours. It can be flirting, socializing, or starting a family. The “right” person will be found faster if you are just as clear about your own priorities."
According to the expert, it is not difficult to understand your personal preferences. It is enough to think about what needs you want to satisfy.
- Suppose you lack an interesting interlocutor, a companion for theaters and exhibitions, a person of close tastes and views? Then look for a friend.
- Do you want beautiful courtship, romantic dates, emotions, possibly turning into passions? So your goal is flirting.
- If you warmly think about your home, feel the readiness to create and protect close relationships, your goal is family.
Who will you run into
“It makes sense to take the questionnaire seriously and thoughtfully. Here it is important to present an image that matches the intentions, the interlocutor continues. - If a woman posted a photo session where she flies from the mountain on skis, dives with scuba diving, walks in a luxurious dress on the red carpet, sits behind the wheel of a cool motorcycle, hugs an elephant, then the “cool” image created by her will most likely scare the man away, dreaming of a quiet home haven. But the gigolo will just like it."
A typical mistake is to “play along” at the stage of the ensuing conversation in order to consolidate the position. Do not assure you that you adore all children, are ready to sing the mantra "Om" for 45 minutes, walk in the park at six in the morning in the company of nine dogs, talk about politics in the Middle East, if you really do not see anything in these joys of life good. To agree always and in everything is a sure way to "make friends" with an abuser. However, even the most verified presentation will not guarantee you from unpleasant acquaintances.
At first, he can be mistaken for a real macho, but unlike the bumpers who play housebuilding, he is seriously aggressive. This is a psychological rapist and a "vampire" striving for total control and "knowing life": what to listen to and read, how to dress, eat meat or not eat, what god to pray to. Directiveness for him is a natural and only possible way of interaction: when living together, he will track your location by geolocation, monitor correspondence in instant messengers, and make sarcastic comments about relatives and friends. He categorically does not recognize personal boundaries, while resorting to manipulations: "You don't love me, don't you want to see me?" (seven days a week, 24 hours a day). "What business can you have that does not concern me?" Likes to determine what to whom "by rank":"A girl with an appearance should not work" or "Not a count, people lived in communal apartments, and women generally gave birth in the field."
How lucky you are. As a rule, the abuser has a bunch of national, age, social and gender prejudices (this is how his psychological defenses are arranged), although he does not necessarily position himself as a supporter of Sunday vice and the destruction of homeless dogs. He can be for reasonable, kind, eternal - the same angel with foam at the mouth. One way or another, he will defend some "tough principles" already at the stage of correspondence. “You are not like everyone else,” by the way, a very indicative compliment for an abuser. Ask: what are they all? Hear a lot of interesting things about celluloid dolls, chickens, cats and prostitutes. Another easy way to spot this "nice" person is to let yourself get caught. "But I found your Facebook page, four years ago you wrote something completely different."
A hunter for rich "mummies" and "girls from good families" is the complete opposite of an abuser: he does not skimp on enthusiasm, agrees, and concedes in an argument. “How do you decide, baby. Don't call you a puppy? Calling you a fire-breathing dragon? Okay, whatever you say. " Sometimes they work for eternal boys who seek to remove any semblance of responsibility from their shoulders. Mommy will decide. Mom will feed. Mom will comfort you. Mom, of course, also sponsors. Alphonse supports in all conflicts. Especially where you were clearly wrong. This is how he earns himself points in your eyes. Alphonse is surprisingly romantic. This Romeo does everything that girls dream of at 13. He confesses his love 15 times a day, sends musical cards on the day of falling leaves, if you really have some kind of holiday, congratulates you in an ornate and sensitive way. So,that all the creamy cakes are flowing. However, if the client's cheekbones are reduced from the image of a prince, he will be specially repainted and will look like Lucifer from an engraving by Gustave Dore. With a scythe in his hands instead of roses. It's easy to scare him off - just admit that the photo session on the carpet is a studio one, and the dress was borrowed from a friend. Photo reports from a rented apartment with type-setting furniture make sense even better.
3. So, I ran past
With one-night stand seekers, married and not very, very easy. They ask to send a couple of full-length pictures, after which they either immediately disappear, or offer to meet. They choose their photos on approximately the same principle as gigolos: they play with their biceps, put selfies against the backdrop of yachts, jeeps, premium fitness rooms, seas and attractions. Having achieved a personal meeting, they say that they are crazy about you, they invite you to spend an unforgettable vacation in Borneo, but in the meantime, let's go to the rooms. However, even at the level of questionnaires, they do not press on the creation of a family - "I am looking for a girl for joint leisure", something like that.
Another common subcategory of these is bored. They want to “kill time” or have fun. “There are men for whom it is enough to establish a virtual acquaintance, exchange a few messages, feel that the lady, in principle, is not against the development of events - and that's all. This is a kind of psychological massage: pleasant excitement from communicating with a beautiful stranger, her involvement in a romantic game that feeds his self-esteem, - continues Ilya Shabshin. “So“disappearing interlocutors”in virtual space are, alas, an inevitable evil.”