Divorced And I Doubt If I Did The Right Thing. What About Rejected Opportunities? - Relations

2023 Author: Oswald Adamson | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 20:18

I have a son from a civil marriage, about five months ago, his father and I parted ways, I was the initiator. As the relationship began to deteriorate, it was difficult for me to live with the person. I wanted to love and respect him, trust, raise the child together, but his ideas did not coincide with mine. If I am so sure that this is not my person, why then there are doubts about the correctness of the choice made? I was left alone with the child, and he seemed to find a comforter at work.

Nina, 37 years old

To put everything on the shelves - it's unlikely that I will succeed. But I will respond with what I can. First, I will offer you this axiom: in any situation of choice, a rejected opportunity continues to attract us for a long time.

It’s like at a fork in the road: I turned to the right - and what “left” remains forever abandoned. Moreover, colored by our fantasies about how it would be there …

And on the path that you have chosen, you constantly meet all the very real bumps and puddles, which, of course, were not even mentioned in your own fantasies … So such doubts about the correctness of the decision made are quite natural.

You mentioned the word "correct", "correct" several times in your letter. But with regard to human relations, this concept is always very subjective. What is quite right for you is false for the Other. And in my opinion, at least some harmony is possible when the partner more or less shares your “right”. Coincides with your values and guidelines in life. Although I wrote "harmony" - and definitely lied. Because moments of harmony are, yes, possible. But Harmony is direct - as a process of life "for two" - for me a dubious event.

There are no ideal relationships, ideal couples in nature. There are couples who learn to negotiate with each other in the course of their lives

And then all their lives they give in to each other … They quarrel, of course, - and then they agree again … Can you imagine how much energy it takes ?! In my opinion, this can only be done with someone whom you really value. Without which, you know, it is much worse than with him. And if you have, here and now, the feeling that your parting is a mistake, you have the energy to try to negotiate with your partner - to clarify your relationship - then this is one conversation. And if you really feel only irritation and fatigue, remembering your "together" - this is a completely different situation.

Try to take a closer look at yourself - listen: how has your life really changed after your breakup? What has become more in it? What is less? And how do these changes affect your sense of yourself?

Self-love - in the context in which you mentioned it - is a bit like competition, right? With the woman who now "picked up and warmed him up"? If I understood this correctly - then spit on this competition. And just try to look deep into yourself - how do you feel free from these relationships in your status? I am sure there are always pluses and minuses. It is important that their ratio suits you … More than less …

Maybe write it down on a piece of paper? Two columns? On the one hand - the pros, on the other - the cons? Write the first thing that comes to mind, without much thought? And then - the next day - to re-read? And again to listen to yourself?

I wish you very much that the picture began to clear up. It can take a long time, though. Yes, what else, in my opinion, is important - to look for an answer to a question for yourself:

• What do you want to find in this relationship?
• What are you in them?
• What do you want to find in life without this relationship?
• What are you without them?